Ep 28 Masucline Sexual Leadership

Men's coach and author GS Youngblood talks about how to love a strong woman, signs to look for in a failing relationship, what to do to awaken sexual desire in your woman, and his own experiences with BDSM. Host Leyna Nguyen shares what makes her second marriage work and the one habit her husband has that seals the deal.

EP 28 – Masculine Sexual Leadership
Transcription:

0:00
(Sizzle Reel)
Men can have sex in a dark basement, but, you know, the women are gonna probably respond more to rooms picked up in cleaned. If there's some candles in the room if you've got a little music going. You've gotten the temperature right you know you made the bed carefully. So there's, there's that beauty element that is just one small piece but something that a man can do to set the stage is the connection between the two of you strong. And if it feels like you're like, to kind of partners in life rather than two lovers, you know, you might want to do some things to establish a connection to master the ability to generate that safety and they're women or men who not only have good relationships but also feel powerful in their relationships. And that's an art that you can learn when you're with a strong woman, being a strong man doesn't mean that you have to overpower her because if, if you're going to get into like a power struggle with me. Listen to that laugh. Check the last five other guys see how they're doing. Exactly. Whatever it is, is just this feeling of like he would protect me. He's got me. Yeah, and, and I don't know what it is, I don't know if it's he has this habit of Oh, even when he's super busy. He's got this habit of asking me, Can I do anything for you.

(Podcast Show Open)

1:55
Leyna: My guest today is a relationship coach, who works mainly with men, and particularly men who are in relationships with strong women. Let's welcome to the show, GS Youngblood, you've written this wonderful book the masculine in relationship. I cannot wait to hear what you got to say and I'm going to be a tough customer because I'm one of those strong women. So, so let's see what what you got for us. First of all, what's your background. 
Guest: I come from Silicon Valley, I had a long career in Silicon Valley as a tech executive, and over time I found myself getting more interested in people than in technology, and of course in the background. In the middle of that tech career I went through a pretty tough divorce and so that you know the idea of like, How can I be more in my power in relationship was very real for me during that timeframe because I had a relationship that was ending at a time where I did not feel in my own power in that relationship so that's that's really the culmination of where I got to kind of my, my low point in my life, and at that point I've got involved in a lot of men's work and authentic relating work and after about 12 years is out of both learning practicing being in real long term relationship at times.
3:13
Taking everything that I learned and codified it into the lessons that you see in the book and that's that's what produced the masculine in relationship. 
Leyna: So today I'm talking to you on a professional level. However, I love to get personal. So, what is your relationship status now. 
3:30
Guest: Wow, you did get personal fast didn’t you.

I am just going to slow down while I share this, I actually came out of a long term relationship. In January, and I am taking a year to heal, and my plan is to reenter the world at the end of the year. 
Leyna: Do you find yourself or have you found yourself in relationships with women you describe as strong women.
3:56
Guest: Yeah, I seem to gravitate towards that I, you know the last 20 years for me have been mostly two primary relationships long term relationships in both of them were very very strong women. And I learned a lot about that in the first one I crashed and burned. I didn't know how to be with her I was very attracted to her when I met her in business school, I was very attracted to her competence for wit for strength or directionality. And what I discovered is I didn't know how to be with that in partnership, and so that relationship ended. subsequently after some dating I was in another seven year relationship with, with a woman who had a very strong feminine and a strong masculine she she inherited both from one each from her parents. And that was really where I had my laboratory of seeing what worked, what opened her what had me in my power, and more available for her, and what didn't. And over the course of that relationship I honed what it is that you, that you see in the book so I will say that I have, I have a lot of experience with, with strong women. 
Leyna: Okay so you describe, you said, strong masculine strong feminine What are you talking about. 
Guest: So I think you're asking me What do you mean by a strong woman. And what do you mean,
Leyna: But because normally when I think normally when people think of the word masculine, they think they're strong, manly, you know, whatever, right, but just a moment you go, you said that she was both strong, she had a strong masculine and a strong feminine, I think is what you said. What does that mean?
5:30
Guest: yeah. Um, so let's talk about energies first before we assign any genders to them, you know, because that's where a lot of people can get tripped up. So if we're just talking about energies you know the masculine is defined by the way, the masculine energy as manifested in either a man or a woman. women can have this just as well as men can directionality, clarity, goal orientation setting and not setting this but there's a certain stillness, to it.
5:55
And these are all, these are all qualities that are that are masculine energy in either gender. Now, the feminine a little bit harder to find. So you have to please take this definition as if my take on things I think there's a lot of other definitions out there but she had a very strong feminine she was nurturing she was a steward of the connection between the two of us and if the connection was severed. It registered for her as pain in her heart and she would let me know it, and if I was doing things that were not fostering connection between the two of us, she would know it and she wouldn't take any joy and take less than my full attention to our connection my full presence in the moment, my ability to have my own clarity and decisiveness. And so she was a Vanguard for that and reflected back to me when I wasn't in my own masculine energy.

