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Menopause is no match for Anne, who has taught herself how to be multi-orgasmic and it has sent her libido into overdrive! She is married and has a boyfriend whom she isn't allowed to have sex with, YET. She shares with us the on-going negotiations she's having with her husband to change that.
EP 10 – Fab at 50
Leyna: Hi everyone, I am back from vacation, back to reality and right back to work. Actually, last week we had our first Facebook Live chat session for consenting adults, it was a lot of fun so if you missed it, try to catch our next one. We had guests who were on the podcast. Joining us to talk about anything that's changed one person did have a breakup told us about that. We also talked to guests, whose episodes have aired yet, so lots of fun talk, and then of course there were, you know the vanilla people the rest of us who were joining in on the conversation. One guy was so vanilla, he didn't know what vanilla meant he actually thought we were talking about white people. So we told them what vanilla meant there were also a couple of comments that might have been insulting or a little upsetting about last week's episode the swinging ladies but the lesbians in the lifestyle. One guy said, Wait a second, so they're lesbians, they say they don't want a man, but they're playing with strapped bones and dildo. So really, they do want a penis. Well, I don't have to be a lesbian to know that it's the man connected to the penis that they have issues with, and another guy, kind of along the same lines, said these lesbians just want a man, they just can't admit it. I kind of know these two guys so I know that they weren't trying to be disrespectful or mean, it's just how they really think, and I think by the end of it, they were able to see it from a different point of view and understood it better. So anytime you can have a conversation with someone, and kind of open their horizons, you know, open their minds to other possibilities, then that is a conversation worth having. So join us next time just follow us on @consentadults on Twitter, find me on Facebook, we'll be announcing when our next Facebook Live is and enjoying it on the conversation. Alright, let's get to today's guest. A lot of the women I talked to on the show are in their 40s and 50s. No one really looks forward to menopause I haven't heard a lot of great things about it. But today's guest says her libido is now off the charts. She is more multi-orgasmic taught herself to be, and has found ways to orgasm, most women don't even know about, there is a line from my nipple down to my vagina, specifically my clit really, where if someone is stimulating me in a particular way, I will orgasm and it's it's it's a shutter it's, it's the clenching. Get ready. This is Consenting Adults,
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Leyna: Today we are talking to an who's 50 years old, a web designer, and she's married and has a boyfriend. We are not using your real name because there are people in your life who want to keep this confidential, and I'm sure that there are maybe friends or co workers or people in the professional world or whoever who may not approve of the lifestyle, they're too late. That's entirely possible. Tell me a little bit about your situation, how long have you been married,
Anne: I've been married for about 10 years. Does he know you have a boyfriend. Yes. Okay, so he knows I am a fan of open communication. Okay, there's a difference to me between cheating and polyamory so does he approve that you have a boyfriend. He's working on it. How long have you had this boyfriend. It's fairly recent relationship, although it's someone that I've known for probably 15 to 20 years.
Leyna: So you were happily married. Yes. How did this boyfriend thing come up.
Anne: I've always identified as polyamorous, and to me it's something of a spectrum, and not necessarily a lifestyle choice. When I hooked up with my husband, he was initially okay with me being poly and got uncomfortable with it as we got more serious, and I said okay I'll try being monogamous for a while, and I was magnanimous for about 15 years.
Leyna: That's actually a very long time, there's someone who I mean that wasn't your thing, right.
Anne: No, it wasn't. I was one of those people when I discovered that Polly was a thing. I was like, oh that makes so much sense, it had a name, it had a name, and there were other people who did that and I wasn't just weird, I tend to love more than one person at a time, being in a monogamous structure of a relationship is dissonant uncomfortable is for me, it's uncomfortable.
