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Rae was in a 12-year marriage where sex was forced and religion had a hold on her happiness, but she's broken those chains. She remarried a man who wants to share her with others, making her what's known in the lifestyle as a "hotwife" or a shared wife, where she has sex with other men and it turns her husband on. However, right now...it's a one-way street.
EP 23 – The Hot Wife
Leyna: Welcome back to the show everyone thank you so much for joining us. I know there's a lot of craziness going on out there so I really appreciate you tuning into the show, and listening to something that while it might be a little controversial but definitely not as dividing, as everything else that's going on. I do want to tell you that today's episode might be a little difficult to listen to at least the very first part of it. We're talking to a woman who was terrible. For 12 years she was with a man who forced sex upon her. I mean, awful, but there's light at the end of the tunnel, her story is amazing. She pretty much went from zero to 60 in two seconds she got out of that marriage got into another marriage, where she is now not only a hot wife, but doing things, she never thought she'd do.
Let me try to think of the best way to put this, a lot of anal play a lot of mouth anal play. I've never, this is something that you didn't even I didn't even know it existed. I didn't know people did this and when I first heard about it, I'm like, there is no way. And then I tried it and I was like okay, that's actually kind of fun. Get ready. This is Consenting Adults.
(Podcast Show Open)
Leyna: My guest today is a 42 year old accountant, from the East Coast. And I think she was in a situation, a lot of women find themselves in. And in her words. She was in a terrible marriage where sex was forced and not fun, but apparently she's been able to turn this all around. That's the good news, Rae, welcome to the show I'm so glad you're here and, and you're willing to share your story with us because I think a lot of women do find themselves in a marriage where sex isn't fun. Right. How long were you married. I was married for 12 years and was it ever good or did it kind of start with, can you kind of explain or describe the relationship that you had.
Guest: It actually started off kind of him forcing himself on me from the very beginning, not as aggressive as you know I'm describing but very much just, this is what we're going to do you're going to do what I say. This is how it's going to be and then religion kind of got brought into it, especially after we were married. God says you're to give me your body, and if you don't, then you know you're sinning against God, so it was just it was just terrible from the beginning.
Leyna: So then, did you grow up very religious, yes, people listening might ask, if it started out that way, why did you marry him or did you, did you just feel that this was normal.
Guest: I think part of me did but like it was normal. That's a question that I went through counseling, trying, you know I blamed myself oh I never should have done this but it was just, it was the right pattern to follow, you know, you go to high school, you get your college degree, and you get married and you start your life, everything was just wrong about it.
Leyna: So, you were married 12 years. During any part of that marriage was the sex ever good for you.
Guest: No, no it really wasn't it was, it felt so forced the entire time that I just never enjoyed it.
Leyna: So you felt it was like your duty as a wife.
Guest: Exactly, exactly. I mean, are you saying, Did you ever have an orgasm. I did. I guess I just kind of learned how to be in tune with my body to make that happen, but I just knew if I did, then it would be over quicker.
Leyna: Okay so you stayed in this marriage for 12 years. Right, what led to the divorce, how did you get out of this marriage.
Guest: There was a video camera that got set up, and I was being secretly filmed, and at that point it just opened my eyes, I'm like, What, uh, what am I doing, I didn't feel safe in my house anymore and
Leyna: You mean your husband was your husband was filming sex with you. And what was he doing with the video,
Guest: he would, in between our sex sessions, he would watch that to masturbate to, and he felt like that was a better option than watching porn, because porn apparently is a sin, and this wasn't a sin.
Leyna: I see. So you got out of this marriage. Did it take a while before you trusted men again.
Guest: It did. And there's times even now, even though I feel very safe in my home. If I let those thoughts get to me I'll look around for a video camera, but once I started dating my now husband. That's really when my eyes opened up, and I thought, oh my gosh, what, what was I doing like this, this is real life this is what love is supposed to be like this is what a real relationship is like.
Leyna: I bet you looked back and and wish that you would have left sooner.
Guest: Right, absolutely.
Leyna: Okay so then tell me about the new husband, let's get to the good stuff because I hear you're a very, very happy wife right now.
Guest: That's for sure. I definitely am. He's just wonderful and supportive. So enjoy sex now, can you just gave me so much confidence or was able I was able to find my confidence in the way that he treats me and the way that he looks at me and the things that he'll say to me and it's, it's just a world of difference.
Leyna: Let's describe your setup right now what is the arrangement that you guys have, because it really has gone beyond great sex with the new husband Right.
Guest: Absolutely. I'm known as I guess in the lifestyle as a hot wife or a shared wife, which means that I can have sex with whoever I want. I'm in control of that. It's not exactly an open relationship. It's just, I'm the one that's allowed to do it. It's done, it's not nothing's done in secret, it's done very openly, and it actually turns him on.
