Ep 57 Real BDSM Couple

A firefighter and his business woman girlfriend are a real BDSM couple who enjoy a dominant/submissive relationship both in and outside the bedroom. There's a difference between pleasurable and punishment spankings but it's a fine line. They discuss forced orgasms, toys, ball gags, choking, and other activities that make 50 shades of grey red.  This couple now wants to get into swinging and that's how they found Consenting Adults.  

EP 57 – Real BDSM Couple
Transcription:
(Sizzle Reel)

0:00
I am very much a masochist, so I do receive a lot of sexual gratification from pain but it has to be the right kind of pain, any dominant that says they enjoy punishing their submissive, is a player, but you know, they're, they're failing, and you got to really really watch out for that and the lifestyle, you know, did you pull her hair right away what happened.

0:21
It moves very quickly. We were on opposite sides of that locked hotel door is that painful at all. It was orgasms I've never talked anyone else about a forced orgasm, there's a very fine line in our bodies between pleasure and pain, and when you have met that it's almost like excruciating pleasure. Just NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.  She pulls that on you.  Oh God.  How dare you.
Uh, Doug, please smack or ass for me because that is not allowed.  (SMACK!)
1:02
There you have it.  Even I felt that!  Thank you sir.  I have stuck my fingers in Doug’s ass.  OK! and my tongue has also been there and he seems to enjoy it. I enjoy it, I enjoy it.

1:54
Leyna: My guest today are Doug and Patty Doug is 44 He's a firefighter, Patty is 40 She's a business process analyst. Together they have a blended family of three children and they are a BDSM couple, and we're not talking life, you know, a little spanking in the bedroom. We're talking a 24 Seven dominant submissive, dynamic where Patty does not make decisions. Let's try to dig in and see how this came about. So, they met on Tumblr. Both were interested in BDSM he had some experience she had none. So Doug, what kind of experience did you have when, when you guys first met.

2:24 
Guest: I had a little bit and I say, I just barely brushed the surface of it, you know, read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, see what you know, see how you can interact with the girl at the time and then quickly escalated was very good, and then it kind of waned off and I found out that that really was like my, my true identity was like, I found out that I was a DOM.

2:54
Leyna: like in the beginning, was it the spanking in bed, what what most people would think of?

2:58
Guest: yes spanking flogging. You know, things like that. And then, you know, I mean, it would just ramp up as a kind of a experimental type thing with my previous relationship but then it just, she basically shut it down and I was like, this is like me now.

3:13
Leyna: interesting, so you get on Tumblr, see Patti, 
Guest: no Patti saw me. 
Leyna: Oh, Patty saw you, even better.
3:23
Guest:
If he tells the story he says I stalked him and I guess I kind of did.

Leyna: Okay. So Patty you had no experience. Now did you also like bunch of other people do the 50 Shades of Grey thing and piqued your interest.

3:36
Guest: You know, honestly, it did not I grew up in a home that was very religious, sexuality was not something to be explored it was something to be ashamed of. And so I spent a lot of years kind of not knowing who I was sexually I was very vanilla, and I was in a relationship prior, and when that started to kind of fall apart and I was looking for who I was as a person as you do after a breakup or after a relationship dissolves, I discovered Tumblr and was kind of just trying to figure out who I was sexually in the bedroom, and I'm naturally a very submissive person I'm a bit of a people pleaser, and I started delving into this submissive lifestyle and the more I read, the more I thought that, you know I really resonate with this. So I started looking for dominance on Tumblr, of all places because it's super safe to find people online, clearly messaged a couple of them just wanting to gather information because I was really curious and I had a couple of them message back,   one of them just seemed very unsafe But Doug and I really hit it off just talking, getting to know each other and talking about the lifestyle, you got to tell her what what what attracted you would give her the arm porn, give her the arm porn I’m an arm person 
Leyna: Oh me too.
Guest: His profile picture was literally his arm, and that is how I chose to message.

Leyna:     oh my god I love arm! I'm one of those people. Like, I love arms.
Guest: Yeah He has really sexy arms.
Leyna: Nice. Doug with the arms. Hello firefighter. So you you kind of got to know each other, and then tell me about your first meeting, I mean is it like any other awkward first date?

5:25 
Guest: I mean we were online back and forth for a quite a while, I gave her a lot of information to do some background digging so she felt comfortable with me and who I was. I you know, just so she could do some research so she wasn't beaten up with a you know a guy that has nice arms that is actually a serial killer. So, which I'm sure they're out there as well but I wanted her to feel safe, six months that we just did, that we went online back and forth and gotten to know each other and learned a lot about each other and what we liked what we didn't like. 
Leyna: Wait a second
Guest: Yes. 
Leyna: Was there like webcam stuff going on.

