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A twice-divorced single man comes to terms with his bisexuality but it was a long road. From his first experiences at bath houses to full-on gay orgies, Tom talks about how his female partners reacted to his sexuality, and how he learned to accept it. He has experienced a lot as a young, good-looking bi-male. Tom is a senior tech executive from Northern California. He's single and looking.
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EP 82 Single Male Swinger's Bathhouse Adventures
Take the towel, take your condoms and your lube and then you just wander the halls. Remember the thought going through my mind is like wow, now you're a real cocksucker now you're an actual cocksucker
Been calling you that for years and now you really are
Are you attracted to men in a romantic fashion? Or is it just sexual?
Guest 0:26 I think most men love dick. Most men love their own dick
And after when I would come home with a date for on a date with a man she would just be repulsed just like just don't touch me… The guy I’m next to while I’m peeing starts going down on me
After you are done.
No while I'm peeing. What when I stopped peeing. He stopped blowing me. It's like the only reason was blowing me
More water. Please. Waiter more water.
So let's get to it.
The conversations you were about to hear are intended for mature audiences. Listener discretion is advised. So dirty, talk so sex talk. Yeah, it started off as dirty talk. I was actually like, very excited to see my partner with somebody else. She looked at me and said, so you want to have sex with other people? That's what you’re saying. And you find it a turn on to hear about what he did. Yeah. And then it's like, I want to come home and get it the way she got it. Does he know you have a boyfriend this is consenting adults with Leyna Nguyen.
(End Podcast Show Open)
My guest today is a 50 year old single male who is a senior executive for a publicly traded tech company out here in California. He you know, grew up white male, upper middle class in Texas, dated women.
He fantasized about men throughout puberty until his early 20s When he finally did something about it. Tom, welcome to the show. What did you do?
Well, thanks for having me on. I really like the podcast, and I'm happy to be a guest. So what did I do? I went and visited bath houses just kind of sat in the parking lot. And I was nervous about going in and and I would just I wouldn't get up the nerve and I would just I would just leave.
Wait, hold on a second. Was this in Texas? Yeah. Do they still have bath houses?
I’m sure they do. Yeah, I don't know what it's like.
With with everything. Yeah, but up until the pandemic, absolutely.
Okay. So, you know, I always surprised myself at how much I don't know, how do you find them? I didn't even know it was a thing.
Well, you know, you're a straight woman, so I'm not expecting you to, surprised if you did.
So bathhouses or like for gay activity, gay or bi or queer or whatever? Yes. You were very nervous about going and so you just kind of hung out in the parking lot.
Well, look, I didn't like loiter in the parking lot. You know, I sat in my car with a lot of nervous energy. And one time I went and I stood in line to get to get in and just like I lost my nerve then, and then just and I got out, except for this one time, after a wedding, a friend's wedding where we were all over served and we were downtown not too far. And I was like tonight's the night. Definitely going to have to make this happened. And so I went in, I stood in line, they gave me my locker key, a tiny little towel. A couple of condoms. A little bit of lube.
So oh, that's a thing. Oh, it's so it's really a thing. So it's not for taking baths Leyna is
I’m sure that there are showers.
Okay, you already knew this right? How did you know this?
How did I know?
At the bath house is where you go for a little action?
Well, you know, bath houses and adult bookstores and all these sorts of creepy crawly places where
it’s like, like general knowledge that I didn't know
It’s basically general knowledge that you may not have known.
All right, so then tell me about this first, this first time you're in there.
I went into the locker room and followed the people that were in front of me and just sort of did what they did. And you get naked, you take your towel and take your condoms and your lube and then you just wander the halls. Just wander the halls, some folks rent rooms, some folks just hang out in the orgy room. Some folks hang out in the sauna or the showers, but mostly it's people walking through the halls looking in the little rooms that you can rent. Yeah, it's not glamorous.
So you go in there, and can you just kind of describe the clientele?
It absolutely varies. I mean, I feel like there were every, almost every demographic represented, you know, we're bears and cubs and otters and leather guys and muscle boys and twinks. And, you know, suburban dads on the download.
Okay, so bears and cubs. You got to go through and actually tell me, oh, geez, so you are called because you were young. Right?
I was like super fit. So wouldn't really count as a cub. I was just a trick those the ego is just like a really hot young guy. What so what's a cub? A cub is a younger, sort of not yet morbidly obese bear.
So but so that was you? I know, you're fitter than a cub. Yeah. I mean, describe what a bear is.
A big heavy. Hairy, cushy, cuddly dude.
Oh, okay. So really doesn't have anything to do with age. No, well, a little. But bear's are normally older because it takes them that time to get fat. It's yeah, it takes a little bit of work.
All right. So it's just laying for different types of people in these places.
Yeah. You know, the human mind categorizes I see certain body types and behaviors that you get to fall into.
