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Many couples find sex partners in the lifestyle by attending sex parties and J.J. is responsible for helping people break the ice at these events. He's a sex party enthusiast in New York who wondered if his voracious sexual appetite was an addiction or something to be explored and enjoyed. He has a big sex toy collection and shares funny stories about his adventures in being what he describes as "sluttastic!"
EP 36 – Sex Party Enthusiast
Each floor has different rooms and each room has different setups you could have one bed to bed a whole bunch of beds, and you can Goldilocks your way through there as it is this room too small or too large or just come early to the parties. Wow, can it be awkward like middle school dance phase, you know, the third pillar breath is I think if a guy wants me to do 99.9% of the work because I do not want to lift a finger. If it comes to that. I'm lying on my back and I have a woman riding my Deck. A woman riding my face and a woman seated in between those two, just along for the ride. And can I ask you a question, because you said you seemed like the perfect person that well maybe you're not I don't know, because I've always wondered, yeah. What are butt plugs for men have a prostate, and if they have a butt plug that hits the prostate, and it can be very pleasurable for a guy I know women who love TP or love it in the ass when
they have a plug in, it gives them that sensation and it's, It's not easy, right, people like being not all sex parties created equal. Are they all kind of the same or do they have different levels of whatever. Excellent question. Get ready. This is consenting adults,
(Podcast Show Open)
Leyna: My guest today is JJ, he's 34 years old a bit younger than most of the people we talked to, I know that JJ has a live-in girlfriend. He also says he has a secondary d s relationship don’t what the hell that means, and he's a kinky switch I don't know what the hell that means either. I love it when I have to look something up in the urban dictionary, why don't you tell us JJ, what the heck is a D S relationship.
Guest: What the heck are you?! DS dominant submissive so BDSM. You might recognize some of those letters from the famous acronym, my current secondary situation so a switch is someone that is both dominant and submissive. Sometimes just dominance sometimes just submissive, maybe they switch within a scene.
Leyna: Kind of like a switch hitter.
Guest: There you go. Okay, there we go, which has many connotations when it comes.
Leyna: Right. But you're but you're straight?
Guest: Yeah I’d say that I'm a trisexual I'll try anything.
Leyna: Oh, you're one of those. Yeah, let me ask you about that. Sure. When I think bisexual, or homosexual I'm thinking, you know, romantic feelings for the same sex. So with you, you, I know you're gonna try anything and you're one of those crazy young people, but is there any emotional anything, I mean are you open to sex with the same gender.
Guest: Sure it's, it wouldn't be at the top 29 things I want to do but it's, you know, when I'm at the restaurant. I'll order just about anything on the menu but that's not one of my top choices if, if I'm, if there's room in the stomach for more food I will partake for sure. Right, okay, women or women are just so beautiful I love women, their spirit their bodies, their minds just everything I love women so much. I've no doubt that that is my preference that's 100% Sure. But I would say when comparing nothing at all to a guy or a part of a guy, you know, then there's a more interesting conversation to have.
Leyna: Okay, so what you're saying is you would prefer to have sex with women but if you had to pick between not having sex, and then having sex with a guy you’d choose the guy.
Guest: Yeah, so it depends on how long I've been, I always, I've used this.
Leyna: Oh, you mean like a dry spell?
Guest: Right so women are like a feast of a million flavors and men are like stale crackers to me. I will never to the stale crackers when women are available but in long spans are, you know so starved, you know, still crackers, you know are better than you know coughing up dust. So, I also got to say to you know the term pillow pretzels, I think if a guy wants me to do 99.9% of the work because I'm not, I do not want to lift a finger. If, if it comes to that. Okay, my secondary partner is kind of a pillow princess, and she'll probably hit me for saying that when she hears this, but
Leyna: Wait Is she a pillow Princess when it comes to having sex with you too?
Yeah, I would say, well see, I'm the submissive in the relationship. So, our style my style submission or style of dominance tends to fit together like a juicy puzzle piece where she likes receiving pleasure and I like giving it.
Leyna: Let's talk about the live in girlfriend.
Leyna: Is she in the lifestyle?