5:58
Guest: I wanted to keep it online only because it seemed very safe and so there was in the beginning it was just talking and then it kind of naturally progressed to okay well let's talk on the phone. And then as we started to get a little more hot and heavy in our conversations phone wise then we would do some video sessions on Skype, I think is what Skype is always started on. Yeah, and then…
Leyna: was the BDSM stuff then though.

6:26
Guest: Yeah, we, we quickly had a BDSM type of long distance relationship where we want to our rules that we, you know, when we went through our you know our different rules and what else did we have the photo sessions that were the day picture and the night pictures, which still holds today, if we don't want to we mentioned we were or long distance if I'm at work, and I'm an or I'm away. She sends me a morning picture and a night picture and that's just been part of our dance dynamic really since day one, from what I remember.
Leyna: you guys are long distance now where are you guys, 
Guest: I'm in New York, bound by a job for the next few years, and our next couple of years and she is in Tennessee, 
Leyna: that is long distance so
Guest: not as long as it was before, 
Leyna: before was what 
Guest: West Coast and East Coast,
Leyna: okay that's longer distance. So you know people send pictures all the time, right, yeah. So, what was it that made it more of a DS relationship.

7:21
Guest: Well, if I don't send my pictures that I received punishment. Or, if we have agreed upon a rule ahead of time, then if I don't follow through with my end of the bargain, then there will be punishment on the back end of that which we have agreed upon beforehand and I am okay with, there's a difference between. I think a lot of people think oh well she's abused, and there's a huge difference in the DS lifestyle between what we do, and what abuses. Right.

6:12
Guest: It’s interesting that she gave punishment on the back end Leyna.

7:54
Leyna: What what what was the punishment. 
Guest: Often is spankings, but we have to be very careful because I really enjoy being spanked. And so, for a while, we found that I would actually act out to receive punishment.
Leyna: Oh You naughty girl. 
Guest: Yeah, we tried several different things but what has worked is that I get punishment spankings which are much, much different than a pleasures thinking, 
Leya: but how do you do that online.

8:22
Guest: Well, that's when I had to get a little bit more creative with the, the punishments. So what I started to do was I would withhold orgasms I wouldn't allow her to she couldn't bring herself to come.   There were also several times where I would have to stand in the corner on my toes for five minutes, just enough to be very uncomfortable and remind me that that's probably not a choice, I would like to make again. 
Leyna: Oh, okay.

8:45
Guest: She resonates with pain, pretty, pretty quickly. And she enjoys some pain but there's definitely a distinct difference between punishment pain and pleasure, pain, and, you know, we obviously have that line I know that line for her, and that line for her is different than it would maybe for somebody else but the conclusion can easily be oh she's just abused and she likes pain and that's what happened and that's really not, not what the whole lifestyle is about.

9:07
Leyna: Well, someone told me, like I believe that was episode three, the submissive is actually the person in control. 
Guest: Absolutely, yes, absolutely. 
Leyna: And most people don't get that. No,
Guest: I would say most people don't get that at all and the people who think otherwise, aren't doing it right, they're not doing it right, but she is absolutely in control, she can shut down anything she wants she can shut down the whole dynamic anytime she wants.
9:32
Leyna: Right.  Patty do you get some sort of sexual gratification out of being punished, whether it's the painful versus the pleasurable pain.

9:42
Guest: I like Doug says that I am very much a masochist, so I do receive a lot of sexual gratification from pain but it has to be the right kind of pain. He's diligently spent about six months really delving into the ins and outs of who I was as a person and doing a lot of research and we're very careful about our dynamics so anything that we want to explore, we bring to each other, and nothing is ever done in an unsafe way. And so there are times where it's very much a sexual gratification but I can tell you that if I have missed a mark, and failed I don't know that failed is the right word but if I've failed something towards my dominant as a submissive, that pain, that is inflicted is almost a release of gosh what am I trying to say. If you let someone down you can carry that guilt forever and the great thing about BDSM is I receive a punishment for a transgression, and then it's done, and we never speak of it again. And that I think is not necessarily sexually gratifying, but it's definitely a relief to me,

10:48
Leyna: Lind of like, for instance in like the regular vanilla world. When you feel bad about something and then someone forgives you, it's this, like, something is lifted off your shoulders. Yeah, like released like a lightning like you feel lighter like, oh, Relief.