Alright, okay. Well, unfortunately, our listeners cannot see you. You're a very good looking handsome, man. I bet you were popular in there
Okay. Did you do anything that day?
I did. I did, wandered around, touched a couple of guys. And then you found this older Jeez, he must have been 30. So to me, he was older, right? Big eye roll.
Went in and took my tiny little towel off. And he touched me and he started blowing me. And I was like, Well, it's time to return the favor. And remember that thought going through my mind is like, wow, now you're a real cocksucker. Now you're an actual cocksucker.
Been calling you that for years. And now you really are.
Exactly. Now the term actually fit in I gave him I'm sure. It was probably terrible, terrible head.
Was that your first time or No?
First time? Yeah. Yeah, first time.
I mean, it was the first time anyone doing that to you?
First time a man doing that to me? Yeah.
Oh. So like, how was it?
You know what, I was so drunk, that I bear. I remember it happening. But I can't tell you. I couldn't tell you how it felt. But here's what I can say when I tried to. You know, I put a condom on and when I tried to ride him when he was fucking me, first time doing that. Absolutely unprepared, hurt like hell and stopped. And, you know, he eventually got off. And it took me forever to get off because there were so much alcohol in my system. So I probably had sex with. I don't know 30, 40, 50 Guys, not that night. Oh, maybe 40 or 50. Guys before I was actually like, oh, okay, this is what all this feels like. Sure.
Yeah. Well, hey, welcome to the world of women. Some women have sex for decades, before they actually figure it out and start enjoying it. Yeah. Okay, you realize then, okay, this is for you. But you also like women. So you're clearly bisexual and you accepted it?
No, I felt terrible about it. But absolutely terrible about it. And I didn't really want to identify or get that close or and comfortable with the term bisexual. I was just like, No, I'm just a straight guy that likes having sex with men. And I think that there are a lot of people, a lot of men that identify that. identify with that. And, you know, it took me maybe 25 years to get comfortable and really accept this part of my sexuality.
But how much of that is because of how the rest of the public looks at it? A lot of it. Right. Right. So it's because of the stigma. Yeah. Which, as you probably know, still exists even within the lifestyle.
Yeah, yeah. Well, it's, you know, female bisexuality and there are all sorts of toxic aspects of the male gays and how that's viewed and are women that are being bi are they bi are they doing it for attention for the men you know, in the lifestyle that it's prevalent for men male bisexuality in the lifestyle or outside of the lifestyle, it's wildly not accepted. It's viewed as a malignancy in some cases where male bisexuals in general view, and I'm sure listeners can relate, are gay men who are transitioning, or gay men who haven't come out or gay men are enjoying straight privilege.
Let me ask you this, because I've always been very interested in you know, and then the more I talk to people, I know that people kind of define things their own way. Are you attracted to men in a romantic fashion? Or is it just sexual?
You ask such good questions? Thank you. Yeah, for the first 40 something years of my life, it was just sexual. And I didn't even have to be attracted to the man physically, to have sex with them. It was, it was the act, it was the, in early days, it was the taboo part of it as, as I sort of grew into it, it was just like, this feels good, but it was all highly transactional. And it wasn't until the last five or so years where I actually started dating men, and having boyfriends and in being comfortable in romantic relationships with men.
Do you think that there is a section in the bisexual community? Where if some men never move on to the romantic stuff, that there are men who just enjoy the act? Like for instance, I've always thought that bisexuality was more of a, an identity. It goes beyond just the act. And I know that there are people who say, Well, if you're having sex with the same gender, you're bisexual, right? Or, or gay or whatever. Like, do you even care to make it make sense? Or do are you at the point now where it's yeah, don't you feel good doing?
For me, you're exactly right and excited. It just feels good with whomever I'm with. And the gender of the person has something to do with the relationship and the attraction, but a lot less than it used to, but it took 20 plus years to get here. And I feel like that was I don't want to say it was wasted time. It was time invested. But it was also a lot of me accepting a part about myself that's rejected by most of society. I'm out to many of my friends. And even the ones that are in the lifestyle, and they're still not sure how to react when I bring a girlfriend around or a boyfriend around. There are always a lot of questions like who are you dating now? And what's the gender and it's just it's very interesting to in the in the takeaway is like, I think most men love dick. Most men love their own dick.
That's true. If I had one I'd been busy all day,
Trust me never leave the house. And I think you know what platforms like this are where there's an opportunity to make this actual sexuality more mainstream and understood and accepted. And I think more men would come out of that closet. I get straight, allegedly straight married guys hitting me up all the time telling me about their fantasies and how they wish they could do it and if only their wife would understand.
Listen, your wife probably understanding from my experience, she's either going to be totally into it, or absolutely repulsed by the hypocrisy of that is not lost on me because she's sleeping with women. Right? You know, lots of double standards. Lots of double standards. Yeah.