Guest: She is very in the lifestyle before I met her, she was not at all, and I fell in love with her and I was like, sorry this isn't gonna work because I'm slutastic, and I don't know that I could ever do long term monogamy. And so there's a period of a few months where we're both like this sucks. And then she went to a sex party with me and she's like, No, this is even better. So that worked out.
Leyna: So you converted a vanilla huh?
Guest: It wasn't by intention, it was just by…
Guest: Yeah, just osmosis yeah she, she hangs around.
Leyna: Okay. Not you, not only do you enjoy sex it's kind of like your life. I mean, you know you're a sex podcaster, Sexie Show Sexie with IE, You love interviewing particularly women, you're always hitting on these women, JJ.
Guest: Well, I like to think of it more as lifting up their spirit, and if, if they feel any sort of sexual appreciation in return then I'm lucky to have that reflect back towards me. However, you know I'm attracted to their minds as much as their bodies because all these guests usually they're in different cities.
Leyna: So, okay, so he does this sexie podcast, and he also is a connoisseur of sex parties.
Leyna: You’ve been to many, yes?
Guest: I have, Yes, I've been to, I don't know what the count would be at this point probably over 120 different parties.
Leyna: When you say sex party, what are you actually talking about, I mean, is this like at a club is at a hotel is it at someone's house,
all of those things.
Guest: So, the one that I frequent the most frequently tends to be in a rented out house. That's Multi Floor, and each floor has different rooms and each room has different setups you could have one bed to bed a whole bunch of beds, and you can Goldilocks your way through there
Leyna: This one,s JUST right.
Guest: Right. Too small and too large or just right. Yeah,
Leyna: Ao like whoever runs the party rents the house and sets it all up?
Guest: Yeah disclaimer though you don't get eaten by bears, yeah. Yeah, so
Leyna: Unless you want to. This is not like an Airbnb rental is it,
Guest: No this this particular location they go to a lot. I think it's, they usually throw parties just the sex party the other space they rent out as a dojo, is like, it's like a kid's karate studio or something.
Leyna: Are you kidding me?
Guest: Yeah I'd hate to be the janitor there but,
Leyna: Oh gosh. Okay so now let's get into these parties. Okay, are all sex parties created equal. Are they all kind of the same or do they have different levels of whatever.
Guest: Excellent question. The one that I go to, I can elaborate on that one the best and that I would say is if you heard of the Burning Man crowd. Yes, yeah so burners, I would say the heart of that party is the Burning Man crowd they're the inner core of that planet, but the majority of people who attend the party I would say are from all walks of life that wouldn't quite themselves as modern day hippies they'd be maybe people in finance or doctors or whatever. This party is also more couple heavy, where it's not a swingers party where that's almost exclusively couples, but I'd say a typical breakdown would be let's say 120 people show up, all but maybe 20 of them are couples either girl girl or guy girl. And then there are maybe one to five solo men and then the rest are solo women, and this particular party is way, way more female centric people who love women tend to come in as parties.
Leyna: But where are these women coming from because all of these couples I talked to tell me how hard it is to find that single female.
Guest: Well the the party, by design, the people who run it and that's kind of at least in New York City, the New York City scene. I think the way that they kind of compete with each other, a friendly compete a lot of the people attend other parties that are thrown there as well but they kind of try to get a different niche they were some are more for the polyamorous community, some are more for the modern day hippies, some are more of the swingers. Some are more kink friendly etc. With this party that I go to a lot, chemistry, I insist, anyone who's in New York goes to chemistry when global pandemic isn't still ravaging us all. We can ravage each other once a chemistry, they tend to make sure that the numbers when people show up are already very heavily females so they have probably a mailing list, I would guess over 10,000 At this point, this is me just guessing. Yeah, cuz they've been around for about 14 years I think at this point. There are a lot of probably inactive people on the mailing list but
Leyna: Right but then if you're talking about say 120 people out of 1000s of people, is there like a cap on, like, do you have to RSVP to go to the party, do they keep the size down so that you don't have--
Guest: Yeah, so that's, that's in general they have a general idea of how many couples they want, how many solo females they want, how many solo males they want and they have this because they've been around for a while, they have a large pool of people to choose from, and it you know it's usually very competitive first come first serve for the tickets and stuff. Now I host the icebreaker games there so.
