Ep 63 The Poly Kinkster

Ready to wrap your head around something totally different? A second generation polyamorous, hyper-sexual kinkster who works with couples, talks about their relationship with 4 partners; a spouse, a girl friend, a casual partner, and "a little one." One of them is asexual. JonnyAce talks BDSM and kinks like medical staples.  Leyna asks for clarification of "queer" and they discuss labels like frey-sexual.  Let's see how open-minded you really are.  Class is in session.

​Leyna 0:02
Does your dad having been polyamorous, have any effect on you?

Guest 0:08
I have my spouse, I have my girlfriend. I have a casual partner and I have my little one.

Guest 0:17
Impact play to breath play medical staples. 

Leyna 0:23
Whoa whoa whoa whoa yeah a second.

Guest 0:26
You know you've heard demisexual you've heard sepiosexual, I bet you have not heard fray sexual. Wow. I have an extremely, Extremely higher, even amongst my highly sexual friends like a my sex drive is very high, I'm fairly insatiable. 

Leyna 0:43
Okay, when does that become an addiction?

Guest 0:47
ABDL adult baby diaper lover.

Leyna 0:50
Okay, and that's…

Guest 0:54
It's not all the same thing 

Leyna 1:00
So this is more of a submissive role. 

Guest 1:02
Yes. Clearly they have to begin to it. Yes, absolutely. As with everything with BDSM. 

Leyna 1:05
Sure. Is it painful? 

Guest 1:06
One of my partners is asexual 

Leyna 1:08
Asexual, meaning they just, they just don't have that they don't care 

Guest 1:13
They're not interested in it, it's not for them. 


Leyna 1:15
Can I get personal?

Guest 1:16  
Always yeah, sometimes for people the fantasy is a million times better and easier to handle and hot and sexy and the reality is they're not ready for it. 

Leyna 1:29
Get ready. This is consenting adults

(Podcast Show Open)

Leyna 2:06
Before we get to today's guest I wanted to give a shout out to someone who left us a great review on Apple podcasts, they go by ASDFJKN. They said great content Leyna’s insight into the lifestyle is both titillating and entertaining, but also a real eye opener into how people in the lifestyle can really have long fulfilling, honest, and exciting marriages, without having to pretend to be someone they are not, or to sacrifice their personal happiness. Thank you, you get it, this is what it's all about. If you haven't already done so please go on Apple podcast, leave us a great review, it would really help us out.

Leyna 2:45
My guest today is 39 year old John Simons, who is a second generation polyamorous pansexual hypersexual kinkster I know what the polyamorous is second generation polyamorous, So your parents were polyamorous?

Guest 3:01
My father, my parents split when I was about 11 When I was probably 12 or 13 My father came out as polyamorous.

Leyna 3:10
Did you know anything before that like did you suspect something was going on?

Guest 3:15
No, not at all. My parents were actually pretty good about, you know, not letting the kids in on their relationship issues or anything like that. 

Leyna 3:27
Does your dad having been polyamorous, have any effect on you? I think I know the answer but I but I think people will ask

Guest 3:35
Yes, it does in multiple ways. One, it let me know that monogamy wasn't the only option but two. It made me fight against my own nature, for a long time, because I knew my father being polyamorous, was a main factor for my parents’ divorce, and I didn't want to be that. And it was funny to look at it now because I'm happily polyamorous, and with my career. Ethical non monogamy is one of the things I cover. 


Leyna 4:04
And what do you do?

Guest 4:05
I'm a life and mindset coach for gender, sexual and romantic minorities, so that includes the entire LGBTQ + umbrella ethical non monogamy BDSM and a host of other alternative lifestyles. 

Leyna 4:19
Perhaps you wouldn't be the person then to explain a few things to me because my kids have asked me and I don't know the answer. So they understand LGBT, they don't understand Q. I don't understand Q. 

Guest 4:36
With all the, you know, pansexual and bisexual and all of that I also describe myself as queer because one, it's easier, but two, it's a reclamation of a slur, and for some people, No matter what the defined words are with all the different ways being, you know, asexual, bisexual, pansexual, straight, gay bi-rom, you know, then you go into the other side of romanticism where it's bi-romantic and things of that nature is like, for some people, none of those truly fit and queer is a good word that can be used to describe well I'm definitely not straight, even if all the other words don't fit me straight definitely doesn't. 

Leyna 5:17
Okay, and then the plus, is what everything else? 

Guest 5:20
Everything, there are things that, like, 

Leyna 5:25
There are things we don't even know about. Right?

Guest 5:26
You know you've heard demisexual you've heard sapiosexual fray, I bet you have not heard Fraysexual. 
Leyna 5:35
Whoa, no what is it?

