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Taara and James started their relationship as non-monogamous but found that others in the lifestyle didn't want to play with them because they were young and weren't in a committed relationship. So they became committed and found freedom in it. They also explain why they've decided to be open about their swinging lifestyle to friends and family; making their secret life, not so secret anymore.
EP 22 – Sex Uninterrupted
Leyna: Happy New Year, everyone, welcome to 2021 so glad that you're here with us. Let your friends and family know about Consenting Adults podcast. Who knows what 2021 is going to bring us right so if anyone wants a break from all the gloom and doom and all the uncertainties out there. This is a great program to listen to. It's kind of a subject matter that puts a smile on everyone's faces, unless you're one of those judgmental people who like get really pissed off that people are talking about sex and doing things that you would never do. Alright, don't know what your New Year's resolutions are I kind of don't have any I've taken 2022 make a lot of changes, of course, we've had a lot of time to ourselves a lot of time at home, so I don't really have a lot of new year's resolutions, if yours is to, perhaps, explore new things in your sex life, or if you're a couple in the lifestyle, and one of your goals is to become more open about it, kind of let people in on your secret. Today's guest explain how and why they did that, even though it started from something that was awful. They had friends in the lifestyle, who were killed in an accident and they didn't want the surprise factor to come out about their secret life,
We needed to explain the reasons why we were choosing to be in this lifestyle like no one was being forced to do anything or anything like that you know what I mean. Yeah,
right. So you didn't want them to be, for instance, shop to something happened to you, and then they find out about the secret life and then of course people are going to have questions you'd rather be able to answer them. Exactly. Get ready. This is Consenting Adults.
(Podcast Show Open)
Leyna: My guest today are James and Taara, they've been together for seven years. And unlike most of the people I've talked to, for the show, they started the relationship as a non monogamous relationship, and they're also younger than most. And the reason why I'm really interested in this conversation is I'm wondering if there's some kind of this like you know sexual revolution where people are starting these kinds of lifestyles and being very open about it a lot younger than, than what we think is happening. So James and Taara are both 33 years old. Can you explain to me how it is that you start a relationship, non monogamous Li. Non monogamous.
Guest: We were friends with benefits to start with. Actually, we met each other through work through work, we work together, we had both had some experiences but also before we actually got together, that we're technically non monogamous, in a sense, like we both
Leyna: Okay, well, wait a second, what is technically non monogamous, in a sense,
Guest: We didn't know that there was like a community dedicated to this and this was something that people like talk to about one another, it was more things that we either did in secret, or participated in and didn't quite understand what was happening. Yeah, thanks James has some good example.
Well, like when I was younger, like, I would just start off how I got into like sort of non-monogamy and swinging and that sort of sense was like I was like 19 and I went to Craigslist, so I was searched through there, which was, you know, probably not the safest thing but and then I ended up finding a category of men, women for men and so I just decided, why not. So that was my sort of role was technically a stud, but I didn't know, again, we didn't know what that meant. I didn't know what that meant, I didn't know what I was actually doing what was technically there was like a set of community there was like a bunch of people that are just like, well not just like me but kinda like me, you know. Yeah.
Leyna: Now, can you tell me, what were you are you bisexual Did you were you curious why is it that you were looking, or that you found interest in other couples looking for single men.
Guest: I'm not bisexual I call myself hetero flexible. Meaning, you know, especially when you're to like male, female, male, like the threesome, there's could be some cross things so I'm comfortable with most things, but it was just that I was actually just looking to have sex, I like sex I thought sex was great and so this was my introduction into all this whole world, And then I went back to some monogamous relationships for a while. Then I through those relationships I figured out that I needed to talk more about wanting to have sex and that sort of thing and the different ideas that I had had. And then, Taara. I met her through work, and we just started talking openly as friends, which was great, how we started out because it was like, hey, so we're going to talk openly as friends we took me like we used to party together and drink and she was dating somebody. And then, her relationship ended, which was kind of non monogamous Right, yeah, it's kind of my first introduction to non Monogamy was with him.
Leyna: Well with him it was it did explain the relationship you had. So you both were sleeping with each other and knowingly sleeping with other people.
Guest: Yeah, pretty much like I would go on other dates, or tell him about other guys that I was having sex with and things that I did like I had threesome with two other guys and I remember calling you the next day because I didn't make him to work and you really, why didn't you make it into work so tell you because I couldn't lie to you.
Well, why didn't you make it in the word Chara. Well I was, I was in bed with two guys so hotel room and everything.
Leyna: Where where is the line drawn between being young and you know having lots of different sex partners, versus a non-monogamous relationship.