11:08
Guest: Yes, it's like that, but tenfold, because I have a physical manifestation of my apology. And so it's not just that someone has said that they forgive me, and now the situation is done, I know that he has forgiven me because I have basically paid my penance and that situation is completely finished and we will never speak of it again he will never hold a grudge, he will never bring it back up. It's just finished, 
Leyna: Doug.
Guest: yes. 
Leyna: Do you get something out of it.
11:35
Guest: Um, I get something, I mean obviously I get, because she's completely submissive and she enjoys pleasuring me and that's like my whole. That's what I get out of the whole thing, I mean I to inflict pain on her. No, honestly I don't like it at all. Especially when it's punishment pain, I mean if we're, you know, doing pleasure spankings or floggings or things like that. Yeah, so I get a lot out of that but the that's the other thing too about a real dominant and the fake Dom's out there is any dominant that says they enjoy punishing their submissive, is a player, it's it you know, they're, they're fake. And you got to really really watch out for that and the lifestyle.

12:10
Leyna: So, you guys have a loving DS relationship. 
Guest: Yes. Very much so.
Leyna: Okay. Can we move it into the bedroom, now, can we do that. Um, so tell me about like your first physical meeting.

12:26
Guest: Oh wow. Um, so we met after about six months, which I think speaks a lot to his patience and diligence, I mean he really spent six months getting to know who I was and what I wanted and what we were both into we went, line by line of anything that could come up in the bedroom and I really, the DS relationship is very much like you said that the sun is in control and so basically what happens is, I paint the lines on the coloring sheet and he gets to color however he wants within those lines, and so he had spent a lot of time doing that. So there was a lot of build up to that first initial physical meeting. We ended up meeting in a neutral city, I can't remember exactly which city of Minneapolis Minneapolis, so we met kind of in the middle ground. Oh that's right, she's from Minnesota, yeah. Good people come from Minnesota. 
Leyna: Yeah, but who knows the freaks come to meet there.
 
13:22
Guest: Just to give you an idea of like how much she's in control of this, you know, the dynamic even so much that goes down to our first meeting is, we got two separate hotel rooms side by side with a lock off room that way if she decided that hey this isn't for me. She could close the door and never see me again.
13:40
That was completely on Doug, actually he took the initiative on that and that really was very comforting. 
Leyna: So you saw him where his arms as nice in person?
Guest: They were as nice in person so was the rest of him, it didn't take long.

13:55
Leyna: so you meet in person and I mean, can you kind of tell me what that was like it was like fireworks 
Guest: Absolutely.
Leyna: Did you, you know how to pull her hair right away what happened.

14:05
Guest: It moves very quickly. We were on opposite sides of that locked hotel door, and we've been texting back and forth because his plane got in late and he was about three or four hours later than he was supposed to be so my anticipation level was through the roof. You actually thought I wasn't coming. Yeah, I thought he had stood me up actually. Well, and we opened that door, and it was like we had always known each other and it was so natural, and I think he took me on the bed there was some spanking. There was some squirting flow jobs. It was just kind of like a two person orgy at that point there were limbs and hair and everything everywhere.
And then we went on our first date. And then he took me to dinner,

14:52
Leyna: Maybe there was some spanking and you know the sex might have been maybe rough I don't know but how fast did it advance into something that was more what people think of when they think BDSM.

15:04
Guest: Once we got the initial meeting out of the way and we knew everybody was, you know, good to go. We everybody I said her and I are good to go. You know we, we started meeting at each other's houses and things like that and that's when we got our, our toys. You know the toys we have a we have a two sets of toys one set in each location couple sets 
Leyna: So you don’t have to travel with it. 
Guest: Right, exactly. Well, that's awkward here in there but ah…I’ve put a dildo in a suitcase more than I care to admit. But TSA loves her.

15:36
Leyna: Okay, so can you tell me about some of these toys, what are we talking about, I mean dildos are. Yeah, that's Tuesday night.

Guest: Yeah, um, it's very often that we'll go to dinner and he'll order me to wear no panties and a butt plug, so I'll be out in public with a plug. We've recently got one of these we vibe things that I can control with the remote control. Right. You know, in addition to those two things, it puts makes her a puddle, rather, rather easily. We have floggers, we have
a swing, swing in tie me up in and force orgasms using a hitachi.

