EP 100 How to Date Kinky!

How do you approach your partner with wanting to be kinky and/or non-monogamous? Nookie is a hedonist dominant cuckoldress pimptress who's a polyamorous monoromantic.  She talks about new relationship energy, pimping out her cuck husband and helping others navigate the world of kinky dating.
You can find her at DatingKinky.com
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00:00:00] Leyna: My guest today is the adorable Nookie. I've been waiting to say that for so long. She's 48 years old. She sent me a description of who and what she is, all the things she's into. And I was actually confused by some of it, which is awesome because it's been a while since I, since I read anything that really confused me in this realm.
So Nookie, welcome to the show. Let me see here. You, you are a hedonist dominant Cuckoldress, Pimptress. Yeah. Okay. Polyamorous and monoromantic? I like, I've never even seen that word, and just looking at it, it doesn't look like the two go together. What the heck are you talking about woman?
[00:00:43] Miss Nookie: Well, so polyamory is the ability to love multiple people in a relationship style bond.
So as opposed to like parents, right? You can love multiple children, right. Or you could have multiple friends that you adore or whatever. In my sense, it's like a bonding, like a, the type of thing you do. , long-term with a husband or a wife. I can do that with multiple people. However I'm sure you've heard of NRE right.
Like a new relationship energy. Oh yes. twitterpation, right. And the fascination and obsession over like new people in your life when you're just starting to get to know them. I don't really get that. With more than one person at a time. So I am romantically involved. Like I am in love with one person, but I can love, develop deep bonds of love over time with multiple people.
[00:01:43] Leyna: Okay. I actually kind of get that. That's amazing. And then we'd get into grammar, but we don't have time for that in this show. All right. So I know what a cuckoldress is. Let's talk about your current relationship right now. You've been together with your partner for how long are you guys married?
Are you open? What is your dynamic like?
[00:02:04] Miss Nookie: Nearly nine years. We have primarily a femdom and cuckolding relationship, but we also have other kinks and interests that sort of add into and merge with and play with and, you know, move around in our lives. So I also enjoy pimping my partner out to other people and I have compersion seeing him.
Please other people and how happy they are when he's able to do that. Okay.
[00:02:36] Leyna: Can you explain this whole pimping, your partner out to other people? I mean, I, I understand what you're saying, but like, how is that different from being a swinger.
[00:02:47] Miss Nookie: So as a cuckoldress and femdom though, I control the sexuality in our relationship.
So his sexuality is mine to grant or not, I guess, as I see fit I have. Rarely denied him. He doesn't actually want to share his sexuality with a bunch of people. But there have been people that I have said, you know, you know, like a friend of mine will say, you know, Hey, I'm having a dry spell and I'm like, you know, You can borrow my partner and he's amazing.
And the people who know us well, will often you know, ask him out for a date night and spend time enjoying his company and then send him running right back home to me. Okay. But he has to get your permission. Yes. There are some people for whom it's not so much a permission thing anymore. It's he has ongoing, but yeah, at the beginning, we definitely talk about it and go through the permission stages.
Okay. So
[00:03:43] Leyna: let me see if I understand this as part of the pimping, your partner to other people. Could you, for instance, say, and, and you know, when we're talking about this kind of stuff, when we say make, you know, it's not the same thing as, as you know, the vanilla public, right. But when you're talking about pimping, your partner out to other people in this sense, would you be able to make him be with someone because you want it to happen?
[00:04:03] Miss Nookie: Yes. Yeah. I I've never forced him to do something that he didn't, you know, that he was absolutely against. I have loaned him to people that he didn't know well and he enjoyed that and he's absolutely open to that going forward as well. But I have, you know, literally said, you know, Hey, I'd like you to, you know, spend some time with this person and unless he has, you know, strenuous objection, Then he's going to do it
[00:04:31] Leyna: now.
Do you get something out of it?
[00:04:34] Miss Nookie: Absolutely. I mean, there's a couple of things. First of all, I get compersion for the people that I know and I adore knowing that they are being pleased and that they are interacting with and sharing joyous time with my partner is incredibly compersive. But also there's another part of it.
That's really not. So compersive it's way more like selfish. And that's the idea of like, let's say you have like a Lamborghini or Ferrari or something and it's just so awesome. And so you offer to let your friends drive it and then your friends are like, oh my gosh, that's such a cool car. And you're like, Yup, it's mine.
There's a lot of showing off, involved in the pimping aspect of it. Right.
[00:05:23] Leyna: Okay. But you're not afraid they're gonna crash your partner.