Guest 5:36
There's, and if so, fraysexual is someone who experiences attraction until they meet them, so it's from afar, There are people who will experience sexual attraction, until they become romantically attracted and then they're no longer sexually attracted. There are people who are heterosexual but bi-romantic right they can feel romantic feelings for any gender, but when it comes to sexual attraction it's only to the opposite gender right, so there's a lot of these different things and queer can make it sometimes easier shorthand for some people, without having to delve in and explain their sexuality or their romantic attractions to others. 

Leyna 6:15
Mm hmm. That fraysexual thing is actually I've never heard of it before, to hear you describe it kind of describes kind of describes how I've been in the past, and I'm sure a lot of people, yeah it's a, it's interesting that all these new things come up because, I mean, when do you stop coming up with new terms for every little nuance every little feeling that you feel you know like, you're gonna be attracted to someone, until you get to know them, right?

Guest 6:42
Does there need to be an End If it's helpful for just one person, then it's worth it in my opinion. 

Leyna 6:47
Okay that's fair, as long as they don't get upset that people because it is so confusing. And they're so like you know if you're not caught up on everything. There's a lot of stuff people don't know. So if you get angry, because people called you the wrong thing or assumed the wrong thing, then it actually isn't so helpful because if you come up with so many terms that there's no way the general public will ever get to hear it all. You can't blame them for not knowing you can't be upset. Again, not understanding right. 

Guest 7:24
Absolutely, and many of my clients and friends and family, understand that if people are opening to listening and learning, then, then there is rarely a clash, right, it's people who go well that's just fake or that's not real, right, you're telling someone who they are isn't real, they're gonna get upset. 

Leyna 7:43
Sure. No, I completely agree with that. Okay, awesome, and it's why we have shows like this one right, absolutely talk about things that people don't understand things that people don't approve of, and it's just part of the conversation, you don't have to agree with it. Okay, let's talk about you personally. Sure. So hypersexual I've also heard Yes, I mean it sounds pretty self explanatory but what are you talking about?

Guest 8:09
I love sex, I've always loved sex since I was younger, I have thankfully had parents who are very open about sex at an age appropriate way. And it's something I really enjoyed doing, whether it's loving or just as another fun thing like bowling to do with a friend.

Leyna 8:27
Right, but, you know a lot of people enjoy sex. 

Guest 8:29
I have an extremely, extremely higher, even amongst my highly sexual friends like my sex drive is very high, I'm fairly insatiable. 

Leyna 8:41
Okay, when does that become an addiction? 

Guest 8:43
When it impacts your life in negative ways. It never impacted my job, it's never, it's never impacted my relationships, that's where I think the line would cross as if it's impacting your life in a negative way. 

Leyna 8:56
And then lastly you're a kinkster 


Guest 9:00
Yes, for many years now. 

Leyna 9:02
Okay, and that also sounds like an umbrella term. 

Guest 9:03
Yeah, it's a lot of variety when it comes to BDSM. And so I like anything from impact play to breath play. So, medical staples 

Leyna 9:20
Whoa whoa whoa whoa, hold on a second breath play is what?

Guest 9:22
Okay so there's two main things that fall under breath play one is airflow restriction and the other is blood flow restriction. 

Leyna 9:29
Ah, okay, the choking. 
Guest 9:30
Yeah, choking or, you know, having your mouth over someone, Or your hand over someone's mouth and nose, things like that so they can breathe 

Leyna 9:42
Oh so you'd like doing it. 

Guest 9:43
Uh huh. 

Leyna 9:43
How about if done to you?

Guest 9:44
No I am a dominant side. 

Leyna 9:47
I see. Okay, thank you for explaining that. What was the next thing you were talking about other than breath play, it was one of my real staples 

Guest 9:53
Medical staples Yeah, I really like those I'm actually in a couple months teaching a class on it, and, yeah, those are really fun, I love stapling and then I'll use some ribbon with staples to make some pretty designs are you putting this… okay.

Leyna 11:36
I know what medical staples are right, are you using them on your body?

Guest 11:40
 I am using them on someone else's body. I'm not stapling anything together, I am just putting a staple into their skin. 

Leyna 11:43
Clearly they have to be into it. 

Guest 11:45
Yes, absolutely. As with everything with BDSM. 

Leyna 11:52
Sure. Is it painful?

Guest 11:53
 I've been told it's not, it's not super painful on areas where you have less meat that's a little bone here like near the collarbone and things like that are going to be more painful kind of like similar, not that the pain is similar but the fact that it is more painful closer to bony areas of similar tattoos. 

Leyna 12:13
But is there a sexual turn on for either of you guys?

Guest 12:14
Sometimes it depends on, on the, on who I'm playing with and, and if it's something sexual for them if it's something sexual for me, I would say about half of my BDSM activities are sexual for me and a half are platonic. 