Leyna: Oh, give me an example. What do you mean, so, so like, Okay, so let's say vanilla Leyna comes to this party. Yes, And you go inside and it seems like just any other party and then you're the guy who's kind of like running the entertainment.
Guest: So, another disclaimer My ass is usually hanging out at all points in this party, and that's, that's how people tend to find me at this party it's kind of like the lighthouse speaker that keeps people safe on cloudy nights.
Leyna: You look for J J's white ass.
Guest: Yeah, basically. Yeah, super pale. No, but he is the bad guy and I known as the professor, if you will. And for people who come early to the parties. Wow, can it be awkward like middle school dance phase people walk in and they're, you know, they might be, you know, pissing themselves they're so scared. For the people who come early, and the people come early, I find them, I'm super duper Social, I'm so extrovert, so I come right up to people and I you know, get them relaxed, and I get us all to play a game that's like flirting where you don't actually have to put in any effort.
Leyna: Is it always a different game?
Guest: It's usually based around the same concept of you know Family Feud where you try to guess the most popular answer to questions. So I asked the questions live, where people, they show two cards one card is how they answer for themselves, and the other one is what they think the popular answer is going to be in the group, since they're all answering at the exact same time, you find out right on the spot, what the popular answer is.
Leyna: Okay, give me an example of a question.
Guest: Sure. Usually there's ABCD choices and they're all opinion based questions. So a classic example would be my sexual spirit animal is an albatross, be a baby giraffe. See, an alligator or D, a whale. And then we'll have to choose.
Leyna: Wow. Wow. Well,
Guest: T hat is one of the tamer questions too. They get very wacky and bizarre.
Leyna: Interesting. 'm still thinking I'm between C and D is what I'm thinking, okay,
Guest: Oh, Interesting.
Leyna: Yeah, well, I can't get my head around the whole giraffe thing but, okay,
Guest: But the giraffe can get his head around you though. Sorry.
Leyna: So JJ runs the icebreaker games, and this is one of New York City's largest sex parties right.
Guest: I believe so, yes, depending on the space sometimes they'll do a Friday Saturday Sunday party at a smaller space so they'll have the same amount of attendees split the three in three days, but in their larger spaces, they've had they've had up to 300 people at one party before, usually they do a two night where it's about 130 at each.
Leyna: What does it cost couples something to be able to go to these parties.
Guest: Yeah, a not so ugly penny, we'll put it that way. I know that for me, I have not checked on the actual prices in a while and they might be very different post pandemic when I assume people are going to be very anxious about that kind of thing, sex parties in general I think post pandemic, you're going to get some nice deals I think
Leyna: I've talked to a lot of couples who cannot wait to be able to do something again because, I mean the pandemic and being locked down and having to, you know, social distance is hard for everyone but especially hard for the people who, who, like really need this right. It's not just a normal like you know when you're normal. And I hate that word so I don't mean it the way other people mean it. But if you're just a regular vanilla couple. So you're locked up at home with each other. But when you're one of these people who needs to interact with others, right, we're like you crave sex with other people as well, pandemics been really awful for those people. Yeah. How's it been for you.
Guest: So I do consider myself a master of the masturbatory arts and that's helped me considerably this past year but I am in the middle of my current longest dry streak of no new partners, and it's quite the mind hump, if you will, and I'm trying to get over it because in the Venn diagram in my life. Have you got friends, and you have people that you fuck the middle section for me is very large, usually I have very strong friendship bonds with people that have either partners with me or my girlfriend or both because she's bisexual she wants to limit too. And those people, some of them have moved away from the city, that's related to the pandemic, some of them naturally get into monogamous situations which happens with the lifestyle sometimes they'll be, you know, Very slutty when they're single on that. Sorry, I missed the parties because my social life that was, that's like really how I found my closest friends and partners.
Leyna: For most people who will be listening to this podcast and not watching it. JJ has a stripper pole behind him.
Leyna: Next to his bed.
Guest: Yes, installed by a stripper.
Leyna: Wait a second, is that lotion on your nightstand.