[00:05:27] Miss Nookie: No, not really. So I'm not afraid they're going to, if you, if you think of it from the standpoint of like, if you've ever had a dog and you know, somebody else might watch them over the weekend or take them out on a walk, that dog isn't suddenly going to love them more for.
Doing that it's the same type of thing with my partner. Like it's, it's, it's, there's a bond and a loyalty there between the two of us that it's just not going to be broken by somebody else. It could be broken by us. Right. We could do things to screw that up, but other people aren't going to huh.
[00:06:04] Leyna: Okay.
Is this why in the note you sent to me, you said you have a pet?.
[00:06:09] Miss Nookie: Yeah, that's a term of endearment. I call my partner, my pet, my submissive, my cuck, my slut, my sweetie, my lover. Like he's literally like all the things he could be to me. Pet to me, like I. Interesting fact, I spent 22 years doing rescue and rehab and training dogs.
And so for me, that behavior modification and training relationship is a very deep bond. It's full of love. It's full of connection, and it's also full of guidance. And so calling him, my pet with a capital P is one of the highest forms of endearment that I have for.
[00:06:51] Leyna: Okay. Understood. Wow. Okay. Let's talk about how this all came about.
Were you always this kinky Nookie were you always like this?
[00:07:01] Miss Nookie: I would say I always had the potential to be like this. I've I've been different, I guess through my whole life. And I come from kinky stock. I did not know that when I was growing up, I just knew that my parents' friends were amazing human beings, you know?
A woman who wore leather, who had a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time and would show up at parties with both of them. And I knew a man who taught me when I was young. Like, how to do eyeshadow while my mother and I were, you know, watching him get dressed up for a party that evening in what we would normally consider traditional feminine attire.
And I knew that his name was Tony, but that when Tony was dressed up in. Traditional feminine attire. Tony was a she and not a he. I mean, this is, this is what I knew growing up. It wasn't about sex for me because I was too young to understand that whole thing. But as I got older and I realized, oh, Wait, my parents were swinky.
And so, yeah, so they were, they were, they were kinky, but they were also, you know, kind of swingers polyamorous, open relationship types. And again, this was not something that was ever brought up to me as a child. It's just, you know, they're, they're friends with their friends and they love their friends and their friends love them and they had parties and I got to know their friends too.
This is just how it was it. Wasn't like one of the things you see a lot in the media today is the idea that, you know, telling somebody what gay is, is sexualizing it for a child. And honestly, as a child, that was the least. Thing on my mind, it was, you know, this is how people are and we accept them for who they are.
And do they love me because as a child, we're very self-centered right. Do they love me as a child? Will they let me sit on their knees? You know, will they smile and make me laugh? And, you know, so it wasn't until I was 19. And I went out to a Fetish club in New York city. And I realized I'm around my people.
And then I thought, Hey, wait, these were my parents people. So,
[00:09:14] Leyna: so you found your herd? I did. Yeah. I have all of your relationships, like in adulthood. Have they all been like kinky and opened this way or did you have, did you ever have the vanilla monogamous relationship?
[00:09:29] Miss Nookie: Yes. Unintentionally. All of my adulthood, relationships started off kinky and open, or at least potentially open.
My marriage, I was married for 11 years and I was with him for 15. We started off that way. And as we were busy, like sort of like connecting and, you know, getting a business started and so on and so forth. After we got married, suddenly things started. Slide down into vanilla land and they stayed in vanilla land until the marriage ended.
And then from there on in, I was like, no, this isn't going to work for me. And it's not because of the monogamy. I was actually perfectly fine at the time with the monogamy. It was the feelings of shame that he was trying to put on me. For being the person that I am and not, I guess, growing up and becoming somebody radically different.
And I don't, I don't do, I don't do shame well, like, like consenting adults, as long as it works for two people. And as long as, you know, they're happy and loving and whatever, no shame don't get that. Right.
[00:10:41] Leyna: Do you have kids? Have
[00:10:42] Miss Nookie: you had kids? I have never had children. Okay.
[00:10:46] Leyna: And so, because you grew up that way, it was kind of just the atmosphere that you're used to are most of your friends, like are most of the people in your life know about the lifestyle, right?
They, so they don't really see you otherwise. Like this is you,
[00:11:03] Miss Nookie: your friends know this is very much me. Although, you know, my partner's friends, he has friends that he's had for decades that are not very well, that are not at all, I guess, kinky. And so when we're with them, you know, they know that he's not like everyone else.