16:12 
Guest: That's one of my big thing is I enjoy forcing orgasms like It's like tied up. She can't go anywhere, whether she's tied on the bed or where she's whether she's tied in the swing. And then, Hitachi on it, or whether it's just me,
Leyna: you poor girl Patty, you poor girl.
Guest: I enjoy it,
Leyna: You’re gonna have one, and you’re gonna like it dammit, 
Guest: yeah 15 
Leyna: Woah, I hope that thing is waterproof.
Guest: Well we have towel towels on a machine in a washing machine
Leyna: is that painful at all. 
Guest: It can be.
Leyna: Like forced orgasms I've never talked to anyone else about a forced orgasm,

16:51 there's a very fine line in our bodies between pleasure and pain, and when you have met that it's almost like excruciating pleasure is the only way I can use to describe it, it's still pleasurable…
Leyna: But you want to cry, 
Guest: that you want to be done. She does cry. I do cry. In fact sometimes tell us that if he knows I need an emotional release if I've had a bad week and I'm holding it in. That'll be one of his go to’s.
17:17
Leyna: interesting. do you guys do the you know what, like we you normally see in movies and stuff like that with the ball gags and the

17:27
Guest: oh yeah ball gags or I love seeing her in a ball gag without question that's, that is one of our, our primary go twos as well that's the ball gags the plugs nipple clamps. Yeah, the like the harness, like lingerie and things like that. She looks very very good in, and, yeah, the, the clamps and ball gag I would say are probably one of the, one of the Go to’s, I would say,

17:49
Leyna: I'm trying to understand like how different your relationship is compared to other couples who, you know, in the bedroom like the flogging and the other stuff. But, but don't have that DS relationship so is that the everyday stuff.


18:06
Guest: I think it's a big combination of a lot of things I mean, yeah sure a lot of people like to be choked but, like, you know there's there's ways to do that safely. And then when you combine that with the outside of the bedroom stuff. There's a lot of that, where I really, I mean she runs the financial aspects of our lives, but I run pretty much everything else she you know she has to buy something, it usually has to you know be asked through me. She makes sure that all the bills are paid and all that and that's, you know, again, as a service to me, but you know all of the life's decisions like where we're going, what we're doing next time we meet, all that, all those things come. They basically come through me. I think a lot of people are more kinkier than they absolutely want to believe or tell anybody, I think a lot of people would be into this lifestyle more openly for sure though let her throw something out,

17:43
I really think that people kind of have it twisted to the BDSM they think of it, and it's kinky sex. So they think okay well BDSM is floggings and spankings and choking and it absolutely can be those things we absolutely do those things and we probably are a little more kinky than some in the bedroom but what really sets us apart is the way that we run our relationship, there's a trust at our core, and there's a set of rules that we follow where my needs come before His needs his desires come before my desires and it's really how we run our relationship, you know, I don't make decisions by myself, everything goes through him
19:32
Leyna: Um, you said that you're probably kinkier than most in the bedroom. What do you talk about. Have you heard the show before.
Guest: Well we've heard the show. I mean, we say kinkier the most we don't know about most in the show, but we're talking about normal, normal, you know, not vanilla people will probably cringe at the most of the stuff on the show but we're you know we love it.
I've learned that there's a lot more kinky people out there than what we realized and that may be our natural lifestyle where I cook and clean and 1950s household. Yeah, that's a little more different than anything else we do, but we're pretty open to most things and we just keep moving that bar but for the most part, urine plays out for me. Fecal plays out for me and that was really a broad guideline. 
Leyna: good because I was really liking you guys and had you said anything different. I don't know.
Guest: Yeah, and there's no judgment for those that are into that it's just not our back. Leyna: I'm sorry I judge back to me is just something I can not get past no like no way we can. Yeah, you know like, even like even the pain the choking stuff does it make sense to me but I can see where it might be a turn on for someone,

20:53
Guest: the choking stuff has to be done carefully, like, yeah, you know, just, just a branch off that a lot of people a lot of men, just think it's wrapping your girls, you know, wrapping your hands around a girl's throat or you know, putting her in a chokehold, and you have to, it's not choking the airway it's, it's what you're doing is restricting blood flow on the sides of the, of the arteries and veins, and that's what's giving her the sense that she's choking. You're not restricting an airway that is dangerous, you're gonna hurt her.

21:22
Leyna: As far as sexual activities go. Do you do anything that's kind of, you know, different weird, whatever. 
Guest: We're just looking at each other wondering who's gonna answer first that's all good. Now you go ahead. 
Leyna: He told you to go ahead, Patty.