Guest: You know, just off screen I have things that are at 80 times worse than lotion. Probably because it's it's a dry season and it's dry lately.
Leyna: Well, I also saw some hand sanitizer so I am just happy you're, you're being safe,
Guest: I should have I should have brought all my sex toys out to display to you in the background.
Leyna: You have a lot of sex toys?
Guest: I'd say so not the most you've ever heard of but way more than the average person.
Guest: I just got five new ones. Last month,
Leyna So when I talked to women you know it's the regular run of the mill female sex toys, what kind of stuff do you have?
Guest: So have you heard of the neon wand.
Guest: That's a fun one, it's…
Leyna: What is it?
Guest: It basically gives you a little electric shock, whenever you touch it to someone's skin,
Leyna: And it's fun. You like that?
Guest: It is fun. True story, one time I left it in a hotel, me and my girlfriend, were having a threesome with apartner at the hotel next door to where I lived, and I left my neon wand there, and I couldn't get back into the room because I already checked out so I had to call them and be like hey I think I left something they're like what? An electrified sex toy. Ok, we’ll mail it to you, where do you live? Right next door.
Leyna: Okay, so the neon wand, what else do you have?
Guest: Yes, we got strap-on harness, we got a double leash, I have plenty of butt plugs, and
Leyna: Oh, can I ask you a question, because you said you seem like the perfect person that well maybe you're not I don't know, because I've always wondered, and last week I talked to a porn star and totally forgot to ask her. Yeah, but I never knew. I still don't. What are butt plugs for?
Guest: What are they for?
Leyna: Yeah, I mean, okay so…
Guest: You won't believe this, but they actually are meant to plug butts
Leyna: I NO NO NO NO oh stop.
What I mean is that okay, this is how, vanilla, and I don't know what the word is how maybe was stupid I was, I honestly thought, but plugs were like sinker stops, where, where you actually use them because you can't control anything.
Guest: Oh, I'm sure they help with that condition, but that's an awkward, talk with your doctor when you get to the hospital.
Leyna: Right so but then what do people get something out, is there a thing there a sensation is there.
Guest: Absolutely. So, really, you have nerve endings down there right your sphincter, it can feel things it can be aware of things well, those, those sensors down there can experience pleasure and butt plugs what they do is they kind of keep, they keep touching the pleasure sensors around they're both on the inside and mostly on the outside, I would say. And while you're experiencing pleasure and other places, butt plugs they add extra sensation, they make your brain and your body, think about other areas being pleasured, it's like kissing is great, but then kissing while having your nipple rubbed feels great kissing while you're having both nipples rubbed, and you just have pleasure buttons down there, and the plug plays with it.
Leyna: I'm not sure I still understand it but I mean I, I'm just not sure I get it yet, but they don’t move or anything they just kind of sit there?
Guest: So they can some people like the feeling of movement going on inside them so they'll, some of them, they'll have like little balls on the inside so there's like a little rattle sensation that goes with it. And that can be pleasurable to some people, men have a prostate, and if they have a butt plug that hits the prostate, and it can be very pleasurable for a guy for people who love the sensation of being filled. I know women who love TP or love it in the ass when they have a plug in, it gives them that sensation and it's, it's not easy, right, people like being naughty. Alright, we'll get through this.
Leyna: Ok, hold on
I have to do some stretches right now, everyone do them together yeah I'm doing right now you're doing exercises right now?
Guest: Oh yes.
Leyna: Do men have those exercises that they can do?
Guest: My exercise routine is, I'd say 80% shaped on me being good in bed, so I tried to get the muscles that cramp the most, I focus on those.
Leyna: And you're only 34 You sound very experienced for, and I know that you don't think they're you're that young. You're young.
Guest: I appreciate that.
Leyna: And you've got so much experience I mean, were you always okay with being this open about sexuality and this open about exploring new things.
Guest: Let's say my body always was my mind took a while to catch up. I think the way that most of us are raised the level of sexual enthusiasm I have can be off putting when you're inside that body, you're like whoa, why, why does this matter so much, and took me a long time you'd be like, Oh, it didn't matter, just communicate clearly.
Leyna: Does your family know that you do this.