Leyna: So it's not, it's not a two way street, he can't have sex with other people.
Leyna: it's just you,
Guest: it's just me.
Leyna: How did that come about,I mean,
Guest: yeah, it was actually his fantasy, the full set Fantasy was that I would go to a bar, a guy was hit on me, get a hotel room and have sex with him and I come back and telling. And, you know, in the beginning that was, that was a bit much, that was like, Wait a minute. I'm not sure I could do that. And there was, I had a girlfriend that I was talking to, and I ended up using that as like my first experience I kind of was open about it and he's like oh okay, I get that so we became kind of friends with benefits, and I would have sex with this guy and then I would come back and tell my husband about it and it was just this fantasy and this turn on. Wow, that he loved it and their sex life became even better. I'm able to have sex with whoever I want.
Leyna: All couples have fantasies, right. Yeah, how did it escalate from then having a fantasy from you, you know, having a thing with this guy friend of yours to it becoming. Is this like a regular part of your sex life then.
Guest: Yes it is, obviously, over the last few months, it is not correct,
Leyna: But so hold on a second. Let's rewind for one second. How long were you guys together before you knew he had this fantasy.
Guest: We, over a year, actually, or maybe it was close to a year. We were just talking and he mentioned this fantasy and at first, I'm like, Okay, I was like, That's interesting, and we talked about it for several months.
Leyna: So several months before you actually acted on it.
Guest: Yes, I'm going to go like six months later, an opportunity came up and we took it.
Leyna: Tell me about this opportunity, was he at home were you out. Can you tell me what happened?
Guest: He was actually out of town, and set it up, and I was open with a guy about what was going on and he was like yeah I'm all into this so we set it up. There were no kids at home I said, Well, come over, and this is what we're gonna do. So we just we played it up, he walks through the door and we just start kissing and making out and went straight up to the bedroom and had fun.
Leyna: Between the first husband, and the second husband, did you have sex with other men.
Leyna: So then now you've got the first husband, the second husband where sex is so much better and then you've got this, this new guy now, is he then the next person you have sex with.
Leyna: Okay. How was that
Guest: it was a lot of fun, and I guess that's why I got so into this lifestyle, but maybe because we were friends. First, I was very comfortable around him, he, he just made fun. He was just great. He knew what to do he knew how to treat me knew. He knew what he was doing, so it was great.
Leyna: You have sex with this other guy but then tell me about the part where the husband gets something out of it.
Guest: There, there's, you'd have to almost research that but it's like his love porn star. And so when he came back into town, I got all dressed up for him and told him in detail exactly what had happened, you know, as we're in bed and we're kind of making out, and it's just mind blowing what he gets out of it.
Leyna: Okay, so
he really enjoyed listening to the details of what you said with this other man.
Leyna: Now, had he been involved in the lifestyle before you
Guest: to a point, yeah, there have been some experiences, but it. What we do now is so much deeper into the lifestyle than what he had before.
Leyna: And why is it that it's only a one-way street, does he just not or is it something that you don't want you don't want him to be with anyone else.
Guest: Right now I don't, I'm not sure if I could handle that we've had some, some experiences where he's played like we have actually went to a swingers club, and he did receive oral sex from a couple of women and I was fine with that in that situation. I do have kind of a fantasy about maybe doing a full swap with someone someday, but to just let him have free rein. At this point, I'm not there,
Leyna: But he is with you, and it sounds like you feel very empowered by that
Guest: there is some that I you know I hadn't thought about that until you said it but yeah I guess I do have control of who I want to be with, and I know how to turn him on.
Leyna: And that's so different from your marriage of 12 years.
Guest: Yeah, you're yes, you're absolutely correct.
Leyna: After this first experience. Was there a discussion I mean so after you and your husband got together and you had had mind blowing sex, was there a discussion about continuing with it and how you're going to continue with it.
I mean how do you how do you find the men.
Guest: There was a time most of the time they're somewhat acquaintances that we'll meet there have been occasions where we've used Tinder. But that's, you know, you really gotta, there's some swinging websites out there that you can use to kind of find the single guys to hook up with, but for the most part it's just some acquaintances.
Leyna: From what I'm hearing, single guys there's no shortage of single guys in the lifestyle right.
Guest: That's true.
Leyna: I mean, really, you can have your pick of who you want, but it's not just anyone. Do you have to be attracted to them in some way, it's not like you're looking for a boyfriend or even someone to date but you still want to be at least somewhat physically attracted to them. So you want some chemistry there,
Guest: a little bit, yeah.
Leyna: Now, does your husband have any say in who you choose.