Leyna 12:28
What is a platonic BDSM? Give me an example of a platonic BDSM activity or relationship

Guest 12:35
For example, I could do an impact scene where I'm being, you know, consensually hitting somebody for you know a half hour, an hour and then we cuddle afterwards and that's kind of it, there's nothing sexual about it, they may get slightly aroused I may get slightly aroused but that's not the point of it. The point of it is this person would like to have be hit and I would like to hit 

Leyna 12:57
Okay. So, John. Yes. When did your freak flag start flying?

Guest 13:00
Well, I early teenagehood I think like a lot of young teenagers, you know you get really interested in sex, and me being a giant nerd, I started reading a lot, the Internet was still in its infancy, but I did have it, and I was able to read up a whole lot before experiencing anything. 



Leyna 13:21
Let's talk about relationships then so we've been talking a lot about activity, right. Like what kind of relationships do you have?

Guest 13:28
So currently I have four partners. I have my spouse, I have my girlfriend. I have a casual partner and I have my little one, which is what I know you're gonna ask. So, my little one, I am in a BDSM relationship with. And it is specifically what a lot of people will say, Is daddy and little daddy dom and little I prefer caregiver little because it's less gendered. 

Leyna 13:50
Ok, So then  explain little.

Guest 13:57
So little is a broad category that generally the submissive will like child like things, or actually age regress. So, my little one, we, like, when I saw them last week set and we colored, and we played video games, and it is, some people will call it soft Dom, because I am not harsh with punishments, or things like that I am there, as a way of caregiving and giving support and helping them through the day through the week through the month. 

Leyna 14:35
I see. Okay, so, you know that that thing that you've probably heard of and I know other people have heard of, we're like an adult men like to wear diapers and be treated like a baby. 

Guest 14:45
ABDL Yeah. 

Leyna 14:46
Oh, so what is it called 

Guest 14:48 
ABDL adult baby diaper lover.

Leyna 14:52
Okay, and that's, it's not the same thing, more of a submissive role. 

Guest 14:59
Yes. 

Leyna 15:02
Okay. I think we're gonna have to have an encyclopedia attached to this episode. Okay, very interesting. So then you've got a spouse. Yes. For how long?

Guest 15:12
This Sunday will be our six year wedding anniversary. We've been together a little over a dozen years, 

Leyna 15:18
Nice, happy anniversary. 
Guest 15:18
Thank you

Leyna 15:19
Then you've got a girlfriend. Yes, and you've got a little one and, and the fourth is 

Guest 15:27
A casual partner. 

Leyna 15:29
Oh just a casual partner. 

Guest 15:30
Yeah, still a partner who I care about who we you know like we chat almost every day but we're not looking for something super serious we're not looking to intermingle our lives every day type of stuff. 

Leyna 15:41
Do you have sex. Absolutely. So all of these are sexual relationships?

Guest 15:45
No one of them and I'm not going to reveal which. But one of my partners is asexual 

Leyna 15:50
Asexual, meaning they just, they just don't have sex? That they don't care 

Guest 15:54
They're not interested in it, it's not for them. 

Leyna 15:57
Um, can I get personal?

Guest 15:58
Always Yeah. 

Leyna 15:59
Alright, so with your partner who is asexual, they may not be interested in it. Are you ever interested in having any kind of sexual activity with them?

Guest 16:09
Yes. 

Leyna 16:09
And do you ever act on it, Will they do something for you

Guest 16:12
No it took some time for them to realize that we had gotten into a relationship and it was sexual.
And then after a little while they're like, there was a period of time where I would initiate they would reject and then after a while I stopped initiating and then we got to talking more and they understood for themselves, that that's where they were at, I was like okay, I would never ever initiate with them because, to me, that would be extremely disrespectful. 

Leyna 16:40
So then you started out in a sexual relationship with them, they became uninterested in sex but because you care, and maybe love each other, you're still in a relationship. Absolutely. Would you do you think that there are many more people out there who are indeed asexual. Yeah, cuz you hear a bit often right you hear of married couples who either one or the other, normally it's the wife who just doesn't really have that interest there but they still love their husband. 

Guest 17:08
Right, yeah, I think there are and I think that asexuality becoming more part of the public consciousness has hopefully helped people realize more about themselves. 

Leyna 17:19
And in a relationship where one person no longer desires to help any sex. I mean how do you make it work because the other person still wants and needs it. Right?

Guest 17:30
True. Thankfully, someone in my position can have sex with whoever basically. 

Leyna 17:36
So the lifestyle seems like an answer to the problem of what happens when your spouse, no longer wants to have sex, but they still love each other right?