Guest: So one of the reasons I actually do a sex podcast is because I don't have the kind of familial restraints that a lot of people do they have to be hush hush about their lifestyle. I, I won't say fortunately or unfortunately, but by circumstance, all four grandparents both parents have passed away at this point. And I have one immediate family member left my sister, and she is supportive, although even if she weren't I probably would still take the leap, but I feel an obligation to all the awesome people I've met at these parties swingers open non monogamous kinky queer whatever that I want to be a little louder for them, for people have to be quiet. But my girlfriend's family which I hope to marry into someday. They're very Catholic, she's born and raised in the Philippines and they have huge Catholic families so that should be fun.
Leyna: Okay, now I have to ask you this. I didn't know she was a Filipina, yes, this is gonna sound so awful but this show is totally not about being PC Okay. Every guy friend I have who have been married to, or involved with a Filipina say they're like sexually deviant.
Guest: I would, I would venture a guess that that has a lot to do with the Catholic culture because I believe Catholic women in the US, the same kind of thing will you that you have the more of that repression, and I think it just, the more you try to repress the more it comes out. And that would be my guess. Yes she is. She is kink tastic she's slutastic she's amazing. I do wonder how much of that is because of her very religious family.
Leyna: I think you told me off camera that you like this is like serious girlfriend like you, you want to get married and have kids, right
Guest: Oh for sure. Yes.
Leyna: Like, is this just a normal part of life is to be this involved sexually with others, or you know are in that environment, or is there ever a thought that you know when it's time to quote settle down and start a family do you pull back or no?
Guest: I think, due to time constraints, there will probably be a bit of pulling back, but I do not think at all, that the desires will change or the, I don't think, I don't think it'll change beyond the lack of time, able to partake, everything will still be behind a closed door that your kid won't be witnessing it isn't any different than a normal couple that has, you know, traditional sex when they close their door and their kids not there. The only difference is we have different people and 20 more toys.
Leyna: What is some of the wildest things you've, you've done.
Guest: So, I actually wrote some of these downs cuz I knew you'd ask this question.
Leyna: Oh, you've been, you've been listening to the show.
Guest: I have! I Listened to about eight episodes, that's nice. Yeah, I'm a fan.\ So one of my favorite positions I try to get at these parties when I'm there, I call it the J train. That is a position where I'm lying on my back and I have a woman riding my dick. A woman riding my face and a woman seated in between those two, just along for the ride. And as someone who loves women and butts. It is pure heaven to just have six different cheekss that you can just squeeze between and the women are enjoying each other, they don't even have to pay attention to me. Muuuaah so great.
Leyna: So that's your ideal hot that's like ideal position for you.
Guest: That's my favorite position, I, as far as while this, I've gotten. I did, I got a quintuple blowjob at one point.
Leyna: What? Wait, how?
Guest: That was my 33rd birthday, they had tokind of alternate as you'd imagine. Sure, yeah, just for the mechanics of it. Scientists haven't worked on how we can make that happen, but we've got our best men on it, and women. I was I was on a playboy reality show, that was pretty wild. Oh, for one episode yeah with my so my ex who the stripper pole installer. She was an exotic dancer and she was the one that I got into the lifestyle with, and part of our getting into that lifestyle was being flown to Las Vegas to a mansion full of swingers to experience the swing lifestyle and decided it was for us. Spoiler alert, it was,
Leyna: It stuck it stuck .
Guest: It did indeed.
Leyna: Is there anything that you fantasize about that you haven't been able to do yet.
Guest: Yeah, I mean, if you can fantasize it about it, I have one that comes up I think a lot of this comes down to scheduling, I would love to be part of the gang bang I love a reverse gangbang where it's me and a bunch of women, and they physically overpower me where even if I tried to fight back. I couldn’t.
Leyna: They’re gonna smother you, they're gonna smother you.
Guest: Smother man they do whatever they want. Yeah, that'd be amazing.
Leyna: You're so predictable.
Guest: Okay, I could do some less. I've actually, I've never been with a pregnant woman I would love to try that out.
Leyna: Oh really, there's a kink with that too, isn't there.
Gest: If, yes, there’s a kink for everything. When my girlfriend and I eventually get married, we've already talked about her fucking another man on our wedding night. That's pretty Kinky.