Leyna: Yeah, uncomfortable, meaning you found like you maybe had to restrain yourself too much or just not it though,
Anne: I suspect anyone in a monogamous relationship restrains themselves. Let's be realistic, they're supposed to. Right. I think the easiest way to explain it is when I am practicing or actively polyamorous, I feel more complete, I feel happier, and when I am practicing monogamy. I tend to have more anxiety attacks, honestly in social situations,
helped me understand why, at that point your soon to be husband was not into this polyamory thing, why did you marry him if you knew that he wasn't into it. Well,
my idea was, I will do this for you until you understand that I'm not leaving. So you thought that maybe he would change. I thought that maybe he would get more comfortable with it, that that he would hit a point where he understood that I'm in here for the long haul, and that I'm not going anywhere. And then we could renegotiate the terms of our relationship as it were.
Leyna: So how long were you married before you decided to add a boyfriend to the mix.
Anne: We've been married for, I don't know, probably three or four years before I voiced an interest, and maybe opening up the relationship a little bit, mostly on a sexual level, and we came up with an agreement where, if I wanted to be with someone I would talk to him face to face beforehand, and we would find an understanding and I invoked that a couple of times over the years, and
love their relationships or where they kind of just like one nightstand, so you were, so it was a hall pass is what you worked out with.
Anne: If you want to call it that, yeah, there were always people that I knew that both of us knew and were comfortable with. They were friends. Okay. Was he really comfortable with it, he never voiced any discomfort until fairly recently, last spring I voiced an interest in a sexual relationship with a friend, and he got a little more uncomfortable, possibly because this actually became a thing. Previously when I had voiced interest and gotten the hall pass. It hadn't fully gone anywhere, and this time around I thought everything was good, and he got uncomfortable very rapidly, that petered out anyway. And I had been spending a lot of time with an old friend was starting to feel stuff. We went to a, an event, it was in a dungeon, so there was, wait a second, you have to make reservation in a dungeon What are you talking about woman. So it was a BDSM club essentially they're called dungeons. Oh, a friend of mine was DJing there. I wanted to go support my friend and I invited this guy, and got up the nerve to ask him if he would be interested in playing, he got up there to say yes, and asked if it was in the parameters of my relationship, he's really good about boundaries. So my agreement with my husband as far as hall passes and that sort of thing is I can make out with other people, it's not a big deal. He can also make out with people it's not a big deal. Now, has he ever taken you up on that. I don't know, don't really care. He's never done it in my presence,
the agreement, wasn't that he had to discuss it with you before
he did anything, making out was not part of the house, there has to be a face to face conversation, the face to face conversation is specifically oral no tangental contact, I've made out with people, and there's been some, what I think of as sensory play you know like touching little hair pulling that kind of stuff.
Leyna: Well, at what point was it more than just a hall pass. At what point did you realize you have another relationship going in addition to your marriage.
I talked to my husband who was out of town. And I said, I want to go to this party. I would like to play. And I just wanted to make sure that you were okay with that because it didn't involve intercourse of any sort, or any heavy duty sexual activity I figured it was within the boundaries of our relationship, but out of courtesy and because the person I was going to be playing with had asked, I was double checking, and he said yes, but anything further than that has to be face to face, we have to have the face to face conversation with them, of course, in the course of going to this events, my future boyfriend was asking sort of where the boundaries were what the parameters were and I said well we can make out, and all of a sudden like stuff shifted, you know he's in his pants. What do you mean well possibly I don't know, I didn't know he had until that point then very reserved, all of a sudden he warmed up a lot,
so he wanted more than just the regular making out that you were allowed to do,
yes. And when my husband came back into town we had a conversation about it, his initial response was, yeah, he's less weird than Valeska. And so we started to develop a relationship, and very quickly. My husband became very uncomfortable and jealous triggered, like there was something going on he wasn't reacting to the current situation,
well explain that because how do you know that's not jealousy. Well,
I'm sure there was some jealousy there, but his reaction was disproportionate to events, he lost his shit like temper. Yeah, and started requesting a lot of boundaries, and because I wanted him to get comfortable with this, I agreed, and the request for boundaries got stronger and stronger. What kind of requests are we talking about, it's now at the point where I probably had more exciting dates when I was 13, so you can kiss, we can kiss. We can do some playing No bikini areas at all. I hope it feels good on your arm so we have a continuing discussion going on and there's continuing negotiations going on and the three of us have sat down and had some conversations I've even had a neutral third party come in and do some mediation between myself and my husband, and things are getting better, so you had like a sexual mediation. Yeah, it's a relationship mediation, it's just another relationship issue as far as I'm concerned. Wow, okay. He seems to be loosening up somewhat, and I do anticipate that things will shift in the future, we're both on the same page as far as we are perfect partners for each other in our marriage, we don't fight, we travel well together. We like the same movies we like the same music,
we are very well matched, except for the fact that you need something else and someone else, and my stance continues to be this is an and not an OR, and he has voiced on a number of occasions, being willing to find a level of comfortability with us.
