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After swinging with his wife and another couple, Russell comes out as gay. He has since embraced his sexuality and become a masturbation coach to teach men how to use their sexual energy to heal their bodies. Join Leyna and Russell as they chat about his lifestyle, how he began his spiritual journey through his sexuality, and how tantric massage came into his life.
EP 12 – Sexual Energy Coaching
Leyna: Welcome to Episode 12 Everyone. Want to give a shout out to JK, TX couple, so J K Texas couple from somewhere in Texas who pulled a hamstring trying to recreate a picture that we posted on Twitter. Also, a big congratulations going out to Black Tito and Terina lifestyle who got married last week, yay so congratulations they're an interracial swinging couple who we interviewed. Their episode will be coming soon on consenting adults so join us on Twitter at consenting adults. Okay, speaking of Twitter. Our next guest, created an account on Twitter, and really came out of his shell. He is now a masturbation coach who really knows how to work.
Guest: So I identified that I'm somewhat of an exhibitionist, as well as a voice ear. I found some sites where I could upload pictures of myself like, you know, with an erection and stuff like sexy pictures like that and I kind of liked getting attention
like that. Get ready. This is consenting adults.
(Podcast Show Open)
Leyna: My guest today is Russell from out there in Palm Springs, California where it is hot, and also very warm during the summer months. Russell has dated women for most of his life from his teens, up until he was 38, which was just two years ago, Two years ago, Russell came out as gay. He is currently working as a masturbation coach. Yeah, there's a lot to talk about with Russell. Russell also tells me that he feels like he's in an amazing place physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And he credits all this to his tantric work. What is that Russell?
Guest: Well thank you, Leyna. That's a great question. So, well I think what it means to a lot of Westerners, it has a sexual connotation. I think originally tantrum, meant that all paths lead to the divine. And so it didn't disclude sexuality and sexual activities sexual feelings. Once I realized that I experienced my divinity my experience of what that is my spirituality, and my sexuality and that that's actually, that's actually a thing. I just put myself into that world and I've just been exploring it and just finding peace after peace, that's just leading me down this path, and it's very, very beautiful and very fun.
Leyna: So you're and you're much happier now?
Guest: I’m so much happier now.
Leyna: Let's go back to and really not that long ago, because two years ago, you were a straight man.
Leyna: Right. Two years ago, your friends knew you as a straight man?
Guest: I think that they thought they probably most of my friends probably felt that I was, I would probably say that I felt more bisexual because I have, I've had attractions to men since puberty
Leyna: Did you ever explore it?
Guest: not really. So I had very minimal, sort of like young experience, sort of between the age of like 12 and 18 Maybe, but I, I liked it, but it was, for some reason, like I felt like it was wrong, and I don't know why because my parents were very open and accepting the school that I went to was very open about homosexuality and you know, it's okay to be gay and I just never wanted to be gay so I kind of pushed it away, the sexual identities are tricky so identify, I identify as gay, primarily because I have no desire to have sex with women at this point in my life
Leyna: But you used to
Guest: I used to and so I had I you know I had I had crushes on girls, every time I had a crush on a girl I was like, I was like, Yeah, I'm not gay, like, you know, maybe I'm bi but I definitely I'm attracted to him and so that's okay, right, and I had very loving relationships with women, I wasn't I didn't have a secret gay life on the side.
Leyna: At what point in your life do you feel like you started to accept who you really were?
Guest: Maybe around like 35, or somewhere in my early 30s I was, I was dating a lovely woman we had a we had ended up having a 10 year relationship, and I started to have these like feelings about men, and so I was like,
Leyna: Can you explain that to me because, you know, people say that all the time. The, what the feelings are. Yeah, it's like so, like, do you find yourself looking at other men when you're out finding them attractive, or…
Guest: At first, at was, if I felt somebody was an attractive man. Like, I worked in retail, so it's an attractive man came into the store, I would kind of feel like, like,
Guest: Like butterflies yeah excitement but like I sort of, I didn't feel in control of myself I'd get like a hot face and like my hands would be clammy, right and. And I noticed that around gay people to growing up and throughout my life like I never really felt comfortable around them. I just want to say that like being gay and being attracted to men is like the once I accepted that was the greatest thing ever.
Leyna: You are like living your authentic self right now.
