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"SwingFessions" Jane and Jay are "social swingers," preferring to build connections before playing with others and they document their exploits in a comic strip. They especially love the social aspect of swinging and share lessons learned on how to enjoy lifestyle cruises. They've got the do's and don'ts of swinging expeditions!
EP 043 - SwingFessions
00:00:00 - 00:05:03
Jay and I had so much fun at that first experienced that it fueled our sex for the rest of the cruise ship. We were doing it to three times a day at least all over the place. And then you've done orgies. Yes a few maybe one or two okay. A few is three or more, Jane. Jay would be happy to have you correct to be on that one. They reached out to me and invited me to be their unicorn. You're on top of each other like man on top of women or women on top of man you can be side by side in the bed just fine. A king has plenty of room for four slow. You made it work. Yes. An accidental orgy. My gosh I hear that so often and like, these accidents never happen to me. Yeah we tripped and fell. Get ready this is Consenting Adults.
(Podcast Show Open)
Leyna: My guest today is what many people call a social swinger so she’s someone who prefers to build connections and friendships, so really like relationships before any sex is involved and in fact sometimes sex is not involved. Her name is Jane. She's married to Jay --been together for eleven years in the lifestyle almost eight years now and like many people in the lifestyle, they like to document their experiences. But it's not with a podcast not with a blog. They do it with comics as in comic strip. Let's see how this idea came up so Jane, welcome to the show.
Guest: Hi, thank you.
Leyna: You’re in the nonprofit world and the husband is in consulting. How did this thing with a comic strip come up?
Guest: As you said we've been in the lifestyle for almost eight years now and we have so many stories and I looked back and realized that I had created a comic when I was in high school. It's so digestible. You can read a comic in about thirty seconds or less and it really hits on some some fun topics and for Jay and I it's just such a great way to take a trip down memory lane because each little four panel comic is actually often a whole evening or weeks’ full of experiences for us to think back on fondly.
Leyna: Alright, very good. So Jane is forty-three. Jay is forty-five you've been together eleven years. That's actually a very long time for as young as you are. How did this, how did the whole swinging thing come up. I mean would you describe your marriage as a good one with a healthy sex life before?
Guest: Yes we have a very good marriage and actually my introduction to the lifestyle happened before I even met Jay. Many years ago I was in a job where I traveled quite a bit and a met a coworker and we ended up having a one night stand. I knew he was married so it wasn't the smartest thing to do but I was a twenty something year old and we both lived in different states so it didn't seem to have a lot of consequences. Apparently, he went home and felt really guilty and told his wife about it. Instead of her wanting to kill him and me, which was a possibility, she confessed to him that she thought the marriage had been stale and she wasn't happy about the way he did it but glad that he came to her and they ultimately got into the swinging lifestyle. And after they had been doing it for a little while mhe reached out to me and invited me to be their unicorn. Which was interesting and so unicorn is a single woman, that joins a couple. I'm sure your listeners might know that but I don't wanna use too much lingo, just in case. And I was not interested in joining them and was really pretty taken aback by the whole idea.
Leyna: How dare you!
Guest: I wasn't mad. I was just shocked more. More was the answer.
Leyna: Now, were you--were you shocked because because she was okay with it? Because you're okay with cheating.
Guest: I was a little shocked that she was okay with it.
00:05:03 - 00:10:17
And I was just--like I said I was in my early twenties. I didn't really know what swinging was. However he really explained the situation and the way swinging worked in a style that was very intriguing. So I wanted to learn more about it. We would talk. He’d tell me what the lifestyle club in his city was like and it was enticing but I had no interest in doing anything with them as a couple. And so fast forward, Jay and I had been married a few years, and we were about to relocate to a new city where we didn't know anybody. We were trying to find different ways to connect and spicing up our love life and some pillow talk involved getting other folks involved. Ultimately we ended up learning that swinging was a real thing that people did, and we discover that there was a lifestyle club in the city we were in, and one night we had--it was actually our wedding anniversary. We had a really fancy dinner that had multiple courses with the different drink pairing with each course, and we were feeling really brave and at the end of dinner we realize that the lifestyle club was like a block away so we just rambled on in.
Leyna: Had you ever been in the club before ?