6:47
You know the, she was her laugh her smile she radiated pure feminine energy, which was such a joy for me to be around that. So that's a little bit of the definition what I mean by she had a strong masculine and a strong feminine energy. 
Leyna: I'm, I'm liking this ex girlfriend, GS. She sounds. She sounds like a catch.
7:11
Okay, let's try to dive in here because I'm. When you talk about a strong woman. Even today, right, I think a lot of people, and let's say society as a whole kind of automatically want to describe a strong woman, as a bit. Yeah, some people still view the strong woman as why she shouldn't be that way, but so many of us are like I am, I'm, I'm strong, I'm independent. I'm not afraid to speak my mind and not afraid to ask for things.
7:42
What do you see is a strong woman when you say strong woman. What qualities are you talking about?
Guest: Well, let's first just acknowledge that we're talking in the context of relationship here I think you can have a lot of other contexts around describing, you know, a strong woman or otherwise. So I want to just make our context around relationship I think that's where my area of expertise is, and it's, you know, if I'm, if I'm not fully present in the moment when we're spending time together. This is an example. So if I'm not fully present I'm, you know, we're trying to have alone time. And I'm on my phone or I'm thinking about something else and I'm not tuned into her I'm not noticing what's up for her. That is me really just regarding the connection in her in her what I what I think of as her feminine leadership is to be the vanguard for our connection, she's not going to put up with that shit. To put it bluntly, you know, she's going to call me out and say, I don't feel your full presence, you know, if I'm not keeping my word and saying that and doing things that I say I'm going to do, she's going to call me out and not settle for less. I mean someone who might just take that behavior, and accept it. And over the years it's going to build resentment in them. A woman that's who's strong when it's not gonna stand for that, you know, this is just again, one example, but she's gonna hold firm to that and know that that's what she needs a relationship she needs for men to be present she needs her man to follow through on his word, and she's not going to sell for less so that's one small piece of what I'm trying to describe her. Does that make sense. 
Leyna: It absolutely does to me that that word is demanding. I've always described myself as being a very demanding person. So whether it's professionally or, you know, with my kids is that I expect a lot, but I give a lot, and then I expected in return. I expected the same effort, right, the same.
9:34
So, but so many people would be hear oh you're a demanding person. It sounds negative. 
Guest: Well this is, I think there's a really interesting distinction that we can make here.
9:45
Oh, this, this, you know, let's just take this archetype of a woman that I'm talking about who's who's demanding her man's presence and reliability. When we say demanding let's let's take a cut deeper there's two ways to do that to sue as she can have a harsh tone saying you need to do this. This is unacceptable and telling the man what he needs to do. That's one way to do it that's, that's going to be closer to that side I think use the word the bitch, or complaining. The other way to do that is for her to express how painful it is. When her man is not present, and how painful it is when she feels like she can't rely on Him and give a clean expression of the pain in her heart. But not, you know, that's not mean soft, it's, it's in no uncertain terms she's expressing that. That's a very different way, for, for someone to be in relationship where they're not telling you what to do and shaming and blaming, because that's more on the toxic side of things, showing your heart and saying that hurts when you're not present when you're not fully present I feel alone. I feel like I don't matter to you know like, that could be the narrative. So there's, there are ways to be 100% clear and rock solid and what you need, as a person, I mean I think we're talking about women here but this goes for both sides.
11:03
And there's a way to do it with blaming shaming demanding telling somebody what to do, versus saying, This is what I need and I feel pain when I don't have that.

