Ep 64 Jewels the Femdom

​Jewels, Author of "The Making of a Woman,"  talks about being a femdom which is something she does outside her marriage. She and her husband are in an "open-minded" marriage where this strong, confident woman found herself feeling insecure and dealing with jealousy at times. She learned how to cope with those feelings, and talks about dominating men--why some strong men are turned on by being dominated even if it's as simple as being directed to wear panties. She also discusses financial domination, or findom. 
​Find out more about Jewels at TheMakingOfaWoman.com

​If you're enjoying this content please consider supporting us by going to www.buymeacoffee.com/leynanguyen

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EP - 64 Jewels the Femdom
Transcription:

(Sizzle Reel)
Guest 0:03
So as a female dominant, I am not riddled in black leather, I do not play in dark dungeons, and I do not like tie men up in these, in conspicuous ways.

Leyna 0:15
Did you say girlfriend. 

Guest 0:16
Yes, yes I did. 

Leyna 0:17
As in like romantic?

Guest 0:20
Yes, my lover. Yes 

Leyna 0:19
Whoo, now, had you always been bisexual?

Guest 0:24
When I looked over and saw how he was how he was interacting with her how he was having sex with her. It hit me so hard. If I enjoy it with one I'm thinking I might enjoy it with many, 

Leyna 0:41
So we are talking about like a gangbang with black men, that's your fantasy, yes, Woman, how, why haven't you made that happen? Honey you get back on the bed and you have sex with her, do not hold her that way

Guest 0:57
That makes no sense. 

Leyna 1:02
So let's get to it. 

(Podcast Show Open)

Leyna 1:37
We’re talking to a Femdom today, but first, a shout out to some of my members on buy me a coffee.com / Leyna Nguyen, Nick, who posted, love your podcast, truly unique and entertaining and so hot, also mark Joseph said, best podcast for all of us normal adults out here in quotation marks, by the way, to realize how much fun we can have, and Jim said, I fully support positivity with sexuality and lifestyle choices, thanks for your work and thank you Jim and all my other members, you can go to buy me a coffee.com / Leyna Nguyen to see what extra goodies members get in addition of course to my undying love for supporting me and keeping this conversation going.

Leyna 2:22
My guest today is a woman who, at 49 is probably in better shape well than most everyone I know but better shape than most 30 year olds, physically now if we're talking, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, I think it's fair to say this woman has been put through the ringer and she’s come out on top. Is that fair to say?

Guest 2:45
That is fair to say

Leyna 2:47
Well, welcome to the show. 

Guest 2:49
Thank you

Leyna 2:49
Really has an amazing story and she actually tells that story, the day of recording here, this book has only come out just two days ago so I'm excited to let people know about this. The book is called The Making of a woman, I would need at least a five hour show to even talk about half the stuff that you cover in this book and in your story, but for the sake of this episode, I want to talk about the fact that you're in the lifestyle, and I want our listeners to know that there will be another episode where we're talking about the other stuff that affects everyone, you know, emotional, physical health, fitness, just everything that you've been through because I think it's a great story, so Jules down there in Dallas, Texas. I asked her I said so what are you in an open marriage, and you're like, Well, no, it's an open minded marriage . What's the difference?

Guest 3:38 
When I think of the word like when I hear that word I'm in an open marriage. For me, it equates that you're the couple, you know, the individuals can go out and enjoy others on their own. And that is not something that my husband and I wanted to do, were both on our second marriage, and so we are exploring this together, literally together like almost like, I have my best friend along with me, and we get to compare notes and that's where our excitement is 


Leyna 4:09
Okay so you're swingers?

Guest 4:10
Open minded. Okay, now, let me start with something here is that my entire life I was shoved into the boxes, I was a dropout I you know, fill in the blank and I always struggled with boxes because I feel boxes, they help others categorize I get that, but it also limits me as a person, and I think that's another reason why we go with more of like an open minded, marriage is because I don't fit into one category. And also, I don't like the stereotype of the word swingers. So, I don't know if I'm being fussy or if I'm changing things up a bit. 

Leyna 4:50
Girl you be you. You be you! No, I get it because I've had a lot of conversations lately where like the labels, kind of concern people because it's, well, like sometimes I might do a little bit of that but it's not exactly that. So should I really be calling myself that right, so Okay, let's talk about this now, it's kind of hard to talk about your story without talking about all this stuff the trauma that you've been through and everything but let's let's try to focus on. First of all, you and your husband both on your second marriage was sex, good I mean, why did you open it up to something more than their traditional monogamous marriage?