Guest: Yes, sir. I'm a little bi curious so it's always a bit of a fantasy we have yet to find a playmate, that is a girl that I can play with, but that's always an exploration that we're looking into we've recently started looking into a little bit of the swinging lifestyle. That's what
brought us to your, your shows your series. Yeah, so we were, you know like we listened we're listening to the swingers and we're both under the understanding that we will likely not be she will not be anyone elses submissive and I will not be anybody else's DOM. So we're not like, you know swingers like that. And we're not swingers at all right now,
22:16
Leyna: so you're not like BDSM Swingers, you would just be like Swingers, like,

Guest: yes relationship is very sacred to us and nothing gets past that line of connection anything outside of that is just kind of a different dynamic altogether to us and the way that we think the kink bar gets moved now, like you said before
22:37
Leyna: right. I mean, you said you grew up in a religious family right oh yeah okay so really anything other than missionary sex for a lot of religious people.
Guest: And I thought for a really long time that I was this extremely kinky person when I moved into the lifestyle because I was like, oh my gosh I'm, you know, like why, why did you lie all we were doing a you know we were doing like I was allowed to explore his body in any way I wanted to so you know like, just,

23:04
Leyna: no no no no no no, 
Guest: she pulls out on you.  Oh my god.
Leyna: How dare you, uh, Doug-- Please, smack her ass for me because that is not allowed.
(smack!)
Guest: There you have it
Leyna: even I felt that.
Guest: Thank you sir.
Leyna: Okay. So you were allowed to explore Doug's body, any way you wanted to. And what did you do,

23:35
Guest: well you know most men are not very comfortable with who they are in their bodies and so if you try and move south of the border at all there's some resistance there or I've had my tongue in places that I'd never had my tongue before I've had my fingers in places I've sucked on things. In the past I've, I've been with men who are not comfortable with their bodies. And so,

24:02
Leyna: hold on a second, Patty?
Guest: Yes.
Leyna: Are you trying to say…
Guest: I have stuck my finger and my tongue has also been there and he seems to enjoy. I enjoy it. I enjoy. 
Leyna: Okay, see? Doesn’t that feel good to get that out there. 
Guest: As you can tell I have a hard time. I needed alcohol before this I was unprepared I apologize.
Leyna: i need to put that in the directions before the interview. 
Guest: Two drink minimum. Yes.

24:43
Leyna: Okay, so you enjoy anal, there's anal play with Doug, so you're very comfortable that way before you got with Patty. Were you already experienced there did you already know you like that. 
Guest: No. I didn't. She kind of opened me up to that I, I was never comfortable like asking for that or had an open enough relationship to ask for that or or to that I could actually talk to somebody it's not I think I would like that. And never, never really came up with like, like I said I think with this, with the DS aspects, the communication aspect of the entire relationship is like next level stuff, like there's no, there's nothing between her and I that we can't discuss or do, and then say that we like that or we didn't like that. And that's where, you know, like I said the bar keeps getting pushed a little bit further and further and further.

Leyna: Right, well that is the number one thing that all of the guests on the show I've talked about and that is that trust that you have with each other. I'm kind of thinking that in a relationship, like yours that that's even more so, because you could get dangerous. Right?
Guest: absolutely. 
Leyna: So now you guys are starting to do your homework and learn more about swinging.
Guest: we're just kind of poking around on different sites and things like that and on Twitter and just kind of, yeah, like you said, doing homework and seeing what happens.
Leyna: Well I’m just thrilled that their research into the swinging lifestyle led them to Consenting Adults. So I sure hope they find as much fun and enjoyment as so many of my guests have.  In fact, if you’re listening to this and you want to show the the ropes—and when I say ropes I don’t mean actual ropes, but they’d like that, just look for them on our social media. Find us on twitter @ConsentAdults. Doug and Patty go by Lifestyle curious 40’s couple. Their profile picture says Real BDSM couple. Their handle is @DaddyBDSMprinc1.  Alright, next time on Consenting Adults…a woman and her boyfriend in the lifestyle end up breaking up but she stays in. 
Guest: I became a girlfriend to a few couples, and that’s when it also got very, very interesting and it was very different for me I wanted to venture into it as the quote unquote unicorn as they say, and I traveled Leyna to some really beautiful places. lifestyle places, and had some of the most extraordinary connections.
Leyna: And this unicorn has some tips on what couples should do to find one. That's next time on Consenting Adults.