11:12
Leyna: And just as important than once you're able to voice those issues and concerns, is how the other person responds to it right?
Guest: Yes, 
Leyna: Which I say, might even be more important because sometimes when we're hurting we don't always express it the way we should.
Guest: Exactly, it's never gonna be perfect. This is what I coach men, one of my favorite quotes in the book is hear the pain not to blame. Because of course, her expression will, you know sometimes or often come across with a little blaming and shaming, you need to, as a man need to be big enough. Energetically, to, to tolerate that some of the more toxic elements into it and hear how she's hurting because clearly my experiences when when women I've been around that I know experiences that when they're at their edgiest I'll say, it's often means they're hurting the most and if you're with a woman and you're in love with her and you want to protect her and want the best for her. You're going to be able to see past that and see that she's hurting, and it's going to be less defensiveness and more like, Oh my baby is hurting, what's going on for her. And so it's empathy, This is all things I go through in the book, you know, it's, empathy, and its attunement to her. And what's really going on for her and this is what I'm trying to coach men on, and it's the big one because defensiveness is really the number one killer of connection that adds stress to my own life.
Leyna: Yeah, oh yeah, I had come to the point of my life when starting a new relationships and it would be fun talk but I pretty much tell them, Listen. Look, when we have a fight.
12:45
I don't want to hear all these excuses like the first thing that works for me is to hear that you're sorry you did something even inadvertently that hurt my feelings. And then you can explain yourself. But the one mistake that I hear so many men make is you start defending yourself and giving all these excuses, and then an hour later. Well I'm sorry, and then an hour later, it doesn't mean anything to me. 
Guest: Yeah, exactly. You're already shut down by then because you don't feel received, I'm imagining.
Leyna: GS, at that point, I'm just pissed off that I had to work that long for an apology. Guest: Yeah, you an so many women. Yeah it’s so true. Let me bounce something off you. What I heard you say was I want to hear the sorry, here's my experience, is there's different kinds of sorry there's the throwaway sorry, that some men throw out there. 
Leyna: Oh, and we know those when we hear them, too.
13:40
Guest: Yeah, you're gonna see right through that my experience and this is what I'm bouncing off of you know, we you want to first feel that he feels you like he gets where you're hurting. 
Leyna: Yes.
Guest: And then from that place, it's whether it's sorry or some other more connective type approach, but you got to you got to feel like he gets you first and it's not just, Oh, I'm sorry.
Leyna: Right. I want to hear acknowledgement that you see, you see the pain that don't dismiss it by trying to explain it away. 
Guest: Yeah, don't try to talk me out of a way I shouldn't feel. Don't blame it on me and don't shut down and just withdraw, those are all 
Leyna: Right, right, right. 
Guest: Yeah, that’s exactly it.
Leyna: How about what I saw in your book that jumped out at me, whether it's in, you know, romantic relationships or any relationship is how you react to people so when you hear that something's wrong, it's reacting versus responding, you've got this great portion in your book about that. Can you talk about that. 
Guest: Yeah, I'll give it a larger context so the book is organized into three sections as you know, it's a three part blueprint is what I call it, it's a blueprint for a masculine core it's the three elements that I think if men embody these three elements, then they're going to be more in their masculine energy in their life and so the first one is what you pointed out, respond versus react and so this is the quality of a man who moment. First of all, he's got a quality of groundedness stillness, that you can feel like especially the feminine, you know you can feel it immediately, sometimes you can feel it from across the room without even being in conversation with him. And this is a quality that a man can have, they can be born with this just they've got a really settled nervous system and they managed to avoid a lot of childhood wounding, but even if you're like the rest of us who didn't avoid that, you can develop that through the embodiment practices that I share in the book, but it's also characterized by demand from moment to moment he lives out of choice so he's not just reacting, sort of, unconsciously to the stimuli of life, whether it be a challenge at work, a challenge from another man, or being challenged by his own woman. He's choosing how he wants to react, from moment to moment so a man who's defensive is being reactive like he's just on autopilot he's gone. Because here's the chain of events. Woman gets his woman gets mad. He doesn't want to, you know anxiety starts to arise that he's been judged as not good enough, in some way. Anxiety arises at all costs, he's going to try to make that anxiety stop and to do that easier later withdraw, defend explain or blame. Those are things that will make it his mind will make the anxiety in his own body, stop. And that's why, you know, respond versus react is so important you got to develop that capacity to really respond out of choices intention, rather than just unconsciously. 
Leyna: I've been a strong woman all my life I don't know another way to be. And you know you hear the things about opposites attract, and I've been in a lot of relationships where I'm the stronger person I'm the more like the, you know, the stronger willed person, you know, you would say that I wore the pants, although I hated that because actually, to me that's, that's not attractive. Yes, like strong women don't want weak men. 
Guest: Yeah, It's so true.
Leyna: I want a strong man.
Guest: Yes, yes, which makes it hard for people like you, because you need somebody that has more. Not will but has more clarity more structure than us so that you can, you can probably relax back when you're with this person, I'm guessing, right, and they're hard they're hard to find. 
17:27
Leyna: Well, it feels like, you know, when when people don't challenge you or don't. Oh I don't know, like, I've heard a lot of girlfriends, describe ex boyfriends as, Oh, he didn't have a backbone and I hated that. Yeah, and that's part of the thing where you just, Like, I needed a man to say no. I needed a man to stand up for himself stand up against me, and I wanted structure, and I always used to think it was kind of pop psychology, you know, saying that you're attracted to your dad, that you know the type your dad is. And then But then as I grew older, I'm starting to think, you know, maybe that's actually true because my dad military background very strong, you know, but I always ended up with men who were so kind and sweet. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, but I lost interest fast. 
Guest: Yes. 
Leyna: Can you be a strong man, and still make it work with a strong woman. 18:25
Guest: Absolutely, and that's the whole thesis of the book, which is. We live in a modern world let's not pretend it's the 1950s What's the model of masculinity that works in today's world with strong women. And it's not about cow telling to your woman. And it's not about giving her what she wants. It's a model of masculinity No, it's about being fully in your own power, and being able to honor her, and I think the crux of it is, I think we have to go into the psychology here of of this, this dynamic you're talking about, you know a man just with a strong woman, she's got so many. She's got her own view of what she needs what she wants, or preferences needs, wants, and boundaries are like she has a good sense of herself. And so men, we just want things to be smooth. And so we, you know, unfortunately subconsciously we're searching for the path of least resistance and so with a strong woman that man actually tends to start to progress over time, because he's thinking well okay she's got this strong opinion on how things should be if I'll just give it to her. We'll have peace, it'll be great.
19:25
And that's it my experience of talking to women is they say that's creative first which is what you just said. Because yeah you're like this man is so easy to be with, and then reality starts to set in you're like wait a minute. Where are you, like I don't know how to orient around you because you don't seem to have clear, you know, wants, needs, preferences and boundaries and so as you said, it starts to to get unattractive to the point where it starts to go to contempt and complete loss of attraction, you know, in relationship, and that's really, really dangerous situation to be in it's almost your recoverable. If it goes on too long, because most men just think this is a lost cause. I can't even I can't even be with this woman she's, you know she she holds on so tightly and they, and then demand just goes into full blame the woman's in contempt and shut down, and then you know you haven't, you have a relationship that ends that point whether it ends in fact or in spirit, that's where that's where it typically leads.