Leyna: Did you ever suggest to him or do you think it might get better for you guys if you find someone that captures his interest the way this guy has captured yours. I would be fine with that as far as I can tell he doesn't really identify as Polly and might never tell but not Polly How about just open marriage where do you think it would be better for you guys if he was like out having sex with other women.
Anne: He has such a monogamous sort of focus that I don't know how well that would work for him. Do you share any of your exploits with him. Really, yeah, yeah, oh yeah, in fact part of the boundaries right now is that I come home and essentially debrief him.
Leyna: How does he react to hearing about it, I mean, does he get turned on or does he get triggered?
Anne: wish he would get so much easier. Well, and part of another part of my argument has been when I'm having more sex, I want more sex. Last spring, when I hooked up with my friend, all of a sudden, my husband and I started having sex, one to three times a day, and I was like, you're getting more here, you're not losing anything in fact you know it's improving our relationship. Did he buy it. I don't know if he's fully conscious of the correlation, I mean I keep telling him, When I have good sex I want more sex and he knows that from our relationship. I just I don't know where the disconnect is for him.
Leyna: So the situation with your marriage right now is you're working on these boundaries, we're working on these rules. Does he show any signs of coming around, like you thought he would,
Anne: yes, it's slow, it's not as fast as I would like for sure, and he's definitely trying. I have voiced him that as long as I know that you're trying and you're willing to make an effort. I'm a lot more comfortable when I feel that there's a stagnation going on. I get very uncomfortable.
Leyna: Have you thought of what you would do if he never comes around. What if one day, he says to you, listen, I can't do this, I can't have you doing this, what if you have to make the choice. And that's a rough one.
Anne: I can't say for sure what I would do because it hasn't happened yet, but it would be challenging, knowing what you know about yourself, what you want, what you need. Do you think you could be married to a person and stay monogamous after you've had a taste of this other life.
I feel very strongly that he loves me enough that he's going to continue to try to find a way to be okay with this. I really do think there's a fear that he of his that I'm leaving. And so I keep just returning I'm not going anywhere. I wouldn't have married you if I was going anywhere,
Leyna: so does your husband equate SEX WITH LOVE?
Anne: equate sex with intimacy, which is fascinating because he's created these boundaries with the boyfriend, where we're having what I consider to be lots of emotionally intimate moments, and no sex and I'm like, you realize that if we were having intercourse, we might burn out on this and it will be done, but you're creating the situation where we're being very intimate with each other on an emotional level. And you may be shooting yourself in the foot here.
Leyna: Give me an example of some of these boundaries where he says it's okay but to you it's a little more intimate than sex itself
Anne: sensory play and figuring out like on a minute level what your partner likes, and responds to without having intercourse on the table is more intimate, and there's, there's an emotional connection that happens when you're reading your partner, and figuring out like okay when I touch you, on the neck here that elicits a stronger response than I want to touch you on the shoulder here. It's a learning of your partner on a level that doesn't always happen when you're just having sex.
Leyna: Okay, so he's okay with kissing, touching. What about oral sex
Anne: no, no oral sex. Either way, no bikini areas.