Guest: We had never been in a swinger club before. So my friend had told me that when you walk in, if you're a new person people are so welcoming. They're so friendly and they're going to really take you under their wing and show you around and it's gonna be awesome. Because that was his experience. It was probably after eleven by the time we got there since dinner had run so late and the experience was not what I expected. It was still nice but we walk in and this club had an upstairs where all the playrooms were and downstairs was the bar and the dance floor and apparently since it closed around one or two in the morning by the time we arrived, most of the folks were already upstairs playing.
Leyna: So you walk in and it's like where is everybody? They’re all upstairs.
Guest: Yeah where is everybody so ordered cokes at the bar which was ridiculous. We sat down and sipped our coke for a minute and then we braved up and went upstairs and took it all in because there were this one had sofas where people were doing all sorts of sex acts and it was really just fun and sexy and hot to just see live pornography. And then ultimately we saw that there was a private room that had a window and nobody was in it so we went in and Jay said he was going to close the curtains and he, I guess left them open like a few inches and we proceeded to have a lot of fun and throughout the evening he would let me know how many people were peeking through the curtain to see what was happening and it was really exciting to be an exhibitionist. Even though we didn't meet anybody but it was so hot and it fueled our sex life for weeks.
Leyna: But, but you --so you had no issue. No problem having sex semi publicly.
Guest: I’d always been pretty comfortable-- not having sex in public but I’ve to nude beaches and topless beaches. So I know this is a much more extreme than that but there wasn't that situation although the whole time I told Jay I'm not looking you--tell me what's happening. And he did and he had so much fun. Seeing that other people wanted to see us and it just turned us on so much there, there wasn't hesitation. I think if we had gone in sober it probably would have been a little harder to get into that zone.
Leyna: How long before you made the next step.
Guest: Gosh within a few weeks. Jay came back and discovered that they were websites where you could meet other swingers like dating websites and he told me about one and we made a profile. We slowly started meeting people that way started off quite slowly. We weren't making great connections but the we met this couple. That had been swingers for many years and we weren't interested in them. They wanted to meet any way and I said we're not interested in playing. We're very new to this. But we'd love to learn more about it from people that have been doing it and they agreed and we met for drinks one night and they were great initial mentors and shared some fun stories with us and we never did end up you know taking it further than that but they helped us understand the local scene and help us get more comfortable and then ultimately we went to the club another night and we did meet a nice couple there and yeah we had like a soft swap experience with them and they were new to the lifestyle too so it was a nice pair.
00:10:17 - 00:15:08
The four of us would do dinner dates and get together so it was July that we went to the club and then in January we decided to just dive in feet first and we went on a swinger cruise.
Leyna: You knew something was gonna happen on the cruise right?
Guest: So we went on a cruise thinking pretty much we're voyeurs and exhibitionists primarily and we've had some soft swap experiences and in fact we had another couple that we were friendly with who found out we're going on a cruise and they said “Oh my gosh we need to meet you and give you some pointers before you go.” And I'm glad they did. On one of the swinger dating sites was a page for this cruise. So you could meet some people in advance and we got some nice advice that way and while we could never learn it all it, we went in knowing exactly what was a possibility. The great thing about cruises is they're so big that you can do whatever you'd like or do as little as you'd like.
Leyna: Can you give me some of these pointers that you said you got that were helpful?
Guest: Sure happy to. So the first is the cruise is full of people from the full spectrum. Some are just adults that want to have a fun sexy vacation and are not interested in anything lifestyle related. They're happy to have it going on adjacently. But they're not looking to participate. They're not even looking to be naked. There's folks that are nudist. There's folks that are you know, full time very Into swinging and then there's all sorts of different types of kink and other other scenarios there, so it's a full spectrum of non-monogamous and non-monogamous comfortable or alternative sex lifestyle there. And so they said don't--you're not going to be pressured to do anything. They said to make up business cards with your cabin number. I know this is silly but everybody has them. Some people call them flirt cards. But they're really handy because you can just if you meet somebody great the thing about a cruise, is it's so big. If you see somebody who have a connection you might never see them again.
Leyna: Right I've heard that.