Guest 17:50
Potentially, you know, it would require a lot of discussion and as I know you've heard before adding new sexual partners, whether it's together or separately to try to fix a relationship is oftentimes going to backfire. I think the best thing to do is understand that if one of your partners comes out to you and says, I am asexual. That doesn't mean the relationship is necessarily broken and it's not something to fix about them or about your relationship. 

Leyna 18:20
All right. Wow, you're just, you're like you’re uh, just teaching me a lot of stuff today, I love it and I really really appreciate it. So you work with a lot of people kind of in this arena right. Yeah. If I'd asked you was like, I know it's any more when you use any kind of general terms, it's impossible but right if I asked you, like what's the biggest problem you're seeing, or what's the issue that many of your clients have, what would that be?

Guest 18:49
It depends on where they are in their life. I've been recently dealing with a few people who were newer to polyamory, and so they're dealing with a lot of the pitfalls and struggles of people who are newer to polyamory which comes with trusting their partners trusting themselves, allowing themselves the freedom that they now have in their relationships. When it comes to people who are in more longer term relationships, it tends to be similar to anyone who has been in a long term relationship, whether it's the Spark has gone out, or I don't like the way they do the dishes, you know?


Leyna 19:26
Right, but you know not liking the way someone does dishes. Seems like you've got other problems it's not the dishes, right?

Guest 19:33
Generally, yes

Leyna 19:34
I get a lot of messages from people who are asking for advice. I am the wrong person because I have no idea. But there are many people who are asking me, for instance, they're really interested in non monogamy, they love whoever they're with. And they're really nervous about, you know, how to broach the subject like, I mean what what do you tell them?

Guest 20:05
Generally I would ask them why they're interested in non monogamy. Once you get past that. Talking to your if you already have an existing relationship and talking to your partner about it. There are a few approaches personally my favorite is just come out with it, explain it, that it is not about them and then that it's not about anything about I'm not lacking anything, but I think the really important thing to remember is this is something you have been thinking about a lot, and potentially this partner has not been thinking about it at all. So you've had time to formulate the way you feel about it. You need to give them time, so they can formulate and figure out how they feel about it. Oftentimes, I've seen people go down the wrong path of expecting this partner to have an answer right away. And I think giving them time to think about it, letting them ask as many questions as they want about it, and sitting down and really going through the work of talking it out is really important because they need their the time to think about it as well. 

Leyna 21:12
Yesterday I received a very interesting message and believe me ever since I started doing this podcast I've been getting a lot of really interesting messages. And this one, I can always tell when it's sincere, like, you know, because I get a lot of weird stuff from people, but I can always tell when there's a real concern or issue there and they're really reaching out. So, This woman asked if I had any recommended reading to convince her boyfriend to be a cuck, and it was the message was was just very nicely written to me, and so I asked her, you know did. Does he have any interest or tendencies. And her answer was that he actually started it asked her to create an online dating website account. And so that he could watch her chat with some of the men and then he actually chose one for her to go out on a date with, right, but then, like, on the date actually started it asked her to create an online dating website account. And so that he could watch her chat with some of the men and then he actually chose one for her to go out on a date with, right, but then, like, on the day where she was supposed to go out, he chickened out. He forbid her to go and got very upset. She thinks now she's made a mistake in kind of going down that road, because now he can't let it go, it does any of that surprise you?>

Guest 22:22
No, sometimes for people the fantasy is a million times better and easier to handle and hot and sexy and the reality is they're not ready for it, or they might never be ready for it, and it's better, as just a fantasy. Right. So it's a lot to, it's not surprising at all. I think it's interesting the wording that person used to convince them to be a cuck, because I don't think that that's a thing you can do. 


Leyna 22:55
Right. You know some of these, some of them are funny, but many of them are really sincere, and I know for like the vanilla public, you know, they listen to this and they're like, Oh my God, give me a break or you know there are bigger things to worry about or whatever, but if you think about it I mean these are like real people with real emotions and you can't really help your desires. 

Guest 23:19
Absolutely, um, when it comes to alternative lifestyles there's less information out there, it can be harder to find. And if you don't know anyone in your personal support network who is falls under the umbrella of any of the things that you or your partner's interested in, it can feel really lonely. And so that's why people reach out, because they're hurting or they're wanting or they're confused and they just want help.

Leyna 24:02
You can find Jon on Twitter @jonnyace that's JONNYace, or go to the website; GSRMcoaching.com.
All right, next time on consenting adults, we talk to the author of "The Making of a Woman," who among other things, is a femdom.

Guest 
What I have found is to be able to put that gentleman in that degree of humiliation is something he has never experienced.
Leyna: 
And when he does he likes it?
Guest:  He likes it . Yes. He likes it.
Leyna 24:47
That's next time on consenting adults.