Guest 5:27
Living in Dallas, Texas, I have to tell you there's a huge box of expectations of what married couples supposed to be like. And I think both my husband and I had come from areas where we were, we were done with that, it just, it wasn't working and so when we actually got together that first day over coffee. I had no intentions of showing, you know, like this fake facade of who I was. I told him my interest. I told him of my relationship with my girlfriend. I told him, I'm very independent, so we actually started the relationship on this sexual journey. Oh. Wasn't that we evolved. 

Leyna 6:06
Okay. Did you say girlfriend?

Guest 6:09
Yes, yes I did. 

Leyna 6:10
As in like romantic?



Guest 6:12
Yes, my lover. Yes. 

Leyna 6:13
Oh, so, had you always been bisexual or at what point in your life did you discover this?

Guest 6:20
Yes, I always have been bisexual so again it's part of me you know it's kind of like this is what I like for dinner. These are the people I choose to hang out with, and this happens to be the people I love. It's just as simple as that. 

Leyna 6:32
All right, and I'm sure he was very receptive to all those right?

Guest 6:34
Yeah, he ideas, yeah. We cleared those out right away. 

Leyna 6:40
Okay, very nice. No. Did he have any prior experience in the lifestyle?

Guest 6:46
No he traveled a lot, for his career in the first marriage, and so he was familiar with the open mindedness of say Amsterdam, but he had never actually you know, been in the shoes he was when he first when we first got together, it's kind of like a kid in a candy store.

Leyna 7:09
Okay, clearly you have a lot of conversations right, I mean, it really wasn't that familiar. So, yes, I'm curious to know are these conversations, kind of like the ones where we're having right now where, you know it's it's playful but it's a real conversation. Where are we talking about like pillow talk like talk dirty to me kind of conversation.

Guest 7:30
A bit of both. It actually I think just telling him who I was and what I enjoy, and the things I've done and the circles I am within, I think that in itself was like, Oh my God, I need to learn more and I would love to experience this and that and it's it seriously was a partnership. 

Leyna 7:47
Very nice. Now as with even people who've been in the lifestyle a long time. One thing that has to come up one conversation that has to be had, is the conversation about jealousy. 

Guest 7:58
That is a dreaded feeling, I have to tell you. 

Leyna 8:02
No, but do you like do you find yourself still feeling it?

Guest 8:06
You know when, let me back up, because, again, remember that, you know before meeting my husband I was super independent, there was just no room, and I made my decisions and so ultimately I was never put in a position where I would be uncomfortable like that. And so when that hit me like a ton of bricks, by the way, I was like, appalled that I could not hold myself together, emotionally like inside. Why did that just stir me so bad. And so then of course you know we sat down, I think this is one of the awesome things about this lifestyle is that you go through a scenario like that, you either have the choice of not talking about it again completely running from the whole scenario, or sitting down and walking through that fear of vulnerability. The last thing I want to do is sit down with a man who adores me and say, I felt really insecure 

Leyna 9:04
Because we see it as a sign of weakness, Right?

Guest 9:05
We do. And so what actually happened with us as we talked about it I kind of chewed on it, kind of, you know, work through it. 

Leyna 9:12
Wait, you got to tell me what happened though. 

Guest 9:14
It was our first, our first little endeavor.

Guest 10:44
Is actually New Year's Eve as well so it's like a great celebration and we had to actually invited a couple over to our flat. And keep in mind I'm, I'm sexually liberated, so I'm not expecting this at all. And so things get heated up we go ahead and we, you know, swap partners. And I kid you not, when I looked over and saw how he was how he was interacting with her how he was having sex with her. It hit me so hard, where I was like, hold on, hold on, I need to have him back.

Leyna 11:23
Let's hold on let me ask you a question then. Had you before this watched a partner have sex with someone else?

Guest 11:28
I have, but not anybody that I had my heartstrings involved, um, huge difference. Okay right there's different tiers of connection, different tiers of love, right, so I can have sex with people that aren't nearly as connected as my husband and I are and be just fine with it, seeing them with somebody else in the future, but this was a whole new experience. I had no idea that that this thing even existed within me. 

Leyna 11:59
Okay, you got to try to explain this feeling to me now. I know it sounds very strange but I am the same way where I'm very independent and very confident and I've never, and I know sometimes, like for people who don't understand it, it sounds awful. It sounds arrogant but like I've never been jealous I'm, I'm never afraid of losing my partner to anyone else. I don't have those insecurities, but I have girlfriends who have gone through that green monster stuff. And they explained it to me is like this burning sensation like you feel like you're just, can you try to describe this feeling to me. 