Leyna: Oh, so even when you touch, you can't touch. Well I hope you're wearing a bikini and not a one piece.
Anne: Absolutely. Has he ever made the effort to go out and enjoy himself so that he's not thinking about what you may be doing little missy.
Anne: Well, one of the boundaries that I set and I'm starting to feel like maybe I need to adjust this, but one of the boundaries that I said was, I was only going to go hang out with my boyfriend. When my husband was doing something else. The challenge is that a lot of his work occurs on the weekends, and my boyfriend has his son on the weekends. So that needs to be renegotiated I believe,
Leyna: have you ever hung out with a boyfriend without letting the husband, no, no. Have you broken other rules, no. So you're saying that when you're getting hot and heavy with the boyfriend because it's so intimate that things that you guys are doing that his hand never straight into the bikini area.
Anne: Absolutely. So as I said before, the boyfriend is super conscientious about boundaries, And even if I wanted him to he would not cross that line knowing what the line is
Leyna: your boyfriend is policing the boundaries, yeah?
Anne: Well absolutely
Leyna: that's impressive.
Anne: He is in my husband's corner on this, he has been in a situation where he was a primary and lost someone to the secondary, and so he absolutely understands the fear that my husband is having for us boring people who don't understand or know
Leyna: Can you can you kind of explain what this primary, secondary
Anne: sure. Not all poly relationships are based on a hierarchy but when they are your primary partner is someone that you are fully committed to who you may live with, and then a secondary would be someone who has less of your time less of your energy does it then move down, like their secondary is there a third dairy, tertiary, there, there can be, I probably wouldn't want to have to coordinate with more than two. So we're coordinating three people's schedules. This is Los Angeles, that's a lot.
Leyna: It's like you need a planner to keep your life short order and figure out time for each other,
Anne: Google Calendar has been a boon to everyone I know who has a relationship.
Leyna: So we've established that this is who you are. Yes, it's really not who your husband is
Anne: not that I'm aware of, he's never really shown any indication of being polyamorous, But you knew that before you married him. Yes. And you're still married him a dig and he's kind of cool. And he'd be cooler if he just let you have sex with whoever you want to have sex with. Well, I'm probably not the only person who feels that way. So,
Leyna: you love your husband.
Leyna: What is it about how you feel, or whatever that prevents you from than just being with just your husband.
Anne: Well, I've done it for 15 years, I guess there's there's nothing, there's no metal for that. Now there should be a good start. There's nothing that necessarily prevents me from doing that. I just know that my soul feels more fed if you will, I am more comfortable in my own skin. When I am not forcing myself into a monogamous box if you will.
Leyna: Did you find yourself living more freely as a polyamorous person as you got older,
Anne: yes, but I found myself getting more comfortable with who I was as I got older, to begin with.
That's actually the greatest thing about getting older. Oh yeah, no I know what I know is a big secret when I'm telling you, but when I hit perimenopause. All of my flux went away. If I was like, no more to give. Exactly. My field of flux behold it is barren. I stopped really caring, with a few exceptions, family that sort of thing about what people thought
most 30 Something year olds think like life is over after 40. Well, I was surprised when I hit 30 So, I was I was on a path where I didn't actually anticipate making it to 30. And so I'm like 20 years past my expiration date I'm like
Leyna: Okay, so 40 and the now 50 Any thoughts on being 50, especially as a really sexual person.
Anne: I don't think I look 50 A lot of my friends are younger, my husband is six years younger than I am. Oh, my boyfriend is also younger than I am. We are all fairly we fit into what I would think of as counterculture. A lot of them are artists, and even if they're not, they they have a creative expression, they are into not being part of the mainstream.
Leyna: And so the mainstream idea of what is 50 doesn't jive.
Anne: Yeah, no, absolutely not.