Guest: Well, yeah like I, we started to realize once we started looking into the community and maybe getting up on websites that were more dedicated to non-monogamous relationships. People were really interested in meeting us being friends with benefits, because we hadn't established a strong foundation in our, in our relationship. And so I think you kind of had a little bit of a revelation you realized, this is kind of what I want in a relationship is what I want in a woman. And so, after, after some time we decided to take the step further in being in a committed relationship to each other, and dial back the sleeping with other people, and leave that just for when we're together.
Leyna: So now you only play with other people together.
Guest: Yeah well we know only ever really have, there's been a very slow far little select few people that we have been comfortable with that we can play apart. So we've done mostly everything in seven years, all together. Yeah.
Leyna: Okay, so, I mean you guys were pretty young when you met and you're still young, by the way. But when you met, you were just two young people who really weren't committed to anybody, right. Yeah. And then you found yourself wanting to commit to each other but also wanting to kind of explore sex with other people. Yeah, yeah. And then, okay so that's how you're defining the start of a non-monogamous relationship,
Guest: right, the start, technically started with, like, also experience with other relationships and being, and my thing was like, I want him to just be honest and stopped like, you know, lying to myself and potentially lying to other people about what I liked what I disliked and those sorts of things. And so when I met her I was like, I wanted this breath of fresh air, even with maybe I'm in a friendship. And so it came down to me wanting to just be brutally honest and I think that's what kind of started out was us talking openly about sex for sex with other people. And since we didn't have that fear of losing each other because we were just friends. That's where that connection really drew in more was like authenticity yeah and the authenticity of being like, I can be myself with somebody that like, and I can be this comfortable around somebody of the opposite gender, and still be able to like, you know, share the things that we had, because let's be honest the sex in the beginnings, raised like. What do you mean crazy, although it was just good like we had, so we were having so much sex and we were getting in tune with each other and being honest about what we liked and what we disliked and it was this dive deep into what we liked and fantasize about really early on in our relationship because we didn't have that fear again of losing somebody,
Leyna: what kind of things did you reveal to each other, that you were into that is so you know out there that you might have lost a partner over it, can you tell me about some of those things.
Guest: Well, I think a big thing for me would be being a bisexual woman. There's lots of times where I would act on that with past boyfriends and that was like a huge deal breaker to them. And also getting the opportunity to dress up like slutty and go to a sex club, even if we're not there to play with somebody else, I, I kind of like being able to dress up in that way that I can't do every single day, and also going to resorts like hedonism or desire. Again, we don't have to play but it's just really nice to be in an open environment, and not a lot of people are comfortable with that takes, takes a while to get comfortable with that with your body with your relationship. And Jake, or James was like, probably the first boyfriend I ever had that was okay with,
and James, what about you, what kind of stuff were you into that may be a serious girlfriend might not have accepted the fact
that, like I had had a lot of threesomes, since I was 19, and with, like, potentially two women, two men, and I would have probably lost girlfriends if I expressed to them like hey I'm okay with you, potentially having sex, but I also went through a phase where I became super jealous because I like you know, just different relationships and the way that it kind of turned out so it was also me wanting to shed way some of that jealousy, because that would technically ruin relationships too so it was a bunch of a bunch of combinations of between sexy, because I'm a very sexual person, and kind of kinky person not as necessarily kinky isn't like the whole like BDSM sort of stuff but more just like I like different ways of having sex and definitely laces and orgies and all these different types of things that probably wouldn't have gone over so well.
Leyna: Yeah. So you've been together seven years. You're not married, right.
Guest: No, we're in actually engaged to be married.
Leyna: Oh you are, I guess it's because I'm not in that kind of a relationship is hard for me to understand. If you are together, and you're okay having sex with other people. What's the marriage thing about I mean what can you kind of help. Could you help me understand.
Guest: A lot of people ask that question and actually our plan was to get married at hedonism during young swingers week in July. And because of COVID we had to postpone that plan until to be determined date, so it wasn't really a traditional marriage we were looking to have a traditional wedding yeah like we like I'm not even going to change my last name or anything like we're definitely like we don't have a wedding party or anything, we just wanted to have a really, like, a party almost for our community for ourselves a celebration of our love, and also have an anniversary because we don't really have any sort of anniversary, or yearly celebration so maybe this is gonna be it but
I think we have to wait, we celebrate all the major swinger holidays so.
Leyna: Oh wait, oh there's swinger holidays I didn't know this.
Guest: Technically Halloween. New Year's is a big one. New Year's. Back to School is obviously a good one. Oh my God, I need to get this dress. Oh, yeah. Dressed like naughty school girls. That's about it. I'd say those are the two big ones, Halloween and Halloween New Year's Eve, yeah.