Guest: Yes. Oh, so much, and more and more every day, and the more that I uncover and the more that I dive into this authenticity and share that with other people and put myself out there. I've just had the just this life changing experience of just everything opening up and opportunities and, and I'm an artist, I'm a musician and a painter and a photographer and a filmmaker, and once I accepted myself, all those things kind of like a sort of like Tantra kind of all wove together and sort of like
Leyna: everything started flowing again yeah made up again.
Guest: Exactly, exactly. But to go back to my feelings real quick that you asked. I've a little bit, I think, a typical for man that I don't, I don't really watch a lot of pornography, like, I don't think there's anything wrong with porn, and I definitely have and I do watch it and I have watched it. However, I'm not like a big porn watcher so I'm also not like a big, like fantasy in my head type person so when I would masturbate I wasn't really like thinking about anything. I was just like kind of like,
Leyna: so it's just a physical thing, you're just focusing on the physical feelings of it,
Guest: Right, just my own body and just, that's just kind of how I, I am, how I was wired and so, so I identify that I'm somewhat of an exhibitionist, as well as a four year. So, I found some sites where I could upload pictures of myself like, you know, with an erection and stuff like sexy pictures like that and I kind of liked getting attention like that, and that sort of led to wanting to do this camming thing with men, you know like a webcam thing where we're both masturbating. At first it was so so awkward. Like, I would like to do it but if the man tried to talk to me like I would feel really weird, like awkward and like uncomfortable and I would never show my face or anything like that that's how, that's how I came to it. You know I had a conversation with my, with my ex and I told her that I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual and a result of that was our, our relationship didn't really fit anymore, which actually was like a really good thing. She's a beautiful person and we're, we're pretty much best friends, but it was clear that I, it was time for me to move on and go on my own way. I just had a beautiful year and a half relationship with a man, that was my first relationship with a man, and we ended the relationship mutually because I still I felt that I wasn't, I wasn't in the right place to really like honor him and honor the relationship. There was a lot of struggles that were like internal, and so …
Leyna: do you mean that you weren't ready to commit to just him?
Guest: Well I suppose in a way, yes, he was polyamorous so that wasn't, that wasn't a deal breaker, but it was, it was more that my soul, hurt, you know, inside of me was telling me not to be in a relationship at all. It wasn't just that I wanted to see other people or experiment with other people, because right now so I, I am on a self imposed break from relationships, primarily because I was a serial monogamist originally with women. And so I dated women, however many five or six with really no breaks in between. So I never took any time for myself and then having repressed my sexuality, having an all come out, and then getting into this really this relationship with a man who was, it was very beautiful in so many ways and, And very bittersweet because it was very sad to me that I had to sort of like step away from that, I felt it was honestly it's very sad I could cry right now but it's it's actually it's very beautiful and
Leyna: you feel it's the right thing to do right now?
Guest: 100% I know that this Yeah.
Leyna: At what point did you kind of just lose the attraction for women.
Guest: There's a part of it that I don't really understand like I don't understand why I did what I did and all that stuff. I can accept that everything that happened in the past, contributed to my life to what it is now so it's all lessons and all that stuff so I actually got involved with another woman. I was out to her that I was bisexual and she was okay with that. And so I thought hey this is a great opportunity, you know, maybe we can be with guys together. I can still explore myself but it feels a little safe because I think I was still in that like, I want to be in a relationship mode because that made me feel safe, but unfortunately, it really didn't progress me further.
Leyna: Did you guys ever try that. Did you do your girlfriend and then another guy did you try those things?
Guest: Well, it was, it was more of kind of a disaster than that, but we ended up getting married
Leyna: You and the girl?
Guest: Yeah, me and the girl we got married. That was the idea that we were going to be with guys and stuff like that but then in the reality between her and myself, we couldn't make it work, There was a lot of jealousies and controlling kind of feelings and a lot of emotions, and
Leyna: Well, wait a second. Did you guys kind of dip your toes into it before you got married. Did you try know in a threesome?
Guest: We met in a threesome, oh we met in a, we met in a foursome.
Leyna: OH. So nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
Guest: Exactly. So it was a kind of an intense, really, really fun and new experience, and I kind of just went off of that and I kind of went off the deep end and honestly we didn't really have a lot more experiences like that. We tried a couple times, and it was often with with bad results.
Leyna: What made them such bad experiences because on a purely sexual level It sounds like you've got the best of both worlds?
