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A divorcee finds her voice in sexual exploration but finds it difficult to find the right man for a cuckold relationship. But while she hasn't found "Mr. Right," she's having a lot of fun with Mr. Right Nows. Xena explains the difference between a male-led and female-centric cuckold dynamic. Is the right guy out there? She's on Twitter @LL_Xena
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There are good men out there that they may not be right for a relationship, but they're great to have an intimate sexual relationship with you play safely and respectfully and you can have a blast.
So let's get to it.
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The conversations you're about to hear are intended for mature audiences. If adult themes are offensive to you, you may want to use that safe word
So dirty talk? So sex talk. Yeah, it started off as dirty talk. I was actually like very excited to see my partner with somebody else. She looked at me and said, so you want to have sex with other people.
And you find it a turn on to hear about what he did. Yeah. And then it's like, I want to come home and get it the way she got it. Does he know you have a boyfriend? Yes. This is Consenting Adults with Leyna Nguyen
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My guest today is a 57 year old single woman who's a management consultant and life coach, who after 24 years of marriage, had to start dating again. This was nine years ago and she found out that yeah, things were a little different. Right? Xena Welcome to the show. Everyone I talked to their stories are different. And I'm always interested in knowing not only how you got here, but kind of like where you fall. I mean, everyone is on the spectrum at some point and it seems no one's in the same spot. You said it was different. What do you mean?
Oh, thanks for having me. First of all, Leyna and I appreciate your mission to educate people on sex positive world. It was different. I mean, I met my ex husband when I was 18. I had had a few sort of fun boyfriends before that, but it was my first serious relationship. We married it 23 And we're married for almost 24 years. So the world was a very different place. By the time I started dating again, and I was a very different person,
Right, which is actually probably more important, right? Because we can deal with the other stuff. Like you know, let's say your meeting online more, or the way in which you're meeting people may have changed the way people present themselves may have changed but the fact that you're now a different person, I mean, what do you mean other than, you know, from 18 to however old you were at that point, we all mature, right?
Yes. I was much different in that I was much more established as Xena as myself, and I was well entrenched in my career. My children were at the stage of leaving home, I had a much clearer vision of what I wanted from myself, my career, my social life and my sex life. I decided not
Hold on! Let’s talk about that sex life.
So in my marriage, I actually had what I would call a pretty satisfying sexually and that was not the reason for a breakup. As I became more sound in solid in my foundation, I decided that I needed to take some time to explore what I wanted, and I wasn't necessarily ready to jump into a long term relationship right away. So I did want to date and it found me in a different place. Men were older, there was a lot more transactional relationships available. And once I got through my head that you know what, you can be called a slut in your late 40s. And if you are it's not a terrible thing. So I started to date and get to know guys and then you know, sleep with them and decide that's not for me, but we can remain friends with benefits or I'd move on to somebody else and and started to explore this world that was very different than my monogamous long term relationship.
You’re describing that transactional sex. So I've heard that described and like just hearing you talk about it. I can see now that that term in itself is actually very, it's very neutral, and it's the way you see it. Some people describe that as you know, it was too transactional sex as if it was a bad thing. And then hearing you talk and describe your change, it's like, well, it doesn't have to be bad. Like, you can want that to not want the relationship that goes with it. You can, you know, want to have fun and not be committed to someone and just that person right?
I can be and maybe it's not for everybody, but I decided I haven't found the next right guy and I found lots of nice guys lots of great guys. I just didn't want to be in a relationship with them. And when we explored sexually It was fun. It was fabulous. It was hot. I thought well, why not enjoy the ride, so to speak, and, you know, there's something about women and safety and so you always had to be kind of aware of what you were getting yourself into and kind of create enough barriers to hopefully protect yourself from dangerous situations. I have not found myself in any but I know many women in the lifestyle that are single have I don't think men appreciate when they you know, say Oh, I'm going to pick you up in my car and we'll meet here and I'm like, I'm not going to parking lots. I'm not sitting in your car we'll meet we'll have drinks, we'll have adult conversation and if like you will get together again. So it enabled me to call the shots the way I wanted. And I really enjoyed that time of exploring and meeting different people and just having fun.
Yeah, let's get back to this. calling the shots, okay. Because I think most women should be able to call the shots, right? We should be able to say yes or no and do it without feeling pressure or anything. But there's also the kind of calling the shots that I think maybe you might be interested in. It's really taking like a leadership role in your sexuality, right? Are you into that femme DOM stuff?
I wouldn't call it femme DOM. I am by nature. And I always have been in my work life and my personal life. I tend to take control of situations whether they need it or not. I will jump in and get things sorted out. You know, when it came to my sex life, I thought, Well, I'm not settling for somebody that doesn't know what I want. I'm going to ask for it. I'm going to set expectations and in some cases, you know as I got into the kinkier side of the world, I realized I could have exactly what I want. And by my stature, I'm a very tall woman, athletic and it drew a certain kind of man. And so when someone asked if they could serve me and submit to me, I said, I'm not really sure what you're talking about, but we discussed what that might look like. So I was game. I love that idea of having someone do exactly what I want, how I want when I want it as many times as I wanted, and they got pleasure from it too nice.