Leyna: Do you think that as people grow older, this kind of lifestyle, meaning the open marriage or the hall pass or the swinging or the polyamory stuff is a lot easier to get into a lot easier to survive
Anne: because e they don't care what other people think
Anne: So that's part of it right, I'm sure I'm sure there's I think what keeps a lot of people in monogamy or make makes them just cheat as opposed to having a conversation, is because they think that that's what society expects of them, you get to a certain age and people are like, whatever.
Leyna: But isn't there also a maturity level, possibly, well I mean I think that negotiation and consideration and and being willing to be the adult in the room and if you have two or three people who are all willing to be the adults in the room, things go much more smoothly. I have some friends who are in the polyamorous community, who haven't quite figured out how to let go of drama.
Leyna: Well, that's good to know that it's not because it's so far, everyone I've talked to has had great experiences.
Anne: sure I have a friend who sort of has the Doritos approach to partners: if I get jealous, I need to add another partner, and that way my focus will be shifted. Most of her partners are strictly sexual. And I think that that's easier if you're just having sex. I don't tend to hang out a lot with the people who are stuck in whatever box society handed them
Leyna: "the monogamy box?"
Anne: while the monogamy box or any sort of box you know like I have to be straight, I have to be you know monogamous
Leyna: if you were walking down this if you were teaching my kids at school, no one would ever think that you've got this wild side
Anne: Well I mean, how much do you think about what other people do in the bedroom to begin with
Leyna: Well I don't want to be thinking about my kids teachers.
Anne: I will tell you what, third grade teachers are crazy.
Leyna: I know some teachers and they are nuts. Oh, like in a good way, I mean like, meaning they're wild there
Anne: Oh yeah, absolutely, absolutely I mean there's, there's a band, a punk band called third grade teacher who like are based on like sexuality,
Leyna: the people who I always thought were conservative who always came off as very straight laced. I mean, they're the wildest people behind closed doors, then, then people who you oh they're wild, and I used to have an ex-boyfriend who everyone thought was a party or he had this way about him who was the life of the party
Anne: totally vanilla?
Leyna: Oh my god, I would joke about a threesome and he would honestly get mad at me, and he'd be like, Listen, if you're into that tell me now because I'm gonna, and it's so opposite of, you know, we're all walking around with masks. That's what I'm thinking
Anne: absolutely, I think that everyone is walking around not presenting as their true self. And so it's very refreshing when you come into a community where everyone is just happy being them.
Leyna: Can we briefly because it there's no time in this show to go through everything that you're into
Leyna: Tell me, all the different things that kind of floats your boat.
Anne: Bondage rope play especially Shabari, which is a Japanese word for artistic robot play.
Leyna: Okay, I might have to stop. When you emailed me roleplay the first time, because the P and the L are very close together. I thought it was a typo. When you told me a second time I'm like, No, this girl is into rope play,
Anne: Tied up for tied up sake, as opposed to as a prelude or part of something larger. So to me, the act of being tied up especially with fancy knots and a lot of attention is very central and very soothing, like it's soothing for the lizard brain, I don't know how else to put it.
Leyna: What else are you into?
Anne: some light impact play so spanking, maybe a flogger or something like that. I'm very sensual so anything that stimulates the skin is especially interesting to me, some dominance. My boyfriend is actually my DOM, there's something very freeing about trusting someone so much to hold the appropriate boundaries that you can just let go and let them be in charge.
Leyna: Do you have a safe word.
Leyna: Is it more than one syllable?
Leyna: Can you tell me what it is. I'm always curious to know
Anne: Avocado. Avocado, I love avocado, are you gonna say avocado in any kind of like sexual situation usually not.
Leyna: I'm a foodie
Anne: well I am a foodie too but in a sexual way
Leyna: so avocado. Alright, hey, that's a good one. And I'm told that you should have like it should be more than one syllable.