20:24
Leyna: This episode is going to be so much more different from every other episode that you find on the show. So I'm going to have to try to kind of steer us in this direction for one moment for the listeners who expect to hear something about sexuality, and you actually do talk about this thing you called sexual leadership in your book, what is that.

20:48
Guest: Yeah, there are so many men that I've been there to who they're complaining that they're not having enough sex in their relationship, and they've gone into this mode of waiting for her to magically show up aroused, You know, on any given day or night, and they wait and they wait and they complain, and they get shut down and they feel rejected like for men. I think more so than women, although I think there's a different flavor for the women. But when you don't want to have sex with us, we feel rejected like you're not attracted to us anymore. And here's what I coach men. I say look, you can actually lead her to her own sexual openness, you can lead her to her pleasure you can lead her to her arousal.

21:31
You just have to know how you have to create the conditions that really open up her sexuality and so in the in the chapter on sexual leadership, I go through seven conditions that are really necessary for for a heart open, I mean, excuse me for sexual opening. And let me give you the just a few of the basics of those, you know, the easiest one is you've got to set up the environment, you know, to, if you've got laundry laying all over the bedroom in the bedroom is a mess. You know, you sort of both just collapse into bed after work and there's nothing special there like, okay, she may or may not feel sexual but she's not going to be necessarily lit up by her surroundings and my experience is that the feminine is more attuned to the beauty of the surroundings than men. Men, you know men can have sex and a dark basement, but, you know, the women are gonna probably respond more to some, if the rooms picked up and cleaned. If there's some candles in the room if you've got a little music going. You've gotten the temperature right you know you made the bed carefully, so there's, there's that beauty element that is just, it's one small piece but something that a man can do to set the stage to set the right environment so now that's just one more. I'll say tailwind to her sexual openness.