So many questions. So many questions. Hold on. So I'm going to go back you said that being you know, a tall woman, you said you attracted a certain type of man describe that type?
Well, I would say that, you know, I started sort of my broader sexual adventures when I got onto FetLife. And so in describing myself, I didn't use the word dominant initially, and I got flooded by submissive requests. So I kind of very buried the lead and spoke more about my preferences, but it did attract a certain kind of guy and I put my height and my sort of personality in there. And so I
How tall are you?
I'm 511. So in heels, I'm quite, I have quite a presence. Yeah, I do tend to get a lot of men that are submissive that want me to take control. And so I'm starting to see what I like and what I don't like and the fem DOM thing is not really my forte. I like to be in control. I like what I like. And I have been exploring the cuckolding relationship as a preference for me. I am ultimately looking for a long term relationship, but I want something that's deeply connected, deeply intimate, highly sexual, but also compatible in other areas of my life.
So you are looking for that committed relationship, but you also want to have sex with other people.
I have a voracious appetite. And so especially as men get older, I think it becomes quite clear, it's hard for them to keep up and so why shouldn't I get what I want if they're getting what they need,
Right? Have you been able to find the right cuck? Like I imagine that not all cucks are that I know that not all cucks are the same? No, right?
No, they're not someone that I met online, been a cuck prior, and kind of introduced me to the concept, the terms. Of course I'm a I'm a researcher. I'm a learner. And so I did my investigative work and started to explore that and had a lot of fantasy talk with this with this gentleman, and we played quite a bit and then we had a cuckolding experience. He submitted to me. We found a bull we connected we talked quite a bit and then we invited the bull over to play and it blew the doors off what I thought was hot sexual experience. It was the most intense, intimate and arousing experience I've ever had.
Okay, you gotta tell me what happened now.
Well, I talked a lot with this cuck about his limits and boundaries and what he wanted out of the experience. And I’d done some exploring so I knew what I was okay with. So we all got together for dinner and agreed that we would proceed. So I will say the research that I had done was primarily online. Of course, it's hard to find other resources and it was very male focused, the male fantasy focus, which my cuck was in that in that space. The bull however was quite experienced and his focus was and he was quite clear to the cuck this is all about our your queen and we are going to make her happy. And so they did. I enjoyed that bull many times in many different ways. And my cuck at the time supported him by following his gentle but direct instructions on what he needed to do to keep me happy and to keep him happy. It was wild. It was
That doesn't fly that doesn't fly on the show that doesn't fly on the show Xena You know, you got to tell me what happened.
So was this been at your place?
Like did you have these men come over
At my cucks place? A slow start and uh
You and your cuck at this point were already in a relationship?
Yeah. And it wasn't. We weren't fully dating but we had been seeing each other for about like six weeks and we had had sexual we had a lot of sexual encounters and talked a lot about fantasy and knowing that his preference for cuckolding we were leaning that way as I learned more about it.
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So you've already had had sex with your cuck
No. I because he was submissive and because of his size. It was something that we had. I shouldn't say no, we had tried but it really didn't work out well. So I had made him being submissive. I had made him use toys and devices to satisfy me. Okay, and so that's how he knew what to do and how to please me, but it was clear that his size wasn't adequate and so small penis humiliation was also a thing for him that I learned what is quite fun and powerful.
Oh, okay. A lot of women who first get into this find that humiliation thing difficult, right because you're kind of taught not to humiliate people. But then when you find out it's something that turns them on did come naturally for you?
It did it did you know I played a lot of sports. I have brothers, that teasing and humiliation it wasn't that hard to get to once I knew the things that were okay and inbounds and and you could see his reaction almost immediately.
Oh no okay so give me an example.
Well, we'd be talking and I would send him a picture of someone that I found and I said, you know how's this for a bull and I said do you think you could get your mouth around that? Or I would say you know I'll definitely have to get a comparison picture with you and him but we probably won't see you under his shadow. You know, his response would be like, you know the emoji with the hearts and the eyes and like him crazy. Crank it up. It's not a must have for me. I think there's enough subtlety in a dynamic. Even without that direct humiliation. There's enough angst that's created that I don't necessarily need that. But if it's something that
It’s for the cuck, right?
Absolutely. Right. Okay. It's for the cuck.
Of course it inflates the power.
Yeah, you have to enjoy it too. Yeah, right. Okay. So let's get back to this experience. So your your your with your cuck, you've got this bull coming over. This is your first cuck experience with the bull right? Start slow like what's actually happening like is your cuck just sit in the corner watching or what?
No, you know, started slow. We were sitting on the couch and we were all having drinks you know, just kissing and getting to know the bull and you know, as he's getting hard, I'm telling my cuck what I'm experiencing and then we moved to the bedroom and the bull took over from then. I had given him control of the scene and I'd given him the boundaries and I said you know, these are the things that are in and these are the things that are out. I literally at first laid back like a queen he was enjoying himself with me but my cuck was also tending to me, you know, he was using his mouth all over me and we switched positions and he would keep his mouth on me and if he was not doing something the bull would kind of snap his fingers and say, you know your queen needs something. Get busy. Oh, and so with his mouth or hands or whatever it was that I needed.