Leyna: Halloween is it because there's a lot of dress up going on.
Guest: Yeah I think so. And there's also less family obligations I think too,
Leyna: so you just send the kids out to go trick or treating and then all the parents get together and party. Yeah. How open are you guys with with your lifestyle with your friends and family.
Guest: Oh, why don't, yeah, it all kind of stumbled into this like this whole thing of wanting to be honest and it's kind of a sad story. The reason why we did come out, but it was that there. Tell me about it. There are some people that were in our community that we had known that come to some of our events and stuff like that, and they had passed away in a motorcycle accident and the thought process of having to describe their life and how they lived it potentially coming through their phones or like the findings on their computers or stuff like that kinda was a big shock to us and if somebody had to find out about our life that way without us being able to tell them why we were in it. Yeah, I see was kind of very hard for us to kind of take so it was that sort of moment where we decided, Okay, well we should probably tell our close people that are around us, like, Hey, this is the kind of life that we've chose these are the things that we're doing and that I, you know, I want you to be able to support me and be there for me if we ever needed but it was one of those things that we just kind of felt like we needed to explain the reasons why we were choosing to be in this lifestyle like no one was being forced to do anything or anything like that you know what I mean.
Leyna: Yeah, right. So you didn't want them to be, for instance, shocked because something happened to you, and then they find out about the secret life and then of course people are gonna have questions you'd rather be able to answer them. Exactly. And, yeah.
Guest: And since. And since most people in the lifestyle are swingers do most things together, you've kind of, we kind of figured like if we were going to go out like we would probably end up going out to like a big car accident. You just do everything together so it's like you know a trip or whatever, something. So see,
and how did those conversations go so let's talk about like the people who really matter like your family.
My mom is like me my mom's real about, I think I was like 10 or 11. My dad passed away when I was 18. So it's, it was just different for me because it was more of this, I had this connection with my mother for so long and we've gone through so much just together so it was like, and Taara had told her parents before I told her mom because I was just worried at some points because of some conversations that we had had you're nervous, I was nervous and nervous is all. So it was interesting because it was like okay, I want to tell you something and I don't really know how to tell you like it was just kind of like this, you didn't want to lie I didn't want to lie anymore. It just, it was a great conversation. She had then started asking questions about some of the new friends that we've been making it kind of flowed okay. She just didn't want to hear about the journey hear about the sexualized part of it, she's wanting to hear about like our podcasts and like what like potentially who we had on and what we talked about. Nothing like overly over sexualized it's just not the type of person that she was so she was pretty well and she is your mom. Yeah, exactly.
Leyna: And Taara How about when you told your family.
Guest: Um, I, my parents are together, they've been together for a long time like 25 years or more, but I decided to tell them separately, just so that they could have their, their own way of reacting and asking questions with me. Yeah, processing it. And my mom was like, not surprised. I think she knew that I've always had an interest in sexuality and women's sexuality and discussing that with, with people with my friends and my dad was a little bit more of provided he was more like well this is what ends relationships in divorce and this is what all the young kids are doing and I'm like, we're probably like one of the younger ones so it's more like it's more people your age. Exactly. And they just, they didn't really ask too much about it, I don't think that they were interested in it. It didn't really change anything, didn't I didn't have people find me online and be like, Why are we new part of the reason we also decided to be more open about our lifestyle was we didn't want the blackmail, that sometimes people experienced in the lifestyle. Tell me about that. I mean, I'm gonna when I hear you say that it makes sense. Yeah, like I've had a few people already emailed me with some concerns about being on dating sites, and then somebody's finding their profile and telling their family, their jobs, stuff like that. There's some organizations that help people deal with like the slander and the privacy of it and everything but it's a, it can be a big thing for some families especially when you grew up religious and you're with a church and stuff.
Leyna: Have you ever heard of anyone who was outed and suffered some real consequences from it.
Guest: Oh yeah, a lot of jobs sound from the family yeah like these people reach out to us and are just devastated about what has happened, and unfortunately there's just not a lot of, not everybody agrees with this lifestyle and they feel like they have to teach people a lesson, and this is how they choose to do it. That's awful. Yeah, breaks my heart.
Leyna: Where are you guys from because I'm hearing, like a Canadian about.
Guest: Yeah, we're from Calgary oh god, oh okay well you know I grew up in Minnesota, you know, oh there you go. Leyna: Okay, so let's let's let's get to the fun stuff. So you met each other, you're you know young people lots of partners and you found each other. Now you're committed, and you mostly play with other couples, right,
Guest: we didn't make the mistake. No, we did.