22:47
Another is to really establish our connection with her and what I mean by that is if you have, if you've sort of been kind of doing your own projects and you haven't really been feeling connected, more often than not, she's not going to be feeling sexually open because heart connection I think it's one of the number one things women need to feel, in order to feel sexual, in most cases that doesn't that's not an absolute and so men you know think is, is the connection between the two of you strong. And if it feels like you're, you're like, to kind of partners in life rather than two lovers, you know, you might want to do some things to establish some connection you know you might want to sit down and have a session of deep sharing about some things you might want to go back and maybe clean up a little argument that you kind of let blow over yesterday or the day before, and try to clean that up and clear it out because that's going to open up the heart connection between the two of you, so maybe I could go on forever about the things that establish heart connection but that's I'm just giving you two examples out of that list of things that the man can do that are completely non sexual, to, to create the conditions where her sexuality can now arise and there's you know five others on that list to the book and then. And then there's a whole section on someone's sexual techniques so much, but some different things you can do to really bring her into her body bring her into her heart warm her up slowly, and that's one of the things that men really don't understand how to do, it's how to warm their woman up and warm them up slowly. And so I go through all of that in the book. And that's test sexual leadership that's used the man saying okay I'm not gonna I'm gonna quit waiting, and I'm gonna create a condition where her sexuality is more likely to arise.
Leyna: I don't know how much you have listened to or looked into alternative sexual lifestyles like swinging and polyamory Do you know much about that at all. 
Guest: Yeah, I've trained in BDSM.
24:46
I'm familiar with. I mean, yeah I've trained in BDSM so 
Leyna: What do you mean you've traded BDSM 
Guest: Um I've, I've done workshops here in the San Francisco area, and, and have incorporated that into my own practices with people I date. You know when it's appropriate.
25:05
So, yeah, I would say I'm reasonably well versed.
Leyna: Oh, okay. I'm wondering if you have any thoughts on, as people get a little bit older, you know, so women especially I think they've become a little bit more comfortable with themselves, right, they kind of more comfortable in their skin, and they kind of care less about what other people think and then they start to realize, Hey, I've like taken care of people all my life, and it's time for me. Yes, and then they start voicing stuff more, right, and, like so. Maybe the woman who used to be okay with the husband not paying so much attention to her or whatever kind of starts coming about out of her shell and expressing that unhappiness more.
25:52
I mean, that obviously makes sense to you right that that that would be the progression. Yes.
25:58
So many people end up then divorcing when they're in their 40s because of that problem where the woman's just not going to take it anymore. Do you think it's salvageable. When you're in a relationship and suddenly I mean, there has to be some signs of like relationship is in trouble, right, what are some of these signs that we can look for before it gets to the point where you're like, okay this isn't gonna work.
Guest: Chronic, irritability, criticism, chronic criticism, chronic lack of sexuality and feeling sexual, you know, those are some of the easiest ones you know and then it gets into that contempt stage and then if you've read any of the John Gottman work you know he talks a lot about contempt is one of the number one indicators. And so you know I can generally spot it from across the room when I see a couple and how they're interacting, I mean unless, really. Yeah, I mean you can just feel it in the way that they look at each other. And the way that they speak to one another, even if you're not hearing the words you can often sense it. And it's tragic actually this is one of the things that drives me, I don't want to see anybody in that situation, I don't want to see that make the mistakes that I made years ago, and it is recoverable which was one of the questions you asked is absolutely recoverable. And, I mean, it's not a one size fits all, but I can say that it fits a lot, a lot of situations where the man needs to come into his masculine core, he needs to be more grounded, he needs to be setting direction through his own clarity is decisiveness his own understanding of what he wants, that's part two of the blueprint, and he needs to know how to make her feel safe emotionally safe physically safe. And these are the things that you know, a lack of safeties which shuts down when usually was quickly and also is the thing that chronically becomes chronic and kills in relationships. So a man who knows how to create emotional and physical safety this woman. These are all things that you know after when you hit your 40s, your late 40s And the woman is just so tired of this depolarize relationship.
27:57
This is the kind of thing that can bring breathes new life into a relationship and I'm gonna give you one example, stop talking because I know one of my clients is his wife kingdom, you know they're in their 40s, his wife came to him and said, You've got two choices.
28:13
We can either get divorced, or I'm going to take on a new lover, you have 30 days to decide.