So the cuck was assisting?
He was and it ran the gamut from kissing me to clean up to fluffing it ran the gamut in that first experience and it was fabulous. The bull really made the difference in that experience. He was intelligent, respectful, very highly sexual, and a lot of fun. I'm sweating now.
Just talking about it. We'll get to you're all just flustered. And so you knew this was the way you want it to go.
I was blown away. And again, we were fairly new in our relationship. But you know, when people say the eye contact and knowing that somebody is willing to do this, I know they're getting pleasure out of it out of the angst out of the excitement but that it's towards my pleasure, that that compersion, that excitement for me. Really, I find very connecting and very heartfelt and highly sexually charged the scene. So that was my only real experience with a bull but I realized at that point that this this kind of relationship was for me a cuck ended up pursuing a different relationship and has, you know, we're still friends, we still talk he still wants that relationship. I think he's kind of sorry that he took a different path, but I am still pursuing but it is hard to find a cuck that is emotionally capable of managing those very complex situations and dynamics that is masculine enough in the regular vanilla world to meet my needs for a masculine energy in as part of my life. But that also is willing to accept non monogamy for me.
How long ago was this first experience?
It was in 2019
And you've been looking ever since?
And you still haven't found anyone?
Well, I found several potential cucks. One in particular that ticks off a lot of the boxes, but has a family demands that doesn't allow him to be fully engaged in a relationship. So I have continued to look but that's the closest I've come
Wow. Yeah. So but I mean, what are you been doing for sex? Wow, like have you been having sex?
I’ve had no shortage of sex.
Okay, but just not with bulls.
I have. In fact my strategy was to continue to find play partners particularly bulls because I keep hearing for women in the lifestyle, how hard it is to find good, reliable, trustworthy bulls. So I have been since then working to build up a roster, if you will of trusted play partners. Some of them are bulls and so I've met some really fabulous fabulous men that are into the lifestyle would fill the role as a as a bull. have experience in it would fill that role but are happy to play one on one for now, as well as other play partners that fit my other needs. Like I have a play partner that's a submissive and I have another one that just explores with the and some that I just kind of date like a boyfriend.
Oh, you're just having all kinds of fun Xena,
I’m having a fabulous time. I really am wonderful. It is wonderful. And you know, I really encourage women that have the freedom to explore to do so in a safe manner. Take your time, but there are good men out there that they may not be right for a relationship, but they're great to have an intimate sexual relationship with it meets their needs that meets your needs. You play safely and respectfully and you can have a blast. It's unfortunate that society isn't quite caught up to being that open, especially around women are being sexually empowered.
This is so interesting to me because I get a lot of messages from men who are cucks looking for women who would be into it. And then here I've got a woman who for years has been trying to find the right cuck.
I talked to lots of guys that want to be cucks or submissives. My big challenge is that they can't get off their frigging focus of their fantasy, all the things that they want for themselves and how I will serve you and I will, you know, dress, you know, feminized, I'll wear panties and I'm like that's not what I want. But it's their push their agenda. What is really a turn off for me is the male driven cuckolding fantasy that doesn't really allow for the other parts of the relationship that are the deeply connected intimate intellectual, curious side of things. And then there's holding cuck shame that then once you start to talk about it and say, well, let's meet for coffee, then all of a sudden, all bets are off and they run back to their cave and I don't know jerk off behind the computer screen but it's like, let's man up if you really are interested in this I'm happy to discuss but it's not the only topic in a relationship. So let's give it proportional amount of airtime when we meet but there's a lot more to it. And that's the part that I find most men can't get to.
Oh, it just it makes a lot of sense to me because I hear stuff from a lot of people people complaining that you know, they can't find a woman who's into it. Now women who can't find men who are into it, but because there's that spectrum, where there are women who kind of do it because that's what their their cuck husband or cuck boyfriend is into. And then there are women like you who this is something that you want. So you're kind of you're trying to find a cuck who will be focused on you and your pleasure and not use you for their cuck kink correct. If I asked you like what is your ideal mate? How would you describe that person?
I would describe that person as someone who is intelligent has a great sense of humor can handle difficult, complex emotional situations. So they have to have strong communication skills and be prepared to have a relationship where we put each other's needs first, cuckolding may seem like the woman gets all of the benefits. That's not the case. You know, the cuck has needs to and we just figure out how to meet them in a different way than P.I.V. sex. And that's the one thing I've learned is it's not just your dick that gets pleasure. There's other parts of you that get sexual pleasure and we're going to find those it's just not going to be with with your with your dick. It will be highly sexual, they have to be monogamous and they're willing to submit to me and perhaps my bull
You can find Xena on Twitter, she's at LL_Xena, that's XENA.
Next time on consenting adults a couple shares how they deal with jealousy and other uncomfortable situations during play sessions. So during that moment, we were with this dude like she was kind of like in, I called it she was “dickmatized“ at this point. I was kind of like, tapping her ankle, like, Okay, it's time to go in there and let him go. You know, that was one of the things that I had to kind of get over. That's coming up on consenting adults.
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