Leyna: Oh, wait, wait, wait, I want to hear about the mistake I want to hear
Guest: It's about having sex with our friends. What do you mean by respect for some of our like friends from like long ago, something, some single women and some, some of my friends and not to say that was like the mistake but it's like, kind of makes for awkward like you know if you're hanging out with roommates and it's like,
Leyna: so you guys went back and had sex with people from like your past.
Guest: No, no past, like, just like, like your roommates and like people like your, your vanilla friends. Yeah, yeah, it didn't really happen to teenagers, and it just didn't work out. No it didn't. Just like the first year that we were
Yeah, it's like early mistakes we make some made a few and then when we, we were on Craigslist too which was obviously not the biggest winner, and the best place to be, people that were like you.
Leyna: What other mistakes that you make this is good information for people who, you know, might venture this way,
Guest: other mistakes and just not communicating rules and boundaries. Yes, that's a big one. Do you guys have rules, because it sounds like it's pretty open, it's open, but we definitely have rules and boundaries that we keep that keeps our relationship safe and keeps keeps us safe every time we go out and as rules and boundaries go like when we started out like one of our there's those boundaries which are kind of like situational which is like you must check in before a situation in a rule is like hard known, it does not get crossed. And we talked about. We talked about this a lot when it comes to non-monogamy about setting these up for your relationship because technically what I like to say is protecting home, right, because our relationship is home that's like, you know you'd always try to protect your home and what you have there is it's, that's the special part of what we're sharing right we're sharing our relationship. So we want to make sure we're setting up appropriate boundaries for both of us to make sure that you know this doesn't get jeopardized because of wanting to do something outside of the relationship.
So for example, one of like our major rules I would say is, if we're at a party or a club or even a resort. If one of us wants to go play with another person, usually that's not something that either of us is comfortable with, but depending on the situation, that's okay, but we still want each other to check in with one another and make sure that we're on the same page, and that we're feeling comfortable with what's happening and with whom as well.
Leyna: But so that's not that's not just checking in our is the rule to get the other person's permission.
Guest: Yeah, and get the consent, definitely, yeah, just to know that the other persons involved right like so it's not just one person making decisions and forcing it upon somebody else.
Right and also like for us consent is a huge part of the lifestyle and something that we've learned enormously in the last seven years. I would even if I wanted to go play with another man, I would probably, I know I would go ask his wife if she was comfortable with that. Oh. Uh huh. And just check in with her and make sure that that's okay with both of them. And that is something that
everybody's you know, everybody's consenting right yeah so that nobody is like out of place and then there's something that might not be okay, this is the time to voice your concerns at this moment, and we kind of learn that one of our first like big house parties that we went to, and it was like a guy who was flogging. Some girls, and he had got he would ask consent from the man and the woman that was receiving the flogging. And then he would get his partner to go and ask the other male if it's okay and her if it's okay, like it was just like a full consenting thing, and it was just, it's kind of great to see people that are like, if you have a problem this is your time to end. No hard feelings right like that's that's one of the things that we loved about the lifestyles like a no one and no as a no but it's not like it's personal, like it's not a personal No it's like I'm not in the mood or it's not working for me this is not what I like or, you know, stuff like that right.
Leyna: Any other rules because that that sounds like a pretty, I mean, it that's really actually sounds like it should be a real for everybody.
Guest: Well, I think the thing is is like rules and boundaries are going to continue to change throughout your entire relationship in non-monogamy one of our early boundaries will kind of rules was like No kissing on the mouth. That was too intimate. Right, but we're willing to smash our genitals together but not our lips.
So like after talking about it and how difficult it was for each of us to uphold that rule to each other out of respect for like, well obviously this isn't working out for us, like, maybe it's time to change this and you can kiss, other people on the lips. Yeah.
And then another one of our early boundaries was no chatting with partly so somebody that we knew that was in the lifestyle, there was no chatting with the opposite sex and a private message. Yeah. So what that did that actually led to trouble a few times and we've seen other couples get into trouble with that
as well. And so what had happened was then we started doing more group texts and then the group texts became so great because everybody is again involved everybody has all the information, if there's any information in there, It's all there. It's just constant communication and also being really truthful with your partner about certain feelings or triggers that come up, and not making that person feel badly for expressing how they're feeling as well
Leyna: Through all the years that you guys have been doing this now. Do you still ever find yourself getting jealous ever.