And of course they have to assume that I am also not like everyone else. But we don't try to beat them over the head with details. Like that's unnecessary. So yeah, I think everybody around me knows, but the details, the level of detail, like it's not necessary. It's also, you know, being in charge of my relationship and having all these options available to me also does not make me the type of person who would make it obvious to anyone else.
That this is our relationship style, unless of course they're already in the know. So when we're out, I would suspect that most of my partners, friends and work associates and so on and so forth assume that we are very, very much in love and might even assume that he's the dominant in the relationship because he's such a gentleman and because I'm constantly thanking him and telling him how wonderful he is only we know.
What that means in our relationship and how that works.
[00:12:28] Leyna: Right. So it's kind of like, you know, when people who are straight and vanilla, people just know they're straight and vanilla, but they don't go out telling people about their sexual, their straight sexual activity.
[00:12:39] Miss Nookie: Right. Correct. Yeah. I mean, if somebody asks me a question I'll always say, okay, first of all, do you want to know the answer to that?
Because be aware. And then second of all, I'll try to gauge by what I know of them. What, how, how complete that answer should be, because I don't lie. I'm not good at that, but I am relatively good at not telling the whole truth because it's not necessary most of the time
[00:13:11] Leyna: and most people can't handle it.
Absolutely. Right. What advice might you have for people who are interested, especially in cuckolding, because, because there's so much shame around it. I get a ton of messages from men who are interested. Who say that they don't know how to approach the, the, their partner about it. Like they don't, they don't want to freak her out.
Like how do you do that? How do you approach your partner about something that is so out there?
[00:13:40] Miss Nookie: So, yeah, this is a question I get a lot and it can be, it can be about cuckolding. It can be about femdom. It can be about, you know, spanking even. I mean, when you're not in those circles, It doesn't matter how normal, you know, I might think it is right, but it does matter to them, you know, what are they feeling?
So for cuckolding specifically, or even femdom, what I like to do is I like to say, start them at step one. Don't start them where your fantasies happen to be at step 137. Right. So if you're interested in cuckolding, Find a partner who's open to swinging or to an open relationship or, you know, some sort of, you know, Poly-ness start there because that's going to be a much wider market than people who have done the deep dive into the very specific relationship of cuckolding.
[00:14:45] Leyna: What if you're already in a relationship like, you know, you've been married for 10 years and it's been vanilla, so far.
[00:14:52] Miss Nookie: That would also, so the, if you're going to start at that level, and this is true, I actually, whether you're starting a relationship or whether you're in a relationship, the first thing you have to do in all of these instances, from my perspective is make sure that you're comfortable talking about sex.
That's the first thing, like you can't just start in a vanilla relationship where you haven't really talked about sex, except like put it on the calendar for the past 10 years and say, by the way, let's go have freaky kinky sex. It's that's rarely, rarely going to work. So start with the things like, can you.
Unselfconsciously and without shame, talk about the sex you're having. Right. Do you know if you please, your partner? Do you know what you do that does please, your partner most? Do you know if your partner like knows how they please, you best? Have you had that conversation? Have you talked about fantasies?
Do you know what their fantasies are? And if they say that they don't have any fantasies, then, you know, you haven't gotten to the point where you're both comfortable talking about sex, you know, and even if it's just my fantasy is to do more of these types of things with you, or my fantasy is to, you know, fly to London and pretend that we're strangers in a pub and, you know, meet and fantasies.
Right. We all have. What I can say though, is that be aware that if you've been in a vanilla relationship for a long time, those fantasies might be buried deep. They might be stunted because, you know, it's kinda like why keep focusing on your dreams when they're not happening. Right. So start with the little things.
Get comfortable talking about the sex you're having then get comfortable about talking about the sex you'd like to have together. What would you like to try? What would you be interested in and then talk about, you know, are you interested in opening things up? Have you ever thought about, and if you're in a position where both of you
are comfortable talking about those things and feel that the other person will not shame you for your responses. That's where the magic starts to happen. And that's where you can really start to engage in things.
[00:17:23] Leyna: Have you seen couples fall apart after getting into
[00:17:27] Miss Nookie: lifestyle? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I mean it happens, but what I can say is I have only.
Maybe once or twice, depending on like how I define it in my head, seeing them fall apart because of the lifestyle people fall apart because their connection and their relationship is not strong. My, my, my stepmother, this was, I was already an adult. I was married. She and I were sitting. And talking about something or another, and the conversation that we had ended up being, and this is the upshot that I took away from it.