Guest: Yeah well that's what I thought. So that was kind of the idealized hope and that's what I was thinking, and then I think that we just, we just weren't really on the same page, so like we'd be going along with something that I thought was okay, and then I find out later that she was really upset by something and I didn't understand why because I thought that we were, you know, on the same page about something, it was mostly like we tried to set some stuff up, and they didn't really work out so I felt like there was like a breakdown in communication, there was, and so and honestly that has more to do with our relationship. I didn't realize at the time but I really wasn't being honest with myself about who I am and what I really wanted. And I was attempting to get to where I wanted by saying like, Oh we're hanging out with this couple and we talked about. We talked about having sex with them together, but not swinging that likewise flopping because I honestly I wasn't interested in the other woman at all. I was interested in the man, and my, my ex wife knew that, but then when it came down to it, it was like, it ended up causing like a lot like a big lot of rifts and and to be honest, our relationship got rather toxic and so I realized after a while it wasn't I wasn't going to be satisfied by even if we had successful relationships having sex with other couples or you know, bringing a man into our sex life, that wasn't going to be enough for me. And I realized that and, again, it was another very sad tragic thing because this, this was a very beautiful person, you know, a very sensitive soul that my ex wife and, you know, again, I had, I feel that I hurt her through my own inauthenticity because I had to eventually say, I don't want to be married to you anymore. I want to be gay and go explore with men. And so that's what happened and again we're at this point we're now, we're still friends but, you know, it's, it's relationships can be --- ending them can be rough, even if it's even if it's the right decision for everyone.
Leyna: Sure. So, fast forward to where you are today. You are happy, both emotionally, spiritually, sexually, although COVID-19 has kind of put the kibosh on most for for single people right? But what is this thing Russell about being a masturbation coach, I mean, what?!
Guest: Well I'll tell ya, I'll tell you. Okay, so, so yeah you mentioned COVID-19. Somehow my need to sort of like, isolate myself and kind of do this deep self work and take a break from connecting with other people, sort of like lined up perfectly with this very chaotic and unknown situation that we're all experiencing that's affecting everyone right now in different ways but I actually, I took a tantric massage class in the beginning of March. COVID had just started, I went into the training I had my, my job in Vegas waiting for me, when I came out of the training, my job was gone and it hasn't come back yet. So the timing lined up in a very weird way, so I was like well I'm gonna, I guess I'm gonna move into this new realm, I mean I'm gonna be a tantric massage masure, which is basically like full body massage but it's geared towards gay men, it doesn't have to. You don't have to be gay but as one of my clients, you'd have to, or a guest, you'd have to be comfortable being nude, and I'm also nude in this in this scenario, there is general touching and stuff and the idea is to generate sexual energy in the body and then spread it throughout the body, for like a healing effect because relaxing and integrating all that those energies is very healing and it's, it's meant to integrate the mind body spirit. However, because of COVID, I no longer and planning to do that.
Leyna: Why not?
Guest: because I, it's just not, it doesn't feel responsible. At this time, to be connecting with people at all and I hear of still, I hear of massage therapists wearing masks, Honestly, I don't feel comfortable with that for me.
Leyna: So just, just for the health and safety concerns right now, the physics of it you just don't feel it's comfortable, it's the right time to do it.
Guest: Yes, and it also lines up with with this deeper need within myself that I didn't realize. So, I'll tell you about the masturbation coaching, basically because I wasn't able to start building my massage practice, I kind of double down with what I was doing. I started this Twitter profile in the beginning of the year and at the time towards the end of January. I started posting masturbation videos on there, and at the same time, I learned about a man named Bruce P Grether, he wrote a book called The Secret of the Golden Phallus. It's about our legacy as men to tap into the power of our penis through masturbation through something that he calls, mindful masturbation, that he discovered in 1995 There's something that he teaches called phallic Brotherhood, which is an extension of mindful masturbation and mindful masturbation, actually in its mystical, you know, sacredness, is actually a form of sex magic.
Leyna: Okay, wait a second before you continue. Mike from episode one found something on Adam and eve.com that is supposed to do wonders for the wife supposed to be magical. He actually sent me a picture of it. I had a hard time rotating my phone trying to figure what the heck it is and what it does, kind of a high price item but he was able to get it for 50% off thanks to a special offer just for consenting adult listeners. He also received 10 free gifts, six free movies and free shipping, so check them out Adam and Eve, calm, the special code is L E Y N A, and a enter that at checkout and enjoy yourself. Okay, now back to the forms of sex magic.