Guest: Oh absolutely, I mean it's, you know it's both of us saying, this is okay. If you know, he would immediately say I don't like this situation then I'm out,
Leyna: but I'm talking about when you're, you know, when you're looking for someone so let's say you're on a website and you're looking for someone does your husband play any part in that search.
Guest: Yeah, absolutely. He has taken a hold of the one time, actually we were out of town in Vegas. So we hit Tinder, and he was on the app just as much as I was. He gets a thrill out of that too.
Leyna: How long have you guys been married now,
Guest: five years.
Leyna: So you've done this for quite some time now, how often do you actually have sex with other men like you know throw COVID out the window.
Guest: Well, right...it maybe once a month, on average, it's really, it just kind of depends. You know we don't have a lot of opportunities where we can go out, but And does this always happen at your home. No, not always. We've been to hotels before. I've went to a guy's house before, and there is a swingers club about three hours away and we've been there twice.
Leyna: Do you have, okay so you know who you are at work, and how you are as a wife and a mom. Do you guys have children.
Guest: Yes, we don't have any together, We just have the ones from my previous marriage.
Leyna: Okay. And how old are they?
Guest: about teenagers.
Leyna: Okay, Like when I listened to your story, it sounds like you've got like, not two personalities, but really two lives you know where you're the wife and the mother and the accountant, and then you're this hot wife that I mean how open are you with what you guys do,
Guest: We are not. No, I mean we are small town USA bible belt. This is very private. The couple of the kind of acquaintances that have had sex with, they know about it but, obviously, they know about it but our closest friends. As far as I know they don't know, I know how rumors get started so it's very possible they've heard some things but we're very private about it. The kids have no idea if you met me on the street, do you would have no idea. It is, it's very you hit that, it's two lives it's two different lives.
Leyna: When you choose the men that you're going to hook up with. Do you try to meet people who are not from your immediate area. I mean how do you keep something like this which is so I mean it's so scandalous right how do you keep that from, from being out in the open, how do you keep your secret.
Guest: In the beginning, it was never anyone local and it, you know I just absolutely, that was our rules, it would be some we try to meet people from out of town. By going to like some of the local bars. There's a bar at some of the hotels downtown, and we would go there and try to meet people out of town, and it's usually pretty obvious if you go to those places you go there on a week night, and there's a guy there alone, more than likely he's in town on business, and the longer you get into it. I guess the more open you become about it and also you don't care as much you still want to keep it quiet, and you don't want and you never want it coming back on the kids and people talking about, oh my gosh, look what your mom does, but you also realize that everyone's an adult. And so we've been a little more open and we've branched out to maybe not like, you know, not our closest friends but they're very respective of our situation and are happy to oblige and be a part of it and
Leyna: so I assume you you live in a small town.
Leyna: How big is the lifestyle community.
Guest: Very few it's actually very small here. Since COVID is hit one of my stress relievers, is to walk. A walk a lot and I've started listening to a lot of swinging podcasts and I hear these swingers talk about their community and how big it is in these house parties and I'm like, You guys are so lucky, like you have been notified. Like this is sometimes so hard because it's just completely different. It's very quiet if they're out there, it's very quiet.
Leyna: Well, maybe they're all just at home enjoying, you know, naughty things the and the privacy of their own bedroom.
Leyna: Right, got to do something to keep the sexy alive. Do you is this something that you see yourself doing for the rest of your life now I mean is this part of who you are now.
Guest: I think it is to a point, I mean we've talked about situations that would cause us to end it, you know that basically becomes, if we were ever in a situation where advocating harm somebody became aggressive, that would be it would be over, you know, health reasons, but for the most part we're just very excited about it, we're always open to it, I guess that's been their slogan ever since, always be open.
Leyna: Before meeting your now husband and knowing about his fantasy. Did you know what a hot wife was Did you know that this kind of no lifestyle existed.
Guest: You know, I think everybody has heard of swingers and you've heard of those key parties, from what the 70s and 80s, right. But no, nothing like this. Didn't even know that type of fantasy existed. And you probably wouldn't have seen yourself as one of those people, Right, oh no, I never could have imagined it but you know you look back on your life. And I guess I always was kind of interested in sex you know I look back before my marriage and I always enjoyed it then. And of course once you hit your 40s you're from and I think my sex drive is in overdrive.
Leyna: Now that now yeah now that you're, you're 42
Guest: Right, right.
Leyna: So you think you want it more now and you're enjoying it more now,
Guest: I hit 40 Exactly,
Leyna: that's awesome. That's amazing. Is there anything that you do sexually, So like sexual acts that you do now that that you didn't in your marriage, or you wouldn't have been comfortable and didn't want or didn't think about in your 12 year marriage.