If your partner makes you feel loved and is a good partner, it doesn't matter what they are doing outside of the relationship. If your partner does not make you feel loved and is not a good partner. It doesn't matter what they're doing outside of the relationship, right? Like all of it comes down to how are the two of you together?
Can you communicate? Can you love each other hard through things that suck? And can you accept one another with an open heart and an open mind and flex in your relationship to see where things go and
[00:18:51] Leyna: it's, it's fair to just. Except the fact that some people can't do this right. There are some people who just will not be capable.
It doesn't mean that they love you any less.
[00:19:03] Miss Nookie: Absolutely. I would, I would definitely say that it's also fair. And I, cause I was just having a conversation this morning over on my YouTube channel where somebody said, well, it doesn't really count as consent if somebody says, I will leave this relationship, if you don't consent.
And my answer is yes, everybody has a right to choose what they require in a relationship. Right. Like everyone has that right. Does it suck sometimes? Yes. Hmm. One of the things I have noticed is that there's like two levels of kinky people. There are the people who can absolutely compartmentalize and say, I can think about that, but I don't need it.
And then there are the people for whom that's going to eat at them for the rest of their lives. If they don't make it happen. And only each individual can really tell. Which one of those they are, but if you're going to be miserable for the rest of your life, if you don't go to explore some part of you or, you know, if you are you know, a different gender from what you were assigned at birth or whatever it is, however, we look at these things.
If you're not going to be happy for whatever reason, and you know this, then it's also your right to say this isn't going to work for me. It isn't going to work for me. If we do it, it isn't going to work for me. If we don't do it, it's again, it's a consenting adult thing, but in some cases, other adults don't get to consent to the decisions we make for our own lives.
[00:20:33] Leyna: What is this YouTube channel you're talking about? I know that I heard about you because we had a, I had posted a question because so many people ask me. Because I have the show, but I'm not qualified because I don't know. And your name came up a lot as the person to talk to when you've got questions about cuckolding and all this other kinky stuff.
So what is it that you do?
[00:20:56] Miss Nookie: I am the founder of datingkinky.com and my YouTube channel is Dating Kinky. And I talk pretty much about love, sex, relationships and kink. So these are things that I like to do really deep dives in. It's been an interest of mine for years, and I get kind of intellectual about it as you might've noticed.
Yeah.
[00:21:17] Leyna: The people who are watching the people who are wondering the people who are interested, what kind of people are we talking about? What age group is there any common thread?
[00:21:25] Miss Nookie: I would find that. While many young people have an interest, especially now that the internet is like, you know, sort of trending the cuckold ethical non-monogamy thing.
So there was a lot more younger people sort of digging into it. However, I find that most of the people who are really, really curious are people who are either 5 to 10 years into their first marriage. Or they've had what we all, what we all know of affectionately and perhaps inaccurately in a lot of cases, a starter marriage, right?
Like we did the thing when we were young and Boy, that didn't work for me. So now I'm going to explore all the things I can in, you know, before I hit middle age or before I start to slow down or, you know, The other ones are the people who their kids are just about to leave the house. They can take care of themselves.
And now we're thinking maybe we have adult needs to start playing with again. And how do we get the spark back? So there's, there's a lot of different levels and it really depends. Like, you know, you've got your singles who are like, I'm going to try everything and figure out what really works for me.
And you've got the couples that are like, well, we have these interests and we want more positive sexuality in our lives. And so we're going to dip our toes into different waters.
[00:22:50] Leyna: This is, I know that you keep you, we've established that this is you. Could you ever see yourself, like not living this way?
Like could you ever say you can?
[00:23:02] Miss Nookie: Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, one of the things I have learned through life and I've, I've had a crazy life, is that it changes, right? Like things come about and.


You, you just change over time. There are a lot of people who start out for example, in swinging and they'll do a lot of swinging.
And then after a while they're like, you know what, you know, This doesn't work for me. Now, some people continue with swinging their whole lives. Some people decide, Hey, you know, let's go back to monogamy. You know, total incomplete. This is cool. Some people in swinging, they start stepping into adjacent things like cuckolding, or I, there are a lot of people who are.
Swinging who, you know, starts stepping over into the world of kink. Those are our swingsters, right? The people who are like, sort of like that Venn diagram, that middle part they're into swinging they're into kinking. You know, there are swingsters like. Polyamory. I mean, absolutely. You might step into polyamory or people will step from polyamory sometimes into poly sexuality, including swinging, right?