Leyna: So then, have you…you said you’re a trisexual so have you been in a situation where there's another guy involved?
Guest: There, there have been a lot of situations where it's me watching my girlfriend with another guy.
Leyna: Right but no interaction between you and the guy.
Leyna: What’s limited.
Guest: So, what was kind of hot. One time it was for people. It was my girlfriend and the guy were the focus but it was a pro dominatrix that was also our friend and partner, she was kind of dominating me while they were playing around and she wanted me to physically grab his dick and stick it inside of my girlfriend's kind of like a power move. That was, that was pretty hot. In general, the male body isn't a thing I go for I’m like…. Okay. That being said, if I'm involved with a woman where that's something she's really into that can rewire my brain, where, oh, I can follow her enthusiasm as a way to like serve her or something like that, I guess.
Leyna: Oh, so then that brings up an interesting, an interesting point. So, if you are the submissive, let's say, okay, and the girl is dominant and the girl wants to see you doing something to another guy you would do that.
Guest: Yes, and there's a few asterix in it and one is that the guy again would have to do the majority of the work because being the more proactive party , I think, again, I'd be more of a pillow Prince in this case. So the guy would have to be really into but also the woman would have to be really into it, because especially I don't know if it's especially the lifestyle but in general, a lot of women are proactively turned off by two men doing things, so we whittled down the options very quickly to who was actually at least neutral on the subject, and then you have to find a guy and a girl so all those Asterix tend to add up but in the, in the hypothetical. Oh yeah.
Leyna: Okay, so this is only hypothetical you've never had a guy do anything to you?
Guest: I have, so this is gonna get vulnerable, we're gonna get very uh…
Leyna: Okay let's do that.
Guest: Yeah, I have wondered when I was younger, if I was a sex addict, because when I would go long periods of time without having sex with women. I would reach out to random men, and I would do stuff with them, even though I didn't like it as it was happening, but it was better than nothing. It was better than nothing, but when I would interact with them. I didn't even like to look at them, I wouldn't look at them I wouldn't touch them, I would just want to be used and then and then I would just move on. And then I would just like, you know, try not to think about it. So that has been the extent of my interactions with men. And now that I'm not in as desperate of situation, let's say because I had dry period right now. But now that I'm not in that position I'm wondering, you know how much of that is based on the upbringing, how much of that is based off of its relation to a potential sex addiction, maybe it's just because of the relation to it that there's this repellents that I have to it. I don't know.
Leyna: Were you sexually active pretty young, did you start young?
Guest: Yes, I would say so, for sure.
Leyna: How old were you?
Guest: When I first orgasm was it 12 But I was definitely getting hard way before that. And I remember playing with my action figures when I was a little kid getting hard when there was again shows on kinky when there was power struggles in the fights like one would throw the number off the cliff then you crawl up and throw him off the cliff and I get aroused by I love the the power dynamics.
Leyna: Very interesting. Okay, so you do this show called sexie show sexy with an IE, yes, interviewing different people, why do you do this, other than it's clear that you love talking about sex, right.
Guest: I want people to, I want to make it more normalized and common for people just as they talk about food, how food is so great and people call themselves foodies, because they love food so much. Let's talk about food, let's make food together. That's why it's sexie, sex, ie foodies got for food, sex for sex, people that are just so enthused about it, it's not attached to necessarily an addiction or perversion, it's just an enthusiasm and happiness. I'm hoping that by getting these conversations into a more public arena that there'll be less judgement overall and people be able to, you know, live as themselves.
Leyna: You can find JJ on his show is called the sexieShow podcast that’s sexie, with an IE. Alright, next time on Consenting Adults two couples, take the risk of going on what's called a hot date. But all's well that ends well.
Guest: They walked into the bar, and I thought, Yes, we're off to a good start, because sometimes you don't quite know what these hot dates that might not be somebody that you've already kind of vetted or spoken with online. So again, it is a little bit of a risk, or it can be a little bit of a risk, but they walked in, they're both attractive and awesome and fit and young and fun. And so that was encouraging all in and of itself.
Leyna: That's next time on Consenting Adults.
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