Anne: Yes, the other option and actually what I'm currently using with my boyfriend, come to think of it is red, yellow, green So green is fine. Yellow is, I'm starting to get uncomfortable red is hard stop, as someone who has trauma in her background, it's nice to be able to go I think I'm starting to get triggered so that he can back off and do some appropriate care
Leyna: yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow.
AnneE: Hopefully I'm not going down, if I'm starting to use that tone of voice and that sense of urgency, I'm probably at Red whether I know it or not,
Leyna: can I tell you you're the first guest I've actually had to pull out the urban dictionary to figure out what the hell you were talking about?
Anne: I don't even consider myself very kinky, like the word squeak. If you're not familiar with that term, no like it's, it's, it's everything happens in its Uchiha square, so you're grossed out yeah but it's it's sort of a visceral reaction just,
Leyna: you said you squeak at bodily fluids. What does that mean?
Anne: I mean things that involve so sperm is fine, a jackyled is
Leyna: oh, okay because that's the first thing I thought of and I said, How does she do this.
Anne: No, that's fine. Saliva is fine. Anything that's urine or feces or anything I'm so not down for me, we'll get along just fine also vomit
Leyna: No no no, wait, are there people into that.
Anne: Oh yeah, absolutely. Oh, anything that you think that there could possibly be someone into it, somebody is going to be into it, everybody has, you know, it's interesting because kink to me just means your sexual proclivity, and I think everybody has at least one kink, they may not phrase it that way,
what maybe one person's kink is like Tuesday night to you, right, and then there are people who do stuff and I'm like, not my bag. Yeah.
Leyna: Have you tried anything that you're just like, I'm never doing that again?
Anne: harder impact play. So, more, you know, it's harder s&m Harder satomasochism not my thing. I have never done needle play but I can already tell you that that's probably not my thing. I was with somebody for a while who that was totally their thing and I was like you need to do that with somebody else, I'm not doing
Leyna: okay, boring person stop again, needle play?
Anne: Yeah, it's for people who were injured, it's usually called sharps play you know like if you're at the doctors they call needles sharps, so needles and suspension and, like, it's like the sexual version of a freak show.
Leyna: I'm covering up my boobs right now.
Anne: Okay, I know that that's not always where it goes, right. I've been a couple of core performances, and there's there's large gauge needles like through the back and all kinds of places.
Leyna: Do you think there are people who actually sexually get off on that.
Anne: Absolutely, really. Yes. Oh, I know people who got off on it,
Leyna: man. I am so vanilla after hearing.
Anne: I mean, I also know furries so there you go. What furries furries, people who dress up in masks Scottish type outfits and have sex. All right. In fact, a lot of computer programmers, a lot of people who are in the computer industry are usually first
Leyna: as a web designer, I imagine you might not feel. Are you menopausal. Did you go through menopause yet?
Anne: I, I'm waiting for my 360/5. It's been a while since I've started moving into menopause has coincided for me with becoming more sexually active. I mean I do a lot of supplements and a lot of herbs the the TM having today is literally it's a it's a menopause tea that balances out your hormones helps reduce like hot flashes and stuff like that, but also can raise your libido and raise your lubrication level,
Leyna: I think most women are in that boat in that. I don't want to get my period every month anymore, such as for pain right well but at the same time when you hear about what happens to a lot of women during menopause, you do not want to go through it.
Anne: the more sexually active you are, the more, the less menopause is a problem is what I understand, like if you're continuing to have sex, you're continuing to have lubrication you don't dry out your wall stone kits and that sort of stuff. And so it's not as much of a problem but certainly balancing out your hormones can help.
Leyna: So you're saying if you use it, you're not going to lose it at least that's my understanding it's been true for me but you know, every once in a while I'm dry that's what lives for, you know, and that's true at any age, we have this misconception probably from porn that a woman is also supposed to always supposed to be wet if she's having sex, and that's not true,
Leyna: or that she's supposed to be really wet if she's really turned on, That's not true either.
Anne: No, absolutely not, but I still have times where it's like, Okay, grab the loot.