Guest 12:35
Oh god, you just become weak, weak and then you hear that pounding of your heart, like, something's wrong and It's like this fight or flight, at least for me it was it was just like, oh my god, you know, I think, also, like you just sad you know there's not a lot of times you experienced that. And I think that for me the way I've worked through some of my jealousy or that green monster is that the confidence that I built around that by having the discussion with my husband, talking openly like you and I are right now, Talking with the girl who made me jealous. I mean, like girl I hit this at all angles because I didn't ever want to experience that again 

Leyna 13:19
Nice and then so you found that talking through what actually having to face it right like head on. Helped

Guest 11:25
Because really, for me, if I start to feel jealous. I'm feeling a sense of inferiority. So something is not in balance because I'm not inferior, so I need to sit down and figure out like, in more, more times than not, I have learned, it's something I'm being triggered, what in my past gave me this scenario to react this way, actually what was super cool is that my husband had a similar situation. And so when he sat down, I think I kind of opened the gates to be able to have this conversation when he sat down and told me about that he, it was kind of like He clenched like if there is like like that gut feeling, you know like that clinching like a knife in your gut, and so he did that in, you know, men have different ways of explaining emotions and so that was his explanation, and when he told me that he experienced that. Oh my God, I didn't even know men could have that feeling. It was profound. And so now, that's our symbol, like if either of us get that, you know, read that gut wrenching feeling. We're out because I know exactly what it feels like, and so does he. So that was really awesome. 

Leyna 14:36
I’ve heard some couples say that jealousy pops up in like the strangest situations where you think that watching your husband having sex with someone else would make you jealous but then it turns out that, oh my gosh, you know, she saw him hold her hand, she saw him. Look at her a certain way and that's what made them jealous so do you find that that happens. 

Guest 14:58
I had that incident, is that is so true, it is not the big things. It was in a situation where the wife and my husband stepped up to get something to drink, we are still in the same room, but I turned and I looked and he had his arms he was standing behind her and had his arms wrapped around her around her tummy area. How can I was like, you can not do that, it's like, I am so lost, 

Leyna 15:25
You get back on the bed and you have sex, do not hold her that way!

Guest 15:31
It makes no sense, but yes. 

Leyna 15:35
Well, you know, the more I hear it actually the more it makes sense because it's intimacy, it's not the physical act right it's like okay fine, you can go and screw her whatever intimacy, it's the it's the little hand behind the small of her back. How dare you do that, right. All right, we're getting somewhere. Now, what we haven't really gotten into yet, is the fact that you're a dominatrix?

Guest 16:02
For lack of a better word. Oh, again, there. Yeah, you know, there's that's kind of like a blanket approach, I think and I think sometimes it's, it's comforting for people just to grab that word because again they can throw it in a box and judge it and make it a stereotype and actually I'm a femdom, and what that is is a female dominant. So as a female dominant, I am not riddled in black leather, I do not play in dark dungeons, and I do not like tie men up in these, in conspicuous ways. Mine is, I would say, 80%, in the mind, I'm very much an authoritarian, you know, for instance, I will instruct gentlemen to do certain things and let 

Leyna 16:46
Wait I will play with their mild, like, what, huh. 

Guest 16:50
Okay so one thing that I find more interesting than ever, and how common it is, is even also a little startling but for instance, I may instruct gentlemen to put on a pair of panties.

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Guest: Now, there are different mindsets, for the men who enjoy this kind of humiliation, some are truly crossdressing is a thrill. Then there are the other ones that oh my god this is completely humiliating and they love it. Oh, love it, love it. I have found that in the difference between the masculine and the feminine for instance within our society, the masculine, the men in our lives, they're expected to provide, they are very pride based, they're like the king of the kingdom. And, as women, we can be the ones that kind of hold it all together, were the ones who nurture these beautiful children were the ones that teach you know this were so it's almost like we're the finesse, and they're the more masculine, so to be able to put this gentleman in that degree of humiliation is something he has never experienced. 

Leyna 18:00
And when he does, he likes it. 

Guest 18:04
He likes it. Yes, he likes it, 

Leyna 18:07
And are we talking about men who in their vanilla lives are strong, successful, maybe described as alpha men, you know, like to the public eye, are men, right, those are the men whose. Oh yeah. 

Guest 18:20
Primarily they are because it can't let's think let's face it, I mean our men are expected to do a lot of stuff. Yeah, at least here in Texas right again I live in a very traditional state where, you know, these, these relationships and characteristics are very strongly ingrained, it's fun.