Guest: Absolutely. There's probably nothing that's completely off the table right now I'm just open to anything, there's a lot of stuff that I had never heard of that I like, like what one would be, let me try to think of the best way to put this, a lot of anal play a lot of mouth to anal play. I've never, this is something that you didn't even know it existed. I did not know people did this and when I first heard about it, I'm like, there is no way. And then I tried it and I was like okay, that's actually kind of fun. And I've enjoyed that.
Let's do this more.
Leyna: when you were married the first time. What was your sex life, like I mean, aside from the feeling like it was forced and not really enjoying it.
Guest: It was basically, it was every Sunday evening, and who every Sunday evening, yes it was every so I'm not joking, it was every Sunday evening, it was, and that's it. Pretty much yeah wow and I knew it was coming, and it was always in one position, and that was doggy, and that was it.
Leyna: Wow, well and I mean, okay, I'm surprised you ever orgasm during that time then because it doesn't sound like it wasn't about pleasing you.
Guest: I would have to go into my head and just kind of create a different space, and I could do it.
Leyna: So you really had to fantasize. Yeah. Do all of the men, you meet and sleep with, know that you're a hot wife, or because it sounds like the situation. I mean it doesn't. These aren't relationships that you have, you're just having sex with men and then you're coming home and telling your husband. Husband about it. It doesn't even sound like they necessarily need to know that.
Guest: I guess every situation is a little bit different. It depends on who I'm meeting. There have been times like when we were out of town that he watched who's actually watched we have sex before. Oh, and that's thrilling, big time you know in that that point you can really become almost like a porn star you're putting on this show for him and I'm putting on the show that for the guy that I'm with. And that's, that's amazing too but I'm pretty open about it. I let people know what's going on and if they're interested, awesome if they're not. Okay, there'll be somebody else down the road.
Leyna: Can you tell me about the first time where your husband was actually there. Do you remember.
guesy: Let me think. I don't guess I remember the back one,
Leyna: because I'm wondering if, like, did you just take it to it naturally or were you,
IGuest: think I kind of intake to it naturally I think I just knew what was coming and I was like I want to try this. And I just came out of my shell,
Leyna: and so did your husband just watch.
Guest: Yeah, most of the time yeah he's, he's just watched, but there's been a couple of times that he has came up and I've given him a blowjob.
Leyna: So he became involved. Yeah. Is it just other men have you ever been with other women. Does your husband have that fantasy,
Guest: he doesn't. I have played with other women when we went to the club before. It's not something that I'm interested in but there, There's a huge community out there for that. And I think that's why when you go to these clubs you're, it's easy to find another couple to play with and kind of be the third in in their relationship and then he watches.
Leyna: Have you told close friends about that dude like Do you have a close friends that you were able to confide in.
Guest: No, and it's sometimes hard because you really do want to share, you do it just like with girlfriends, and in, you know, typical relationships you kind of enjoy talking to your girlfriend's about that sort of thing but this one. This one's hard because you just don't want that judgment you don't know how far it could go. And so we're just in phase between us.
Leyna: Before you were talking about a lot about religion so you know you grew up in, you grew up in a religious family and you know you had, whatever, views you had about sex and marriage. What you're doing now is completely not right completely not part of your religious upbringing. Right. Do you have any problems with that have you left your religion, can you talk about how you deal with that?
Guest: I have pretty much. I've left the church,
absolutely have left the church. Well, that goes back to, once went through with a divorce without kind of ostracized. It wasn't. It was very much frowned upon. So I did leave the church, but the one thing that I've learned since this is Jesus still loves us, God still loves us, He still sent his Son to die for us, no matter what we do here on Earth, so that it doesn't bother me as far as the religion goes, I mean.
Leyna: So you've been enable yeah so you've been able to get rid of the guilt, and you realize that what you're doing isn't harming anybody, And you're enjoying life. Right, right. Exactly. What would you say to. I'm sure the many, many women out there who are in unhappy marriages where they're not being fulfilled.
Guest: Life is too short to be unhappy. It's way too short. You have to find your competence. You have to realize that you can do it on your own. I think that's where a lot of a lot of women are so scared to be on their own, but they have no idea how much power they have, how much competence they can they can do anything.
Leyna: When you first got divorced, was it kind of scary. I mean, being married 12 years is a long time. It was scary, it was I mean did you feel lonely, did you feel vulnerable.
Guest: Yeah, I mean there were times I did feel very lonely and vulnerable, especially financially. I'm not going to be able to do this on my own financially, and it took a while but I did it. And if I could do that I truly believe anyone
Leyna: That's Rae, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. We wish you the best as you move along and discover even more new things about you and your husband. Alright, next time on Consenting Adults two people, both on their second marriage end up at a lifestyle party, and their first experience is so out of this world. They're never going back.
Guest: I was naked in a hot tub with five other women who were also naked. So that was our very first experience together. It was like in heaven.
Leyna: That's next time on Consenting Adults.
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