And that's the state in which he came to me. Wow. Yeah. And two months later, she retracted the request based on the work that we did together and in the new way of being that he was bringing to the relationship, which was not only, not only in there in the daily life, but it was also a lot in the sexual arena, like she just felt a nice guy energy throughout their term marriage. And so I worked with him on his what I call his dark energy, and he started to bring more of that into the bedroom, and lo and behold, she retracted her request, and wow, they're still working through it, it's not like everything was just peaches. After that, but she did retract the request which gave him a chance to get back in there. And change in the relationship, and it was beautiful. I was loved seeing that.
Leyna: You know, you were just talking about making your woman feel safe, and it really resonates with me because when you're a strong woman does just a person but especially when you're a strong woman, and people see that you got your stuff together and you're taking care of your body and you've, you know on the outside, you're strong.
29:27
No one asks if you're okay. No one asks if you need any help, and I'm now on my second marriage, and it is so incredibly, it's amazing. Like I feel like a teenager when we're together, people like, oh my god, the way he looks at you and I guess sometimes I don't see it, but other people see it. Yeah, but what what's really awesome is that I feel like everything's gonna be okay, and I know that I don't know maybe that sounds corny but I'm really like nothing's happened he hasn't had to rescue me from anything. Yeah, but whatever it is, it's just this feeling of like who would protect me.
Guest: He's got me. 
Leyna: Yeah, and, and I don't know what it is, I don't know if it's, he has this habit of Oh, even when he's super busy. He's got this habit of asking me, Can I do anything for you. Yeah. And the first time, he asked me, I was like whoa, cuz this is weird. Um, and it has never become like, Oh, just a throwaway line. Yeah, I feel like he means it. Like as busy as he is I feel like if I said, Yeah, could you do this, he would actually stop everything down and do it for me. And whatever that is, is just, you know it's it's just words right now. But I believe him. Yeah, and that just creates this really, um, I don't care how strong of a woman you are. I think everyone needs to feel like their partner would be able to take care of them. And I'm not talking financially, I'm just saying, I need a man who's going to be able to take care of me. 
Guest: If when and if you need it. Yeah, absolutely, is a good starting, you know, on the, on the topic of emotional safety one of the things that makes the feminine feel unsafe is when she feels dropped by her man and by drop that means generally he, he sort of forgets about you in the moment he gets so engrossed in his own life and you drop off his radar at least in your mind, and the act of your husband, checking in with you and say, you know, hey, is there anything I can do for you. I'm imagining that you don't feel you don't feel forgotten by him, you always feel like he's got a little bit of his radar on you and he's tracking you in light, you know, not not in not surveilling you if somebody's been in life, he's just tracking you and you're he's tracking your emotional state like oh you had a fight with your sister and like how you doing today, because I know last night.
31:52
That's the kind of thing that I think you're describing, it's like you always know that you're in his radar, and he would then completely shift that radar to you when needed, you know, he wouldn't he wouldn't quote unquote drop you. That's what you just described a perfectly Leyna that’s emotional safety. 
Leyna: Oh, it's, it's, it's amazing.
Guest: And let me say one more thing about it, sorry to interrupt you. Yeah, men who master the ability to generate that safety in their woman or men who not only have good relationships but also feel powerful in their relationships. And that's an art that you can learn. Leyna: Right. And, and you know what it, like it affects the children, so like my kids from a first marriage. Absolutely love him, because he has this, I care for you and I'll take care of you, kind of way about him. Yeah, but yet he's very easy going, it is such a weird, weird dynamic because, like everyone who knows me knows I'm very independent, and very strong. And he seems like the greatest nicest guy, but there's just something about him where he doesn't give in to me doesn't always say yes, and as stupid as it sounds like there were two adults in this relationship. Finally, that's how I feel.
Guest: You know, the thing is that there's a common misconception that being masculine is kind of like being an alpha. And that's not it. I can tell you that's not it. That's, that's the toxic form of it. Right. That's the part where they overemphasize on my second element which is provide structure because they, they're kind of domineering everybody else but they're forgetting about the safety part. And I think your, your husband falls into this cat not that category but into a category of, he is he's strong, but he's in his heart and so he's a carry man but he also has a fiber to him that where he's not a pushover, but he's also not needing to try to be alpha to show you that, you know he's strong. That's very different today and one of the most counterintuitive things about the work I do with my clients is the amount of hard work we do, given that we're talking about masculinity, but this is how you can be powerful but loving this is how you become larger than life as I told one of my ex marine totally alphadog clients I was like, this is the path that's going to get make you, larger than life in your woman’s eyes. And yeah, so that's, that's what we're working on for him. 
Leyna: That's awesome what you were just talking about right now it was what I was thinking in my head and trying to figure out a way to ask about that or talk about that and that is when you're with a strong woman, being a strong man doesn't mean that you have to overpower her because if, If you're gonna get into like a power struggle with me…
Guest: Listen to that laugh.