Have you been married? Twice? Oh, yep. And did the first wife know you were bisexual?
Well, we got into the lifestyle together. And I knew I was bisexual before I married her. Well, I knew I was sleeping with men before I married. She know when you married her? No. Did it eventually come out. It eventually came out and eventually came out after our first lifestyle party where we went to an after party. And we were were playing with another man. And we both started blowing him. And that was the first time she had seen me with a man. And that started a series of conversations
Was she turned on by it or no.
A lot of this is in the moment. And in the moment, people are very open to a lot of things that they wouldn't be, you know, planning ahead or afterwards. And in the moment, she was just there with it. Afterwards, the more I started to openly engage with with other men and she with other women, we both had an opportunity to explore sexualities together. And after I would come home with a date for on a date with a man, she would just be repulsed. Like just don't touch me. Men don't date other men. It's like, you know that that never felt good. So.
Okay. And then second wife. She knew she knew. Yeah, yeah. Was she into it?
In the moment, she was into it. We were in the moment. And then afterwards, how did you feel about it? There is always some guilt and you know, buyer's remorse. So right, right. Yeah.
Okay, so now you're single again, single again? Are you enjoying it?
Different parts of than I am. And what I'm enjoying most about it is the freedom I'm allowing myself to date and be with whomever I want, for whatever reason I want without the judgment and the expectation and worrying too much about what my friends are what people on the street or whomever is, is gonna say there certainly is some of it. I mean, I'm not gonna say I'm completely carefree, or or not impacted by the opinions of others, but it's taken a long time to get here. And I'm and I'm really having a great time dating, you know, men and women and whoever they want. Yeah, and I'm most keen on that. And to be completely honest, you know, dating men. There's a lot of messing around with men, there's a lot of hooking up with men, you know, because I can have three guys come over before pizzas delivered. But if I want to date a woman or sleep with a woman, I have to slay a dragon.
And that better be some good pizza, honey. It's amazing pizza.
Okay, you know, people hear about the lifestyle and they really think oh my gosh, it's just one big party. Everyone's just sleeping with everyone else. Like, why haven't you been able to find a partner? Whether it be a wife or whoever female in the lifestyle? Because I hear so many women are really into it? That's a great question. And you don't know.
Do you know anyone?
I may have said, No. I'm telling you, I need to have a consenting adults party because I really do talk to the coolest people. Yeah. And I think it would be just an amazing party. So I'm going to work on that. Alright, so as much fun as you're having now. Do you still have any fantasies you haven't been able to fulfill? Oh, geez, hold on before you answer that. Yeah. What kind of stuff have you done?
Probably, that's the more that's the more entertaining answer.
So you've done a lot. I've done like any fantasy that I thought I could have had. I've had the opportunity to live them out. Like what? Clearly threesome That's Tuesday night. Yeah, threesome, and I have to tell you, you know groups sex in odd numbers with bisexual or queer or whatever is a people is the, probably the this the best, right? Because that way, no one's really sitting out. Everybody can be engaged. There's the odd numbers make the most sense. 3,5,7,9 past nine, it's a bit of a shit show, right?
Yeah. Okay. So group sex is also a thing that you do and have done done, what would be the like, wildest thing you've done.
I met a guy on a hookup app, and he invited me to just a little orgy and the orgy turned out to be nine guys. And it was my first gay orgy. It was nine guys. Everybody was, you know, just gorgeous. And I'm in I think, everything that happened there probably counts as the wildest thing I've ever done. Maybe the newest and more nuanced thing that that I've ever done, because, you know, I've never been in a place you know, aside from a bath house or whatever, where it was okay to absolutely whore it out. Absolutely whore it out. That was a lot of fun.
Is there a difference between an orgy and a gangbang? Do bisexual or gay men participate in? What would be called a gangbang?
Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Well, I my understanding of the difference and I'm sure someone else might have a different read on it. But a gangbang is you know, one person's the center of attention. Whereas an orgy everybody's the center their center of attention.
Oh, okay. Yeah. And, and you've been in a gangbang?
No, I've never been in a gangbang.
Oh, okay. Would you like to?
I’m asking. Would you beat that with that? Like, does that sound interesting?
Yeah. Yeah. Fuck, yeah. Yeah.
And would you be would you be the bangee?
Bangee? Yeah, yeah, I'm, you know, I'm versatile. I lean towards bottom. You know, there's been a couple of nights where there's been a, you know, a few guys. So I don't think it really counts as a gangbang, though, but a gangbang Almost sounds exhausting.
You told me that you did something else. And I read it. I'm like, What the heck is that? Like something about a panty? A bi panty party?