Guest: Yeah, I think that really well. I mean, I'm not always going to be in the same headspace, right, I could be on my period for goodness sakes, and he is having all this fun with all these chicks and I'm not feeling very sexy or feeling like I want to engage in someone. Yeah, I'm probably going to have some more jealous feelings during that time. Right,
totally. And, but that's the thing we, we love to say is that jealousy is like an emotion right like, and it's also understanding where that emotion comes from. We looked at jealousy early on in our relationship and said okay, like when we do get jealous, we do have to voice our concerns our opinions in those moments because that, like, say hey I'm feeling jealous, just by you. But you have to recognize that it is jealousy. Right, so I think a lot of times I was like, oh it's just envious envious of the position that you're in or the you know the, you're between two guys or however it worked out. It's like I'm not envious I want to be there, it's like I would like to table's turned in that sense, so maybe I would get jealous and just that aspect of the attention that she was getting, it's not necessarily a bad emotion when you start to understand more and more where it comes from.
Leyna: You guys are younger than most of the people I've talked to, and yet, it sounds like you're so much more experienced that you've gone through, you've made your mistakes you've found your way. In fact, that's why you are doing the podcast that you're doing, where can people find you guys.
Guest: The best place is just our website, it's sexuninterrupted.com
Leyna: You've made your mistakes you've learned your lessons, you're like developing good habits I would say right for the lifestyle, so much so that you're helping other couples navigate this.
Guest: Yeah, like when we first started out in the lifestyle, it was really difficult to find a lot of information, and there was only a few podcasts out there and a lot of them weren't geared towards the millennials, and so we had a lot of trouble, just identifying with what people were saying. And so as we learn stuff, I kept saying to James like I think I need to write this out I think when we go to hedo for the first time I'm going to write it from my point of view. And so I blogged about it all, and we got pretty good response people loved the details that I included because it was a little sexy, and then James had the idea to start a show and just talk about things that were happening in our lives and also like tips and ways that we navigated those things that would come up,and it's just been fun, and now it's even more interesting trying to navigate this with the whole COVID pandemic, but
Leyna: yeah, how are people navigating this I mean it looks like it's here to stay for at least for quite some time and I know some people in the lifestyle are getting a little antsy, how are people dealing with it.
Guest: I think you have a mix of basically what's going on in society you have some people who really don't care and are living their life pretty much the same. Some people who are, you know, taking more of the safety precautions. And then, like there's people like us who I have really severe asthma so we have basically put a stop on most lifestyle sexual activities and going to events and stuff until there's just some more. What is it called,
well there's just less cases immunity and yeah. If that's the case and it's just,
Leyna. when you talk about going to events though What are you talking about,
Guesy: well we this, there's still like clubs are still opened, and people are still doing meet and greets. And we used to host a monthly one in our city, but we've just decided it just wasn't safe enough to be doing that for us right now.
So, and we used to go to a lot of events in the States. Yeah, we went, we've been to naughty in new orleans in New Orleans, as well as there was going to be an event in Miami. And
Leyna: hey, well, what would you say are the biggest cities the in the States for this kind of activity, like the fun, you know, the known cities for swingers,
Guest: they're all They're all over throw, and there's, there's all these different groups, and that was the one thing that we started realizing in, like, finding the community and finding all these people was going to these big events and finding all these groups from all over the United States from all different places and they all have like these little like hotel takeovers and there's little things that just kind of exists within every, all over.
Leyna: Thanks for talking today it's really refreshing to hear, to people who are as young as you two who seem to have such command of this lifestyle which can be kind of tricky. You know there are people in their 40s and 50s, only now starting to discover what you guys have already discovered. Any last words you guys have for people who are maybe kind of just thinking about dipping their toes into this,
Guest: my last word of advice is just to take things slowly and just really enjoy every step of the journey that you have with your partner because you have so much time and you don't have to experience everything the first day the first week the first event. The first year so take your time, really enjoy it and be present with your partner when you're, when you're exploring these things together because these are memories are going to be making for the rest of your life and you want to be able to have them close to your heart for a long time.
Leyna: Nice. Are you guys kissing now. Are you guys kissing now, Yeah. Oh those young and crazy people. You can find this lovely couple on Twitter at sex, uninterrupted that sex without the E. @SXuninterrupted and because they're so open, you'll find a lot of pictures of them with faces and everything so you can see that they're actually normal looking people. Alright, next time on Consenting Adults, a woman who was in a long marriage alone, miserable, marriage where sex was forced and often painful finds her way out, gets remarried, and then discovers the lifestyle. She is now what's known as a hot wife, but it's only a one way street.
Guest: We became kind of friends with benefits, and I would have sex with this guy and then I would come back and tell my husband about it and it was just this fantasy and this turn on that he
loved it and our sex life became even better able to have sex with whoever I want.
Leyna: That's next time on Consenting Adults.
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