34:38
Leyna: Check the last five other guys see how they're doing.
Guest: Exactly. I think licking their wounds.

34:44
Leyna: I think it actually takes a stronger person, not to have to win the argument, right, it takes a stronger person, to not be the louder person not not be the bigger as in, you know, pumping your chest kind of person.

35:01
And there's a real balance and it's, I mean it can be tricky. I don't. I can see why there's a need for a book and for coaching because men and women think and operate differently. And it takes a third person to tell you what you need to do, or what your woman needs because sometimes when your woman tells you, you don't hear it, you don't believe it and you don't know what to do.

35:30
Alright GS Youngblood, thanks so much for joining us. The book is called  “The Masculine in Relationship.”  For right now, he's a single man we may have to check up on your at the end of the year, just to see now how you're doing on that front.

35:46
Thanks for talking you're awesome. 
Guest: Yeah, that was fun. Thank you.

35:50
Leyna: That was a lot of fun GS Youngblood talking about masculine sexual leadership. I almost feel like I gotta pay him for a therapy session now. Okay, next time on Consenting Adults they call themselves the Accidental Swingers, and there's good reason for that. 
Guest: And I texted Tristan and I said, Holy shit, they're Swingers, and I just agreed to everything and I will know what it is. I don't know what we're doing, I don't know what I've agreed to, but guess what, because it's like three weeks we now have to figure this out. 
Leyna: That's next time on consenting adults.