That’s right. On a date? Oh, my God. Yeah, I went, I met. I met a woman. We went on a date. And we ended up just going to a gay bar. We met on one of these sort of queer dating sites, or dating apps. But we met at a gay bar. It was in my neighborhood. There was a couple there. The hetero couple. And they were there with their gay friend and they were in town for some work thing. And he was showing them around and going oh, wow, look, a bar, I'm gonna really try to blow your mind. And I'll never live in Kansas City or something. I don't know. It look at me being judgey over the flyover states. And in we chatted with them and they were fine. Oh, my God, they were so just fresh off the farm. And in we left my date, and I left and we you know, we went to go get a drink somewhere else. And we ended up buying a thing a lube, and a giant butt plug. Because she wanted a bigger butt plug, which is in you know, not your typical first date, we end up going back to the weekend, going back to the bar, where we we ran into them not to run into them, but it's just a good bar. They had good music, and they were still there. And they said, Hey, we're going to go to an underwear party up the street. Do you want to go? It's like, never been to an underwear party. I'm definitely not dressed for it. And we walked into this place is a bar I walked by 1000s of times never been it no reason.
The Underwear party was at a bar at a bar?
Yeah. Is that a bar and walked in with my date, these two just lovely humans, and they're over the top friend who wants to show them and over the top time, and he succeeded. So we walk into the bar. In the front is the bar area in the back is another bar area that just as a little bit more open and no tables or anything. Well, I went into the restroom. And I don't you know, I don't mean how much time you spend in men's rooms. But in some of them, they're like, troughs, they're just you know, old baseball stadiums or whatever have these things or troughs. So I'm in there and I'm paying and there's a line of guys, the guy I'm next to while I'm peeing starts going down on me after you're done. No while I'm peeing. What Yeah, while I'm peeing. He's going down on me. And he's loving it and when I stopped peeing, he stopped blowing me it's like the only reason was blowing me
More water. Please waiter for more water. Exactly right. I know.
Okay, so you know so hydrate before you go out. And I look over my shoulders no door on the bathroom and my dates watching this whole thing. Oh, it totally into it because that's sort of the constant construct. We met. And at this point, I'm now just totally turned on. Walk into the underwear party part of the bar and there's I don't know maybe 60,70 men in various states of undress some guys in actual underwear some guys in pants some guys and jockstraps but mostly shirt cock. Mostly shirt cock. And on the way to order a drink. There's this guy's absolute Adonis sitting on the edge of one of these booths and there's, the guys are blowing each other as a couple guys fucking. There's all sorts of tomfoolery going on, walked by this guy. I put my hand on his thigh, I start to jerk him off a little bit. I started to blow him. My dates. They're just drinking and having a great time watching. Pull out the lube, lube him up, turn around, take my pants off. Sit on his cock. My date is now jerking me off and making out with me. While this guy is absolutely railing me in front of our two brand new friends in a bar. Kansas in a bar full, in a bar full at a bar full of guys. They're also doing it and this is not a big deal is just happening. So I think that was probably my craziest first date.
Wow. That was a panty party.
And that was a that was an underwear party.
Oh, an underwear party. Right. Have you been to others? Is it a thing?
It’s a thing. Yeah, thing. It's a thing. That was the only one that's the only one I went to.
For a moment. Let's think that COVID is gone. vanished forever. What's the one thing you want to get? You can't wait to do like what would you do?
God I would absolutely go back to one of the just a giant sex bi queer sex party. I really miss the freedom and the it's a ton of fun with the one fantasy that I haven't Yeah, well laid out. And that would be a healthy, supportive, somewhat monogamous relationship with with a partner. Ah, all of the sex and all the fun and all the playing around. It's great fun, you know, but it's not terribly sustainable. And wouldn't it be great to find that one partner who accepted all of those different parts of you where you had you know, guest guest star guest stars in the bedroom? From time to time. That's that's the real fantasy.
You see how that works. Vanilla people have fantasies and it's all you know, and then you freaky people your fantasies or want to find a good person will settle down. What a hug. Oh, sweet.
Yeah, grass is always greener.
Leyna: Thanks Tom for sharing your story. If you’re enjoying this content please support us by going to buymeacoffee.com/leynanguyen again that’s buymeacoffee.com/leynanguyen. And be sure to checkout my YouTube channel for the video version of these episodes. It’s YouTube.com/leynanguyentv.
Alright, next time on Consenting Adults, want to be better in bed?
Guest: The average male who doesn’t suffer from PE lasts 5 minutes and 42 seconds, this is from a clinical trial. This is during intercourse, during penetration and thrusting. The average female takes 18 to 20 minutes to climax vaginally. There’s a term for it. Urologists and therapists are very familiar with it, it’s called the arousal gap.
Leyna: And with the arousal gap comes an orgasm gap. And we’re gonna close it. That’s next time, on Consenting Adults.
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