Guest: The first form of sex magic is practicing mindful masturbation solo, so I practicing it as myself and what I'm doing is a form of inner alchemy. So through my masturbation through generating pure penis pleasure, allowing my body to have higher and higher erotic states, I am essentially healing myself, I'm giving myself, unconditional self love and it's transforming me on the inside. That's the first part. The second part is sharing that with other men. And that's something called phallic brotherhood where masturbating together and sharing that together can amplify those sort of like good feelings that bonding and sort of that camaraderie that I feel like it's so like so many men, myself included, like crave that and just like need that. It's like this love fuel, it's just like it fills in the cracks and it's just, it's this beautiful thing, it's a lot about breathing, Changing your stroke to delay ejaculation, if I can make ejaculation a choice, and it's not that there's anything wrong with coming or all that stuff. If I can make ejaculation a choice, then I'm able to use my body as a container to build more and more energy. So, that energy will heal me so that's the first form of sex magic is in an inner alchemy. The second form of sex magic is taking that erotic energy that I've built, and then releasing it within an intentional ejaculation. And at the same time focusing on an intention, in my mind, maybe a symbol, short phrase, something that I want to happen something that I want to manifest, and I can use that sexual energy with a intentional release, and then sort of like let that go out to the universe and without knowing how it's going to show up or come back to me. I just sort of trust that I that it will sort of like the secret, but it's like right, the mat the male masturbation version of the secret I'm sure women can do it too. That's the basic of sex magic is that at the, at the moment of of that orgasmic ejaculation. The mind is completely clear, It's like this flash of lightning in the brain. This cosmic generative thing, I mean that's the spark that creates that creates new human life as well, but I also believe that it can be, you can create anything. The third form is when the first two forms have been mastered. Then the third form is kind of like, there's really no differentiation between building the energy or releasing it, which I'm not I'm not a Master, I'm still, I'm a, I'm an erotic wizard's apprentice right now.
Leyna: You're like the Harry Potter of penises here, Russell.
Guest: Oh, thank you. That's as high praise. Yeah, no it is actually a lot like that when those when those first two forms are mastered, then I can just masturbate and just whatever my penis tells me to do. I can ejaculate or not, but I also offer masturbation coaching if men want to go deeper, I do one on one coaching over like zoom or Skype or what not.
Leyna: They don't have to be gay, right, because I've done a little bit of reading on, on group masturbation, that there are actually a good number of straight men who are exploring this.
Guest: Yes, so, you know, I think that there, there can be a tendency, especially among gay men to be like, you know side I look at each other and be like, yeah right, he's real straight or whatever, but actually I honor that I would say that it's true, because I do think that most men are primarily heterosexual, in whatever that means to them, but I firmly believe that that people have the ability to self identify. If someone says they're straight I'm not going to question that for one. I also believe that the male sexuality, regardless of, you know, preference, regardless of what someone's flavor of their sexuality is feel like there's a desire to share that with other men. It doesn't mean that someone's gay or not, and I think that there's something really natural and sort of like bonding, about being able to masturbate with other men. And even though and so for me it's just hard for me to see because for me as a man who's attracted to men. I approach it in a very gay way so for me, there is, there it is gay and for me you know it's like if you're, if you're a hot guy and masturbating with you like. I wouldn't mind making out with you but I feel like a straight man is not going to want to make out with other guys that's how kind of I think about it.
Leyna: Right, in fact this group masturbation thing there's actually a term for it on Tumblr, they call it bloody baiting, where a group of men will gather and masturbate together, and they're not necessarily gay, that there's some sort of camaraderie in this very natural innate desire. I think it's probably, it's probably very difficult for anyone who's never done it to really understand what it's about for a gay man to understand that it's not just for gay men, right? So that if you're not, it like everyone has their own understanding of whatever situation, they're, they're in some other people call it bro-jobs where, you know, and it's so interesting to me that men can experience intimate things together, doesn't mean they have to be touching each other, you know, perhaps in the same room, and still not think of themselves as gay, and maybe in probably are not. I believe that there are men who are doing this, who are not gay, who aren't attracted to other men.