Gust: Yeah so you give them a card. You have a great connection you can say hey here's our cabin, like call us later. We can find a time to meet up for a drink or we're going to be at X-bar tonight, come meet us. So it just gives you a chance or if you can't connect it says we didn't get to connect this time but let's stay in touch and maybe we'll see each other again someday. Although we always print up a bunch of cards we rarely remember to give them out at this point because we've gone on about six or seven different cruises at this point.
Leyna: Wow so you really like them.
Guest: We love it. It's so fun
00:15:09 - 00:20:03
Leyna: Tell me about the first time full swap experience. Y
Guest: Yes so. It's the stereotypical hot tub story.
Leyna: OH no! It’s the hot tub.
Guest: t's so embarrassing. So the evening started with us with two other couples. So there were six people altogether and we ended up with a playroom with this group. And everybody was soft swap. The two other men didn't really like each other so it's very awkward. One of them was trying to be like a conductor. And tell everybody what to do and how to do it. I am straight and he kept trying to push me into doing things with his wife so it was, it was a fine experience. But it was unsatisfying. And so I left and I was still really amped up and turned on without a great release.
Leyna: So we were frustrated.
Guest: Yes I was frustrated and we ended up going to the hot tub and this other couple was in the hot tub. The male half of the couple was like every guy I had dated in college. He was totally different looks than Jay. He was an attorney. You know he had all he ticked all of my boxes and Jay also connected with his wife and and we all were just talking. And I just felt myself really drawn to him and next thing you know it we are making out in the hot tub and his wife asked Jay if we'd like to move to one of our cabins. On the walk back to our cabin. Jay and I had a little chat and decided that we would be comfortable doing a full swap if it went that way. And and that's what happened and it was really incredible on every level.
Leyna: Oh no, Jane you're gonna make me ask the questions aren't you.
Guest: That's your job, isn’t it?
Leyna: I know cruise ship cabins. They're small.
Leyna: All four of you in one cabin?
Guest: It's tight but you make it work. Jay and the woman were out on the balcony and me and the gentlemen were on the bed and then everybody ultimately moved onto the bed. And you know when you're on top of each other like man on top of woman or woman on top of man you can be side by side in the bed just fine, a king bed has plenty of room fof four.
Leyna: So you made it work.
Leyna: Now do you find yourself like keeping an eye on the hubby and seeing what he's doing or are you so engrossed in what's happening with you and this hunk that you're with?
Guest: I was really engrossed and I am--I am not as much into the visual as Jay. I don't really watch a lot of porn. I mean I'm not adverse to it. I enjoy it from time to time but it doesn't do it for me. I just like to be in the action. I like to close my eyes and feel the moment so he was definitely keeping an eye on what we were up to and I always glanced over to make sure everything is good but I. I don't get lost in his actions.
Leyna: Well and so now you've got the four of you on one bed can you describe what it's like especially it's your first time I mean, do you not see him there next to you with this other woman. Are you that engrossed or are you aware that this is really happening.
Guest: I'm very aware. And I mean a bed like that is such that you occasionally brush up against the other couple in that adds to the sexiness of it. I don't know if I was touching her him and I might touch Jay, Jay might touch me while we're with another person so it was definitely very very hot knowing that we were doing this near each other and also one of the things that we get as a couple out of swinging is that rush that you get the first time you're with somebody. You know that I kiss or the first time you go all the way with a new partner and It's just all like butterflies and hormones and it's so sexy. And I love Jay so much. And we have a great amazing sex life, but we're never going to have a first kiss again and we're never going to have a first time having sex again so this allows us to add the missing piece to our relationship.
Leyna: Is there ever any doubt any question, any jealousy anything at all that could be seen as negative.
00:20:03 - 00:25:02
Guest: Not in that moment. That was perfect all around in the moment after the moment --the next day it was awkward. Because I didn't know how to act around these folks. I was, since it was like a first kiss or a first time with a new person it also brought back the awkwardness of early dating days where you have sex or something happens with somebody you don't know that well and you don't know where your relationship stands. And I didn't know what to do since we've never done it.
Leyna: Did it disappear like nothing happened or was it like you said it was awkward but did it get past that awkward stage quickly?
Guest: So during-- the sex itself was amazing. We wanted to see them again and ultimately we ran into them a few times the rest of the week I mean we ran into them everywhere but we never did anything with them again. There was no more sex or kissing or anything beyond niceties exchanged.