Like it's, if, if we're fluid in our lives, if we are open to exploring life and enjoying what life has to offer and looking at the possibilities, the people who come into our lives will change us in different ways. Right. And so if my partner suddenly said to me, you know, I don't want to be a cuckold anymore, then we'd have to have this conversation.
Well, what does, you know, what does our life look like? Moving forward? What, what is not being a cuckold mean to you? What parts of our lives are we setting to the side? What are we doing to replace those things? And, you know, is this something where we can do a trial run? Is this something where, you know, it's a now or never?
And how do we figure this out? And is it going to work for both of us as adult humans moving forward? Are we going to get our needs met? Are we going to be living our best lives?
So
[00:25:04] Leyna: you seem really, really open. I'm going to ask you about something because like, I'm fine. I'm I think I'm a pretty open person as far as like, like, you know, listening to people's stories and yeah, some of it is really out there, but I find it really interesting and it doesn't change the way I think of them.
And you know, you're talking about the kinky stuff and the fetish stuff. I still do not get like the bathroom stuff.
[00:25:33] Miss Nookie: Okay. So I don't really either not, not so much. I mean, but if you think of it from the standpoint, like somebody was talking the other day about diaper play, not my thing, you know, it's just, it's, it's not something I'm interested in, but.
We were talking about it. And they said they had a partner who was into diaper play. And one of the things that it made that partner feel is it made them feel safe and cared for like when they were young. Right. And so it was, it was like an abdication of personal responsibility within that particular framework.
Right. It's not that they weren't an adult. It's not that they still didn't keep a job or anything like that. It was within that particular framework. And I think that. There's a, there's a great book out there. I highly recommend it. It is discontinued or like out of print, but you can still find copies on Amazon.
It's called the erotic mind by Jack Morin. And one of the things he talks about is that our eroticism is powered not by just the positive experiences in our lives, but also by. The deeper, darker feelings that we have. And so if you look at each kink, there are a number of different ways to arrive at that kink.
Some of which might be joyous, right? So this is something that makes me feel amazing. And some of them might be sort of like ways to deal with things that don't make us feel good. Right. So like humiliation, for example, is often in many people, a way to explore things that hurt us in the past within a safe, loving space where the truth.
The ultimate truth is that we are loved and accepted for exactly who we are. Right? So every kink has like those little twists and turns in it. And so bathroom stuff can be something as simple as I was shamed when I was younger for peeing the bed until I was six. And so now this is something that I do in a relationship within very controlled boundaries and I'm accepted for it.
Right. Like, so there's interesting, different little ways that people can sort of intellectualize and feel their way through these things. And pretty much every kink is what do you want to feel? And if you can figure that out, then you can wrap kinks and sex and fun around it and explore that. Yeah.
[00:28:11] Leyna: Yeah.
Wow. That is super interesting. You're the first person to explain anything like that to me and make me say, oh, Okay. I think I can get that. I think I kind of normally anyone who wants to say anything, bathroom, I don't even want to hear it because that's how much I don't get
[00:28:29] Miss Nookie: it. And I, and I get that as well.
I mean, we all have a right again, we all have a right to say, no, thank you. I prefer not to hear that, you know, that's absolutely. And I, I honestly, when people come at me talking like that, if I don't know them, if it's not a friend coming to me and saying, Hey, I'd like to talk about this thing or it doesn't, you know, like it doesn't come up in natural conversation, I'll say, thank you so much.
Not my kink. And I don't appreciate you bringing it to me without asking. Right. Simple.
[00:28:59] Leyna: Yeah. And I am just always amazed at what the human mind can do and does. And some of it, we can't explain. Right. It's it's amazing. It really is.
[00:29:11] Miss Nookie: I am. It really, really is. And humans, like we can't explain ourselves.
And yet we spend so much time, like we just did trying to explain others. And it's, it's wonderful. I like to say that asking why is like mental masturbation, right? Like it doesn't get us anywhere because asking why about someone else it's just too complex. Most of the time we just, you know, we can sit around and we can say, well, maybe they did this because of this.
Or maybe it's because you know this thing in their childhood or whatever it is, but really when it comes right down to it, I don't really, I don't pay a whole lot of attention to the whys, unless it's somebody that I'm connecting with right now, what do you want to feel? And that feeling often is explained through a why.
Why do they want to feel this way? How do they want to reclaim this thing? Whatever it is. But otherwise I'm less of a why kind of person and more a, who are you right now? What are you doing with yourself? And are you making the people around you happy in your consensual life? And that is really the key as far as I'm concerned.