Leyna 18:39
Like right now I'm imagining light, like the Marlboro Man wearing lace panties, 

Guest 18:48
Or corporate finance guy, watch out for them.

Leyna 18:55
Interesting. Okay, so, yeah, but does this go outside of just you and your marriage, this this femdom thing, like do you practice it with other men, 

Guest 19:08
Actually it is not part of my marriage at all. 

Leyna 19:09
Oh, no, 

Guest 19:10
No. And so, backing up a little bit before I met my husband, this was my career, I had taken it from a lifestyle of just playing within you know the community here and then I took it into a professional realm, because I realized that I was providing a service that many men were did not have access to 

Leyna 19:33
The more I talked to you, the more stuff just keeps on coming out. Yeah. Wow. So, then, do you know about Findom right. Yes, I know you've heard of Findom So I recently recently heard about this, I didn't know it was a thing for our listeners who are not familiar with this, can you explain what Findom is so it's not Femdom It's f i n d o m, what is that?

Guest 19:58
Findom So the fin portion of that says it's the financial so financial dominant right it is typically female, who is financially dominating this gentleman, it's another form of humiliation. Now…

Leyna 20:16
Demand money?

Guest 20:17
Demand money, and this is not my niche, I don't, I wouldn't even, I mean, again, it's not my niche, it's not, it's not something I understand totally, but I've had girlfriends who love it totally love 

Leyna 20:25
What’s, what's not to love? Okay. From what I'm hearing, it is sometimes as simple as hey, send me money, and he actually gets off on sending you know strange women money. Sometimes he gets something for it, but a lot of times, he doesn't get anything in return. There's no sex involved, there's you know sometimes there may be an exchange of photos or video or whatever, but sometimes there isn't. And it is so I love the human brain because most people would hear that and say, What, that's idiotic, right, and not understand that there are people who are sexually turned on by that sexually turned on by having to send a woman, money, having to pay her bills. I mean it sounds really ridiculous to people who don't get it, 

Guest 21:21
But different people have different relationships with things like so as I was describing, men in their power, they have that relationship with power, we have a different relationship with power, right, So they have a different relationship with money. I have a different relationship with money, that's what it is is the power exchange between the two. 

Leyna 21:44
Okay, as you grow older. Do you find that that just the physicality of having sex is different. Are you enjoying it more are you having to work more. How has it changed?

Guest 21:56
I think, as I've evolved. I have peeled back a lot of the barriers in my mind, I think just energetically, I'm more comfortable in my skin. And I've always been a very sexual person like I have a lot of sexual energy I have a lot of love so what I have found is that as I get older or as you know I continue on is that it becomes less of a checklist and more of an experience, you know, before it was like okay, of course, hypothetically in the back of your mind is like Alright we're gonna have sex and this is going to happen and this is gonna happen, this is, he's got to cum and I've got to cum here so right I've got like the checklist is like kind of rattling off in the back of my head, and, and now it seems to be like we're just going to go into this space again because of those restrictions, they're no longer there more things open up while I'm in that space. 

Leyna 22:51
Looking into the future and I know that, especially since we're just talking now about no expectations and no checklists, but you have fantasies you haven't fulfilled yet? 

Guest 22:59
I actually I do I'm still very human.

Leyna 23:03
Let's hear it. 

Guest 23:03
Yes, oh my gosh you want me to tell you my fantasy. Um, okay, let me soften this up. I've always enjoyed the company of black men, and there's just something about them that vibe that I really really enjoy and so if I enjoy it with one, I'm thinking I might enjoy it with many. 

Leyna 23:23
So, we are talking about like a gangbang with black men, that's your fantasy?

Guest 23:30
Yes

Leyna 23:31
Woman, how, why haven't you made that happen. 

Guest 23:35
I guess because that's pretty scary. I'm just not there yet.

Leyna 23:41
All right, so that's a lot to prepare for see but now, now you've got a goal, we're setting 

Guest 23:48
Well now I've really put it out to the universe so watch out the weekends right around the corner.

Leyna 23:56
And that's jewels find out more about her and her book at the making of a woman.com, and be on the lookout for another episode with Jewels where we talk about health and fitness, aging in a way that feels better and of course that includes having better sex.

Leyna 24:13
Okay, next time on consenting adults, remember like this 101 Tom Lykis talk radio host turned popular podcaster, the professor himself talks candidly about his views on marriage and monogamy, and his personal life, including a threesome gone wrong. 

Guest 24:31
They took me upstairs, and he said when you put all three of us in bed together.
I'm not gonna lie, it was a great experience, until. 
Leyna 24:40
That’s next time on consenting adults.

(Podcast End)