Leyna: There's no shame in it. No, there is no shame in loop, absolutely not, at what age do you think you became more free to have sex and enjoyed it much more,
Anne: probably in my early to mid 20s
Leyna: Actually that's early really well. I mean if you think about it, most women have sex for a long time without really enjoying it. Think of all the fake orgasms, if we could just bottle fake orgasms and power my house.
Anne: I was sexually active fairly young, and so that may be a part of it I don't know I had more practice, but I mean I remember I was probably 15. When a boy taught me about clitoral orgasm I'd already been having sex for about a year, but he taught me about clitoral orgasm and I was like, this shit is the bomb. Can I do this all the time.
Leyna: You're actually very fortunate because there are a lot of women who don't even orgasm until they're in their 20s, and then it's every once in a while.
Anne: I'm multi-orgasmic So, if I'm, oh, that's maybe why I enjoy like longer sex sessions because it's bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, as far as orgasms go,
Leyna: oh, wait a second. Okay, so tell me about this, it's not. I'm not sure that is it really just one after the other, and, and how many and how does that feel?
Anne: amazing. but because you know it's overwhelming. I mean, when I'm done if I've had a whole bunch of orgasms I'm gonna lay there like a limp fish for a while, right
Leyna: and someone needs to go make you a sandwich right.
Anne: No, but bring me some water. Well, but it's there's a call, there's some rapid fire stuff there's there's long ones, and there may be a little bit of a gap and then they start again that kind of stuff.
Leyna: It's difficult when I'm having a conversation with a man about an orgasm because we orgasm so differently right
Anne: so differently, and then and women have clitoral orgasms and they have internal Juice Bar orgasms, and I've actually been known to come, like with somebody playing with my nipples or my feet,
Leyna: oh one of those. I had a friend and I swear to God I thought she was just BSing me, she said she had an orgasm from her lover, massaging her ankles.
Anne: Oh, well there's pressure points on your ankles that corresponds to the genitalia. So, that makes total sense to me
Leyna: but are they real orgasms and how do you feel that
Anne: let's talk about nipples because it's the most common non vaginal sort of female orgasm. There is, and it'll switch sides but there is a line from my nipple down to my vagina. Where specifically my clit really, where if someone is stimulating me in a particular way and that also varies a little bit. I will orgasm and it's it's a shutter it's a it's the clenching.
Leyna: So you still feel it down there. Oh yeah, wow, okay. JENNIFER I take all those things back I said about you I guess it's true. You're welcome Jennifer this multi being multi orgasmic. Is it something you learned, is it something that you can help yourself with or is it something that just happened one day?
Anne: I definitely don't think I was necessarily multi-orgasmic When I was young, but again, lots of hang ups so who knows, although when the guy showed me the clitoral orgasm thing that there were there were several
Leyna: that was cool.
Anne: Yeah, no, that was awesome. I think it's gotten stronger over time, there were a number of years in my marriage where sex was awesome but it wasn't having an affair happening very often just because of our schedules and being tired and, you know, in the last year, as I've gotten more active again, it's been I think stronger than it used to be, or more than it used to be
Leyna: but you're talking in the last year from like 49-50 that you're more multi-orgasmic?
Anne: Absolutely. I didn't think that's something that I had to teach without it but I mean I think we have to teach our bodies to orgasm anyway. At least that's been my experience, not a lot of people spontaneously orgasm without like some focus or some figuring it out, At least not women, I don't know, maybe
Leyna: it's probably the act of letting go.
Anne: Sure, absolutely.
Leyna: Allowing yourself to feel it,
Anne: like, the more muscle tone you have like, do your cables ladies seriously the more muscle tone you have, the more likely you are to them right now, more likely you are to be multi-orgasmic, because it's a muscle spasm.
Leyna: What kind of advice would you give to women who are married 40s 50s Feeling a little restless in their marriage, probably have had thoughts that they didn't act upon. How do you approach the husband about hey let's, let's sign a few hall passes or start to look at other alternatives here.