Leyna: Now that turn you off that turn you off to the whole experience?
Guest: It didn't turn me off to swinging. And I still was able to appreciate that our time with them was great but it made me aware of…
Leyna: It’s just sex.
Guest: Yes that it was just sex and it wasn't a relationship with these two. And I'm not looking for a new relationship to replace my relationship with Jay in any way. So that's it was. It was fine, I've had my share of one-night stands. The fact that we were on this boat for six more days was what made it awkward. Just because I didn't know what the expectations were and frankly I was hoping something would happen again. 'Cdause it was so much fun the first time as is I guess a little disappointed that it didn't but it made me realize that this was really fun and let's find other couples that we can connect with.
Leyna: And did you find any other couples on that cruise?
Guest: I don't believe so.
Leyna: Okay so with all of these people okay, on a big cruise ship--you didn't find anyone else you were interested in playing with?
Guest: So for us, the play is just the gravy. Jay and I had so much fun at that first experienced that it fuels our sex for the rest of the cruise ship. We were doing it to three times a day at least, all over the place and so we didn't need another couple and you know if it happened that would have been great but it wasn’t--we weren't even expecting the one couple And in fact, we have gone on cruises where we didn't play with anyone at all we just, we made a lot of friends. And we're still in touch with folks that we met on that cruise and on subsequent cruises. Some of them are are lifelong friends but playing isn't always a part of it and frankly it's not that important to us. The real thing we we enjoy is that connection the relationships with a couple that you can have a no-holds-barred conversation. You can talk about sex. You can talk about you know who you had sex with yesterday or what positions you like and then you can talk about. You know wine or movies or music. It's it's just a deeper relationship when you know that there's almost nothing that's off the table from a conversation or connection standpoint.
Leyna: Now I was on your twitter. And I saw that you're both vaccinated now and you, you went to a swinger club again.
Guest: We did. It was really interesting. I went in thinking there might be masks and might be a little social distance. It was not quite as crowded as it used to be before covidt but it--It was crowded. It was the most crowded place I've been indoors in a while. The folks we hung out with all had been vaccinated and there was a few masks here and there.
Leyna: Did you feel comfortable though. Did you feel safe?
Guest: I did because we pretty much just hung out with the group of people we already knew. I wasn't ready to play so we did not end up doing that. Although many many many people were playing all around us just I wasn't there so we hung out and chatted with our friends and just had a great time. Feeling normal.
Leyna: Okay. So you've done soft swap full swap. You've done the MFM.
Leyna; And have you done the FMF?
Leyna: And then you've done orgies.
Guest: Yes, a few maybe one or two.
Leyna: Okay. A few is three or more Jane, three or more.
00:25:02 - 00:27:11
Guest: Jay would be happy to have you correct me on that one.
Leyna: And when you say orgy how many people are you talking about? Like is it over six to be considered an orgy?
Guest: The one that I'm thinking of I think there were about eight. It was an accidental orgy.
Leyna: Gosh I hear that so often--and these accidents never happened to me.
Guest: Yeah we tripped and fell. We were with a couple who had many many friends and they were playing with another couple and invited us to join them and then kept inviting people to join in, so it just became I really don't know how many people were in that space. It was eight or ten maybe.
Leyna: Looking into the future, do you see you guys always doing this?
Guest: I do see this being some part of our life not necessarily always having sex with others but the vacations just can't be beat. Having adults-only nudity-optional and folks that are just out to have fun and make friends and network and socialize. It's our favorite thing about it. So ask me again when we're sixty and seventy or older but I've seen many much older folks in their seventies and eighties and beyond having an awesome time at these vacations. So I hope that's us too.
Leyna: You can check them out at Swingfessions on Twitter or swingfessions dot com. They release a new comic strip every Wednesday. All right next time on Consenting Adults they were diamonds in the rough but a little polishing really has them shining in the lifestyle.
Guest: The DVP was crazy and fun and that was kind of a spontaneous thing too one of the single gentlemen he suggested it and kind of a great coach –coached us, we’re like oh my gosh we’re really doing this. I had no idea we could do this.
Leyna: Figuring out your play style with a little help from your friends that's next time on Consenting Adults.
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