Guest: I believe that too. And like you said, it is hard for people who haven't had the experience to understand. I hold space for men to be whatever they want because I think that there's a desire to become vulnerable. And so when you're naked masturbating being seen it's it's extremely vulnerable. So the experience of being able to become vulnerable with men in general, like without the sexual context is very healing and I think it's very natural. And I think it's something that's missing in our culture. I believe that there used to be a more of a tribal sort of like way that men were raised, and not even, not even necessarily about sexuality but just like I think it's kind of this ancient thing, it seems really natural to, to be able to share that with other men, and if it wasn't such a stigma against it if there wasn't such a stigma against homosexuality nudity, the penis in general. I don't think there would be any reason why it would be a bad thing to masturbate with your friends, because it's, it's fun, it feels good. I think it's really healthy. I think that labels and I think it can be really confusing because I think it's different for all men, but it's a journey. Right and I think everyone has everyone has a different self identity journey, and also like everyone has the right to feel about themselves, how they want to feel and to tell people what they want to tell them
Leyna: maybe after listening to this episode, as some people will be looking up group masturbation, and there there are some articles out there and I think it's a very interesting viewpoint from men who say they are straight, that they don't feel anything gay but there's just something very special that is, they just they can't explain it, they enjoy it, and they don't feel gay doing it.
Leyna: You talked about the stigma of being pegged a gay man, when you don't identify as one, even within the non monogamous community where there are men who are swinging with their wives, being with other couples and finding that they're enjoying sexual activity with other men, but they don't feel gay, and they don't want to be pegged as gay.
Guest: Sure. So I can understand that. And also I'll speak for myself that before I was ready to accept myself as gay, I would have wholeheartedly rejected that label, and if I had been in a situation with a man, I might reject if he's like oh you're gay and I would be like no I'm not like I wasn't ready to see myself for who I was and my denial was able to completely hide that from me to where I was surprised when I questioned and I said, Wait, I think I'm actually gay and it was like something clicked and like a door open that I didn't even see the door before. So, that's just me.
Leyna: Do you think that our society will ever see a day where men could be engaged in sexual activity with other men, and not be deemed gay?
Guest: I hope so. Honestly, I, I think that humans are, are more fluid than what what society allows us to be especially men, I feel like women in society seem to have more permission or more leeway to be more sexually fluid and men are more. It's kind of like if a man has any sexual fluidity. Oh he's completely gay, or at least bisexual but like you can't be a straight man. You can't be a straight man if you have any attractions to men. And I think that's really unfortunate and I think that that pressure puts a lot of men in a box. And so I yes I do see, I do see a world where we can kind of move beyond labels and just sort of like get more to like a more holistic place and something that honors sexuality. Yeah, I do. I hope that's my dream.
Leyna: And so if you want to check him out on social media you can find him on Twitter. He's at @Dragonpuppythree. That's @dragonpuppythree. If you could give advice to a man who is struggling with that: Am I gay? Am I bisexual? you know, being afraid of being judged. Do you have any advice for them on how to move forward?
Guest: Yes, I would say number one. Don't beat yourself up,
Leyna: Which is different from don't beat yourself, right?
Guest: Don't beat yourself off, no you can do that. You can't do that. No, I would say, I would say there's so much support for you, regardless of who you are as a person, what helped me was finding a community of men who really accepted me. And so it was really seeing myself through other people's eyes that I could accept myself for who I am. You don't have to label yourself. I think that it's okay to have experiences, they don't make us any one thing. I think that it's about self love because if I can truly love myself, then I can accept who I am.
Leyna: So, so it really does all start at home. It really does. It's so awesome to talk to you because on paper. It sounds weird. Yeah, you sound a little freakish, and then you talk and it's like, oh okay, I get this, and you make it sound so beautiful, as you say, and natural and normal.
Guest: Thank you.
Leyna:Thanks for being on the show Russell. Such a nice guy sure hope that things work out for you. Okay, next time on consenting adults, after you get the fact that she sounds like Ruth from Ozarks, out of your head, you'll be interested to know that she is in a loving relationship with two men who were childhood best friends.
Guest: He actually came to me and said that he had thought about it, he wanted me to be happy.
Leyna: So it was your boyfriend who then suggested maybe you should start something up with his best friend.
Leyna: and the three couldn't be happier. That’s next time, on Consenting Adults.
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