Anne: Well, having the conversation when both people are in a good place emotionally certainly helps.
Leyna: So, not, not while fighting.
Anne: Not after our session while you're fighting bad conversation while you're fucked up. But hopefully you have good open, honest communication with your spouse to begin with, because if you don't have that the conversation is not going to go very well. In my experience,
Leyna: nor the lifestyle after that. Sure.
Anne: Communication is paramount in just a one on one relationship and once you start adding people, even more so, there's likely to be a conversation of hey wouldn't it be cool if like wouldn't it be cool if we tried this or hey we haven't tried that yet or what do you think of this, and that then allows you to expand the boundaries further,
Leyna: have you given thought to what happens if you fall in love with this boyfriend?
Anne: So here's, here's my take on love, this might help. So pretend that love is a candle flame, and I have a candle and it's lit and I have all my love, I light your candle, and then you have all my love and I have all my love. And I like a third person's candle and they have all my love the second person has all my love and I have all my love. Love is not finite
Leyna: aren't there levels of love.
Anne: Sure, so one person more than loving another person. Yeah sure there's there's people who I would, who are on my kidney list, you know, and then there are people who I might help move, and then there's people who I will invite to social gatherings yeah I mean there's always sort of a gradient of how much do you care about people,
Leyna: oh yeah but I'm not talking about people in your kidney lism I'm talking more about like people on your, like, your penis list. So there's no fear in your head that you may love your boyfriend more than you love your husband,
Anne: more is a weird term to me differently. Sure, maybe, I mean in my perfect world I would have like a household molecule, but you know, Polycule is like a molecule but it's people, but like you know, a co household kind of thing I think would be amazing. I don't think it's possible with a boyfriend and that's fine you know but that's kind of like you know I also want to live on Maui in a giant house
Leyna: so I'm not sure it's possible with the, with the husband.
Anne: I wouldn't want to include him sexually that's actually already come up, he asked. So your husband wanted to be included with you and that was a possibility it could be a threesome, so he's okay with that. He just doesn't want to be discluded
Leyna: but you don't want that.
Anne: Not at this time, they have such different styles such different energies that it would be a little dissonant for me because with the boyfriend I tend to drop into subspace I tend to what
Leyna: what does that mean a subspace?
Anne: to me is an almost meditative yet sexual states and with the husband, it's, it's different. Yeah, I mean we have all kinds of fun sex we, you know, we do some kinks and stuff like that but it's just it's a very different energies. I have been in threesome situations where I was very much invested in one of the parties, and I would feel the need, especially because I know that this is new for him and Mike might be uncomfortable I would feel the need to check in on him way too much and I wouldn't be letting go.
Leyna: any last thoughts on aging and sex, love?
Anne: Getting old is not like the the end of things, and anyone who thinks it is has bought into, you know, mass media, or advertising and really, stop, stop caring about what other people think, don't keep up with the Joneses, do what you enjoy, and yes there are ways that you can help support yourself as you get older in terms of like biology and stuff like that. So find out those things do some research, do some reading talk to women who are a little bit further down on the path than you are, and enjoy yourself, you know, it was interesting, I was, gosh, I was probably like 10 or something like that my mother was older, and I was talking to a friend of mines mom, and she's like Oh, does your mom have a boyfriend cuz my parents split up, and I was like no, she says they know she's been through menopause, she doesn't need that anymore and my friend's mom's eyes got huge and she goes, Oh no, no, that's when it gets more fun.
Leyna: So she's saying there might be something to look forward to, and thanks for being on the show, and good luck with the ongoing negotiations with the husband. Okay, next time on consenting adults. They call themselves the casual Swingers, but boy do they know how to have fun
Guest: and the ladies, put them in their panties, but they don't know who's controlling. And the guys can all control the Bluetooth Panni vibes from surreptitiously from their pockets.
Leyna: That's next time, on Consenting Adults.
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